RC85 Recovery Journal (roachcoach85)

[roachcoach85]

Today a lot of work was done but the tension between my wife and I is still strong. I know what I did was wrong and I know that all of us must suffer the consequences for our decisions good or bad. I also know that my wife wants me to feel and know the pain/agony that I have caused her. But, what she doesn't know if that I will always feel the pain/agony that I have caused her. Even when I am smiling and laughing I know the pain I caused and to be honest I do not want anyone to feel this pain. About a week or so ago I wrote a letter to the Dr Phil show asking him to share my story so no other men or women every cause the pain that I have caused. In that letter I admitted to everything that I had done and I am hoping that he does read it on the air one so no one ever makes the mistakes that I have made. I really want my relationship with my wife to get pass this moment but I do understand that in order for use to get pasted this that we must first suffer the pain that comes along with it. I so wish that my wife knew and really understood that things that I am doing to try to make this work. But, as of now she does not even know that I am a member of this support group. Maybe one day soon Lord willing but until then I will sit and wait patiently for the Lord to continue working on her heart until that time comes.

[roachcoach85]

Currently I am keeping 2 journals, one on this site and one on another. I do this because sometimes I forget to post everything that is important in my drive to conquer my PA. Between both journals I do believe I am putting everything down on paper and able to make a good analysis of my addiction, causes, and what I need to do to control this addiction. However I must admit that I could use some advise. Lately one of the things I have taken on doing is just buying my wife little things such as body wash and things to help her like baking utensils, washing dishes, etc. etc. I am wondering is time and patience the only thing I have to use through this? I love her but I don't want to hurt her like this ever again, part of me believes that I should let her go if that will make her happy but I love her more than my own life. If my death would give her another 50 years on this earth I would ask the Lord to take my life now so she could have those years. I want us to get pass this, but right now no matter what I do or say she turns it around and questions my sincerity. I know it will take time I guess what I am saying is that I hope you folks don't mind praying for me that I don't lose faith and that I do become what the Lord wants me to be...(am I a little confused today, but now that I have written it down I feel oh so much better and stronger)

[roachcoach85]

My thoughts we very scattered today. I watched a sermon on TV this morning, the preacher at church today did a great job this morning and evening, and to top it all off each lesson had a direct relation on what I am struggling with at this time. My wife seem to be really thinking about the lessons and treated me much differently today in comparison to the last couple of weeks. One thing I didn't mention earlier is that even though we plan on getting a house this year according to her whether or not she stays is a different story. I am sure she wants me to know that she is tough and strong, which I do know. I love my wife dearly but the one thing she does is she feels she has to speak her mind on everything regardless if she hurts your feelings or not. But, in her defense I know she does not intend to hurt anyone's feelings. I just think that she believes that what she has to say is so important that it must be put out there. But, that is not always true with everything. Sometimes, it is best for you to learn to bite your tongue until you get a better understanding or sometimes realize that your solution is not always the right solution. I realize that some of this could just be me and my own hang ups and insecurities, but I am learning a lot of things all over again and to be honest I am learning them better. I can honestly say that one thing this situation is teaching me is that there is something to learn from everything, everyone, and everywhere. Just pray that I learn these lessons well never to go back to P to handle my stresses.

[Crisodian]

I just think that she believes that what she has to say is so important that it must be put out there. But, that is not always true with everything. Sometimes, it is best for you to learn to bite your tongue until you get a better understanding or sometimes realize that your solution is not always the right solution.

RC,
Something for you to think on.... As an SO, I bottled up a lot for many years while my H was in the throws of his addiction. Didn't say what was really on my mind nor voice my opinion, because he was so cold and distant, and most times it would start a fight. Then I tended to explode from keeping all of it bottled up over time. Maybe your wife is one who can't keep the emotions or comments bottled as she fears that explosion if she does? I'm not saying it is always right for us to voice our opinions or make comments on a situation without complete understanding, but sometimes it is the only way we can prevent ourselves from hurting.

Just my thoughts :)

I hope you both find a way forward together.
Peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

I love my wife dearly but the one thing she does is she feels she has to speak her mind on everything regardless if she hurts your feelings or not. But, in her defense I know she does not intend to hurt anyone's feelings. I just think that she believes that what she has to say is so important that it must be put out there.

RC85,

I can definitely relate to the above statement as Mrs. Daniel is the same way in that regard.

Emotions on the sleeve, thoughts in the air.

One good thing about this is you probably know (at nearly all times) what she has on her mind.

This back-lash aspect you are going through with The Wife: did you recently divulge your dark secret? This is what it sounds like.

And if so, what you are going through is perfectly normal. "Normal" as in many PAs report going through the same thing and I certainly did.

As one of my favorite quotes goes: "The only way through it is through it."

Or from Winston Churchill: "If you are going through Hell, keep going!"

Take heart RoachCoach. If your wife didn't want you anymore, I think you would've already found your stuff in the front yard when you came home from work. If she didn't believe you were worth it, she'd already be history.

She didn't toss your worldy possessions, she didn't leave. Why? Because there is something between you and her that she must believe is worth saving. Thank God for that.

Her emotions and feelings will come around on their own time.

About the best thing you can do right now is pray pray pray.

The Holy Spirit will do a much better job than we can when it comes to tinkering with attitudes...

All the best to you in this difficult time,

Daniel

[artguy34]

However I must admit that I could use some advise. Lately one of the things I have taken on doing is just buying my wife little things such as body wash and things to help her like baking utensils, washing dishes, etc. etc. I am wondering is time and patience the only thing I have to use through this? I love her but I don't want to hurt her like this ever again, part of me believes that I should let her go if that will make her happy but I love her more than my own life...

...I want us to get pass this, but right now no matter what I do or say she turns it around and questions my sincerity. I know it will take time I guess what I am saying is that I hope you folks don't mind praying for me that I don't lose faith and that I do become what the Lord wants me to be

Hey RC85, I can understand the feelings you are going through right now. They are the guilt and remorse you have for what your addiction has brought upon your lives. You are willing to do anything to quickly make this issue dissapear and turn things right. However... that will never happen. There is no magic pill or magic prayer that will rectify things immediately. This will take time, patience, understanding and most of all... honesty!

I have a rule that I hold to myself... (Never give roses as a sign of an apology). Simply stated, Roses to me are something special I like to give to my wife to make her smile and think of happy things. Not to ask for forgiveness.

So with saying that... I would hold off on buying your wife items and concentrate on doing the normal, mundane things like a good honest man. Show your wife by your actions in how you handle yourself, how you treat her and how you act towards others. With your actions, you need not to buy or say things to try to prove you're committed to recovering from PA.

Good Luck my friend, the road is long, but worth traveling towards a better future!

[roachcoach85]

Well life has continued and I just finished reading the comments to my last post. I can admit that my patience is wearing thin but after reading the comments from my last post I can honestly say that yes I do understand that this will take a long time. But, some of today's events did make today a little difficult. Last night I had a talk with my oldest child about telling the truth. Basically I told her that if you are someone who is known for not telling the truth then do not expect people to believe you when you are telling the truth. If this happens just be prepared to prove to the person that you are telling the truth. Well, last night and tonight our child was caught in lie. Not only were they caught they still insisted on that they were telling the truth even though they were busted. My wife looked at me and just said "that is you." When I took a good look at the whole situation and thought about it I truly hated to admit it but she was right. Our child was just following the example of their parent. At that point I felt so bad that I couldn't even cry. I have spent last couple of nights talking to our "teenager" and I truly hate to admit this but what they did was exactly what I had been doing with the P and the rest of the secret immoral life I was leading. Our child followed my example and now I have a job to do, let our teenager know what their behavior will lead too if they do not start now to make an effort to be truthful. I used myself as an example as I spoke to them and I admit our conversation got heated, but later we did hug confirming our love for one another but the most important thing that came out of it was that I think now they at least understand a little bit and as far as I am concerned that is a great starting point.

[roachcoach85]

Thanks for the advice and the reply. I do understand what your saying and I thank you so much for your insight. I am now starting to see that what you just said is correct and it is something I should have noticed by now. I think I understand what your saying and I am willing to be patient and realize that when you hurt someone this bad that you do need to exercise patience and realize that time is not the enemy here, it is your ally.

[roachcoach85]

Well today was still filled with temptations, work, a lot of reading, and stuff like that. By some comparisons today would have rated as a bad day for some, but to me today was a great day. I realized today that I can choose what I make of each day. I face this battle with P and MB with shame and embarrassment or I can use that shame and embarrassment to fuel my fire for wanted to control this addiction. It is way past time I became the husband and family man that God wants me to be. My wife says that I have a problem with intimacy and she is correct. I have ordered a book concerning intimacy but I have not started reading it yet. But tomorrow is a new day so I think it is about time that I just do what I need to do and beat this thing....

[artguy34]

I realized today that I can choose what I make of each day. I face this battle with P and MB with shame and embarrassment or I can use that shame and embarrassment to fuel my fire for wanted to control this addiction.

Excellent! Porn has no sympathy for the addict, so it's great that we use the damaging effects it has on us as a tool to conquer it. I too have used the guilt, shame and embarrassment as part of my weapons to beat this addiction.

You seem to have a strong will! Keep it up and keep telling yourself that relapse is NOT an option... you are a better man.

...Then go out and prove it!

I find it interesting that your wife refuses to help you on your journey to heal from PA. Yet in a previous post, your wife did just that by pointing out what your teenager was doing by lying. She indirectly helped you on your journey. Maybe you should give her a kiss on the cheek (if she will let you) and tell her thank you. If she asks for what? Tell her that she did indeed help you with your recovery and that you are grateful.

Maybe these little steps, as indirectly as they may be, will open her up to being a part of your recovery? (You never know?)

Good Luck on your journey, and keep fighting the battle!