RC85 Recovery Journal (roachcoach85)

[Daniel]

When I took a good look at the whole situation and thought about it I truly hated to admit it but she was right. Our child was just following the example of their parent. ... I truly hate to admit this but what they did was exactly what I had been doing with the P and the rest of the secret immoral life I was leading.

RC,

Let this be yet another motivation for you.

It's a very tough but very necessary lesson... and it nicely segways into a positive-from-a-negative situation: due to your honesty, it drives honesty into other areas of the family.

One step at a time,

Daniel

[roachcoach85]

As I post this note today I must admit that gaining control of this addiction is full time work. But, it is work worth doing and the payment in the end is oh so rich.

My wife and I are working on getting a house. When she ask me my price range last night I said in this area we can get a pretty decent house for about 89K to 92K so I am thinking up to the 140K or a little bit higher is good. She mentioned right after that that we need to be sure to get a house that fits all the stuff that we have and what about the 160K range or so. I said that I was not opposed and that I believe that we could afford more. I noticed after that she got rather cold toward me and it continued into the day. I am not to sure what I did or said wrong but I am not trying to be cheap, I know we can afford a bigger house and in our current house we are very comfortable and it is only about 1600 to 1690 sq ft. and it holds all our things comfortably. I do not want to start guessing at what I did, but I am sure that I upset her in some way without intending too. I am thinking that she read into what I was saying and has now made up her mind that I am only willing to do so much to get this house. I know this is just another bump in the road in my recovery but I got to admit I am confused and I do not want to ask her what's wrong because all she is going to do is snap at me and that is only going to hinder our communication. I don't know how to handle this except to pray so that is what I am going to do. I do know and understand this, anything worth having is worth fighting for.

[roachcoach85]

It has been few days since my last post, it has been tough but the Lord is gracious and has truly blessed me. Yes things are tough between my wife and I but I truly believe things are improving. I am getting ready for church right now and have to go but I just wanted to post and say that I do understand that things are tough they should be. I am just hoping to stay in this battle until the end to reap the rewards...

[roachcoach85]

It's been a couple of days since my last entry but the time has been productive and I have learned so much. My wife and I had a talk Sunday night that was eye opening and very revealing. She also had me to read portions of her diary so I could see what her life has been like for the last several years dealing with me and my secret addiction. Yes, I felt guilty for everything that I have done and the pain I have caused. But, my wife did say that she can see and tell that I have changed and she seems to see that the effort I am making is an honest effort. I am not going to say that I have been perfect this last month or so but I have been a lot better and recovery this time has been a lot different from the other times I have tried. I can honestly tell that I was not being honest with myself then and even now I admit that there are times where I question myself now. Either way my recovery is going well and I am able now to say that I should have done this so many years ago. If I had I really would be a better man. But, there is no negative in me saying that this time. I can honestly say that I would I have been the better man if I would have let go and let God...

[Daniel]

Stretch for what is ahead, try to leave what is behind...

"The Time is Now!"

And it sounds like you are living up to that call RC.

Go Big,

Daniel

[dave42]

Hey RoachCoach: I just read your journal for the first time. Congratulations on your progress. I liked this: "I can honestly say that I would I have been the better man if I would have let go and let God..." I agree! I'm still trying to figure out what this means. There seems to be a huge emphasis on surrender to God or a higher power in the 12 step tradition and a lot of people, like you, mention it. I'm sincerely trying to figure out what that means, and it really helps to read your thoughts, so thanks! I understand that it means something like "I can't do this on my own" and yet I know it is more profound than that. Thanks.

[roachcoach85]

Hello friends,

I apologize for not keeping up with my journal but right now I have a lot of irons in the fire. I am taking classes in hopes I can finish my bachelor's degree by the spring 2011, I am preparing for retirement from my current job, and I am working on opening up my own business. All these things have worked together to keep me busy but I must admit that I truly have struggled and did have a relapse. I felt incredibly gulity at the time but I used that guilt to put other things in place to help me control this addiction. I currently use the Safe Eyes program on my computer and for anyone using this i recommend activating and using the "can't disable function." My accountability partner didn't change the password after I down loaded the program on my new computer when I discovered it I went to a site looked at a couple of pages. Upon realizing what I was doing I found the disable function but not before my wife saw the site on my computer. Currently I am sleeping in my garage and I am so mad at myself that I can't see stratight. But, the good thing that came out of it is that there is no way to disable to program on my computer now and now I only use my computer for school and a few games every not a then. I also learned that late night is one of my triggers so now I am going to bed at an earlier time and really enjoying some great rest. I also limit myself to how much time I spend on the computer which is why I have to end this early because 10PM is the time I have chosen and the rest is great. I still solicit and crave anyone's advise on other things that I can to help me with this addiction. Thanks for all that each of do and for always being here.

[dave42]

so wise to go to bed early. I wonder if there is a single person reading this who is NOT more vulnerable at night. Just go to bed, people! so easy to write, but so hard to do. Am proud of you for going to bed early, and, as you point out, you get more rest, so it's win win! or is that snore snore?

[Daniel]

RC,

A quick observation: you made several changes in response to your recent slip -that is great.

It's when we are unwilling to make any changes in our routines/environments... How can we expect to get different results if we "always do what we've always done"?

Getting rid of Encumbrances!

Daniel

(PS: I hope you also soon get to change your sleeping arrangements)