Heldback's blackbox

[heldback]

So a recent science article on line stated that a addict of sexual behavior would have the chemical dependency of sexual activity within their actual physical brain for up to sixty days.

This is day three of my sixty day battle with my own mind.

If I mess up I will record the details in here so others can see where I went wrong. Much like a black box in a crashed airplane.

I'll update everything as I go. Good bad or null. Here I go,

[heldback]

Day Four,

Still doing ok, no MB.
NO P or MB

I sometimes picture my addiction like a personified living person. He is a total prick. He's all comfortable in a bath robe sitting in a recliner chair. He reads with one of those old monocles over one eye and wears a fez. Probably smokes a pipe too.

He's all comfortable because I'm the only one who has to worry, has to struggle. He has time on his side and drooping levels of Serotonin and dopamine.

probably says s**t like "good day O'le boy! ready for another go round?"

Man I just want to punch him in his smug pudgy face!

[heldback]

AHHH crap five days in and I feel like gnawing my arm off.
Only fifty-five more to go before the actual chemical reactions in my brain stop screaming at me.

Woke up at 2:00 AM with urges that didn't quite to five.
We'll at least I'm not a smoker.

[Mefree]

Hey again HB.

Honestly, five days is great! You're showing some true resolve. I am impressed with your early progress.
And I know what you mean about those urges. Eventually they won't be so strong as to wake you up every night, but in case you're wondering when they'll lighten up, I wish I could say. It seems to differ from addict to addict. Whatever plans you have for combatting urges, keep them up. And what ever you do, don't rationalize a relapse! I'm not saying you will, but I am asking you to watch out for yourself. It's a mind battle as much, if not more so, than a chemical battle.

60 days would be great, but it's a lifelong addiction!

Just remember your fight yields unimaginable rewards! Keep going, man!

[heldback]

Day 6

One tenth of the way through the sixty day run.

Don't worry I don't plan on rationalizing a relapse :)

I've been all the way up to day twelve without any anxiety medication to aid my efforts.

Think I'll be able to go past that this time as I already struggled with much stronger urges then usual (to MB) and got past them. If I get a job soon I plan on getting back on Paxil-CR to help.

If not I'll keep going like this.

[tru2myself]

Hold on there man!!! I'm on my third day and I can't honestly say with conviction that this attempt at permanent sobriety will be "the one". However, with a new implied tactic, I think I've greatly increased the odds of success (more on this later in the reply). One of the many reasons why I relapse is because of my constant trying and failing. Each time I make an honest effort to stop and fail to do so, I'm cheapening my integrity regarding this whole struggle. It's like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Eventually I wont believe myself when I claim that I'll stop for good. My advice for you is to try your best to beat this thing in your first few attempts or face a fading sense of integrity.

One major tool that has helped me in my three days off of porn (I'm aware that this is petty compared to the achieved sober days of many other forum members) is to setup a porn filter and throw away the key. Literally get rid of the access key needed to make changes. I installed K9 web filter software on my computer three days ago, configured the program so that it'll stop any attempts to view sexually explicit contant, and destroyed the insanely hard to remember administration password. As of this very minute, the only way I can get to porn online is to reinstall Windows. I have countless files to back up and stuff so a reinstall would be painful. Plus, I reinstall takes about a half hour so I would have time to think myself out of a relapse. This has been an excellent safety net for me so far.

Good luck in your struggle and remember that life is so much better on the other end. It's just that you and I may not be able to see it yet while dealing with the war waging in our heads.

[heldback]

Thanks Tru2myself! Dont worry I've tried and failed before. It made me stop trying when I was younger but now I think if I were to fail I would start over as many times as needed without really loosing my hope.

If I fail I'll put it here. Start over at day one. And keep going.

Keep me in your prayers anyone who prays . For someone reason around day's seven through ten on my previous attempts I suddenly start feeling kinda of "down" or sad alot.

Don't think it will be enough to send me packing back to day one but noone likes being down for a couple of days in a row ya know.

[heldback]

Day seven... still going.

*** near Disaster last night. I was going though the topics at a site I like " **removed**" and one of them for some reason was just a group of photos of naked young women.

Thankfully it takes more then just a nude female to ignite my problem but it could have started me off on self destruct had it not been for a upcoming WoW raid.

Got to be careful. I'll be more and more vulnerable as the cravings grow stronger and stronger for the next thirty-something days.

[heldback]

Day 8 Still going.


another near miss. I'm at my weakest when I am tired, physically or emotionally.

After a long day I collapsed and lay on my bed when suddenly my brain started doing the normal parade a inappropriate thoughts.

I would have been doomed if it wasn't for one of my friends suddenly calling me and arranging a A 3d I-max Avatar meeting.

Off to the movies! Tonight I'll take two sleeping pills to help me between the gap of being tired and being asleep so I don't have a lot of time for my brain to ambush me.

[heldback]

Day Nine--all quite on the western front

OK LETS PLAY FOOTBALL!

Figure your days free of MB into a football game!

As I said before it takes 60 days to break the actual chemical addiction to MB so to make it a game

First of Figure your quarter based on what day your on in your sobriety efforts.

to get quarters
Quarter = 60/4

first day 1-15
second 16-30
third 31-45
fourth 46-60


Now figure what yard line your on. Where
yards = (100/60)*X

with X being how many days you've gone sober.


if your going without MB Your driving
If you get a setback, the other team has the ball and are driving.

I'm still in the first quarter and at the 15 yard line now and Driving.