42nd day

[chewy]

Hello all, this is my first week on this website and I've been spending a lot of time reading what everyone has been saying about their struggles. This website is a big step in the right direction for me and after a lot of thought I have decided to begin writing my journal. I have never wrote in a journal before, not sure if it's because of laziness or what it is....people are always talking about writing things down and to keep an journal of my thoughts, feelings and actions. So here I am, 42 days sober and counting and starting my first journal entry.....
A quick (or not so quick) history of me. I am 30 years old and have had P in my life as far back as I can remember. (8-10yrs of age) I was first exposed to it by complete accident but once I saw it I believe I was hooked. I would go to the local bookstore and steal magazines and collect them like my baseball cards. From magazines I moved to movies once I saw my parents go into the "back room" at the video store. In my free time I would ride my bike to that video store and steal movies. Much like the magazines, I built up this collection that at times out grew me. I had friends at school who looked at it and talked about it so I'm thinking, well, I'm just a normal adolescent/teenage boy who likes naked girls. I'm not hurting anyone so who cares. Then I had my first internet experience. I first started in the chat rooms and would find girls to chat with and it would always turn to s3x. I could NEVER just chat with someone about just STUFF. As I got older I began to meet some of these women I was talking to online and during this time, my P watching was greatly increasing. I would spend hours and hours a day on the computer doing nothing but downloading and looking at P. Again, I would collect so many files and pictures I had to burn them onto cds and dvds almost constantly. I look back on it as I write this and think, I was a P pack rat or something!!
I finally met a girl and we began to date and get very serious. At this time I was still into P on a daily basis and she didn't know anything about it. We dated for 3 years and during those years I continued to look at P and chat online with other girls with the end result being me meeting up with someone from online and cheating on her. Never in a million years did I ever imagine cheating on anyone I was with, but I did. As our relationship grew she became more and more aware of my chatting and P viewing. It hurt her and she didn't like it, however I continued to do it because I STILL thought it was normal for a guy to do this. One day she "accidentally" got into my email account and found emails between me and a girl I was talking to and she confronted me with it. She was obviously pissed off to no end at me and made me call the girl in front of her and tell her we couldn't talk anymore. Within the next year, we moved and figured things could start over. I proposed to her and we were going to be married. Things were fine for awhile until I got back on the computer more often. The girl who my fiancé made me call in front of her just wouldn't leave my mind. I was missing talking to her and had to find her again. So I did and we began talking online again. My fiancé found out I was still using P and chatting and we eventually broke up.
That girl and I are now married and one would think since I got what I wanted I would have stopped what I was doing....not a chance. Only months before we were to be married I cheated on her. This issue is one of those unresolved ones in our marriage. To this day I can't answer the questions my wife has for me as to why I did it and how I felt. I don't answer these questions not because I don't want to but because I CAN'T!! There are some things I just can't explain and this is one of them. I hate that I did this to her because I love her so much and she truly is my soul mate. My wife was one of those women who was NEVER jealous and who would talk about P and even watch it with me. She was the coolest girl on earth in my eyes!!! My P viewing never slowed down after we got married and it slowly began to affect our marriage unbeknownst to me of course. One day she asked me to take an online test about SA. The first thoughts I had was "are you serious? I don't have a problem!! Addicts are weak." Up until this point I had a huge amount of pride in the fact that I had (and still haven't) ever tried any drugs
and I was a very casual drinker. I could NEVER be addicted to anything!! And if I was, I can stop. It's easy.......So I reluctantly took this test and answered it as truthfully as I could. I can still remember the second after I hit that "submit" button what I saw and how I felt. "You have taken this test and have confirmed your fears." I felt sick to my stomach. Knowing this opened my mind and my eyes to the possibility that I could have a SA, but I didn't want to believe it. My P viewing and chatting slowed down almost to a complete halt, but quickly gained strength again and took over. My wife, who to this day I believe knows me better than I know myself, always knew when I was "under the influence". She would ask me if I had been looking and I would always lie to her. She would get me backed so far into a corner with proof that eventually I would fess up only to break her heart and crush her soul. I did this to her more times than I can count and every time I swear I will stop.
The first step I took was to begin going to a Christian SA group which I started attending about a year ago. Things were going great when I was going there. At one point I hit 8 months of sobriety. This group was good for me, but I was having to pay for it and it was a pretty good distance from our home so I stopped going. 4-5 months ago we were looking for a church to attend and found one only a few miles up the road from us. We began attending and found out they had a Celebrate Recovery program there and that was the greatest feeling in the world to me. My wife and I attend the larger meeting once a week and I am now going to a separate men's step study at the church and that's where I found out about this site. So far, things are great for my sobriety, but it's a day to day struggle. As long as I keep my mind and heart on the Lord and do the things I need to do, things will only get better. My wife on the other hand needs an outlet like this. I'm so happy she has other women that are going through the same thing she is to talk to now.
I will make every effort to make a journal entry at least once a day to keep myself on the right track, but also to help with any encouragement I can supply to others. To any of you who actually made it through all of this, thank you for taking the time to read it. It means a lot to me. 42 days of a pure heart feels great, but I can only imagine what 42 weeks feels like, 42 months......42years.........

[FoolishMind]

Hi Chewy, That was a fantastic opening entry for your journal, and it must have have lifted a huge weight of your shoulders typing that out and really getting it all out in the open.

As you already acknowledge, your story is not much unlike many other PA's here, how it all starts, the collection the fascination, changing of media from magazine, to movies, to internet etc.

42 days in though, you have made a huuuuge acheivement! And I am sure you must be feeling great. I also applaude your wife for being very understanding and is clearly a tower of strength for you.

Make sure you use you knowledge you have gained from the abuse of P, and the knowledge you have gained from being P free to help others, as this is one of the biggest success factors within TTF, and Im sure you have a wealth of tips and handy hints that can help many members here.

I wish you and your wife the best, and look forward to following your journey.

Thank you very much for such a great insight.

FM

[chewy]

Thank you FM for the kind words of encouragement, they really mean a lot to me. I have learned a lot through my recovery process and am excited about sharing those things with others that continue to struggle. One of those things being my recovery group at my church which I just returned home from. Being around fellow believers and people who know exactly what I'm going through has proved to be a HUGE help in my recovery. Not only that, I have built a recovery team of men that at any time I can call and they would be there for me at the drop of a hat. Tonight we had two members reach goals that many of us only dream of, that being 7yrs and 20yrs of sobriety. I was and still am so uplifted by their testimonies and I know if they can do it I can do it....we ALL can do it!!

[chewy]

I've already failed at the one thing I wanted to commit to and that was to journal everyday on here. Yesterday was day 43 of sobriety for me and it was rather uneventful. One of my biggest triggers is boredom and yesterday did not possess any of that which is great. I did work last night though and I do have a VERY difficult time with lust while at work. I work at a place where I see a lot of different people every night and a lot of the time the women don't leave much to the imagination. In the past I thrived on my lustful thoughts. I was the king of "rubbernecking" (act of gawking at something of interest) *thank you Wikipedia* This is one thing I have greatly improved on, but still need a lot of work. There is a great song by the Christian band Casting Crowns called "Slow Fade". One of the lines in the lyrics I say to myself when I catch myself taking that second look is, "It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings". This is so true for me. Once I take that second glance I'm hooked for 3 and then 4 and so on. Once it gets that long, I would begin to fantasize and it's just a downward spiral from there. I love my job, but sometimes I feel that it is really my only BIG temptation. It's only going to get worse as the weather starts to warm up too. Every night when I go in I say a this little prayer I've developed for myself. It goes like this. "Dear Lord, help me to have a safe night and help me to keep my eyes, my heart, and my mind on You. In Jesus name, Amen". This prayer has helped me a lot and I know if I didn't make the effort to say it, things could get a lot worse.
So today is day 44 and it's been a great day for me. When to church this morning and was fed with a great message. Did lunch with the family then came home and began to do some of my workbook questions for my step study I am going to at church. We are in book two of four and this book will get pretty deep into my life and where things could have stemmed from. This is an area I struggle with. Where did this addiction come from? Why did it happen? I was never abused in any way (some would say I endured verbal abuse from my stepfather, but I always looked at it as him wanting the best for me and not to be so damn lazy all the time) I just don't know how it all started. so I'm hoping this study might help me with that. One day at a time…….

[pipster22]

Chewy, i understand how hard work really can be. you are stuck there for hours on end and it is extremley hard to keep your mind from wondering! 44 days is a huge accomplishment though, so obviously you are doing something right!

Like you said, take it day by day. i know that the 44 days may seem like 44 years... but it will eventually go faster and faster. try not to think about the future - stay concentrated on just getting through each day. i also look forward to following your recovery! keep posting! :)


Pippy

[Evidence_of_Grace]

Chewy,

Agreed on the group members' milestones! I posted my first post / mini testimonial in the Spiritual forum:

New to TtF.org - grateful believer in recovery

I hope to start up a journal and post to it semi-regularly. I wouldn't beat yourself up if you don't post daily...maybe a good goal would be to post weekly, like on Friday, as you would have more material to process. Just a thought...good to see you on Sunday!

in Christ,
M - EoD

[chewy]

Thank you for the kind words pipster. I have read some of your journal entries and have followed your struggles. This is not an easy task for any of us and it's so good to have others here for the support. I will post in my journal later tonight when I return from my step study at church. Boy has it been one hell of a day!!!!!!

[chewy]

I can't even begin to get into what all has been going on in my house the past two days. To say the least, it's been quite stressful and in the past that has been a difficult time for me. But this isn't the past anymore now is it? Today was a good day of sobriety. I've been P free now for 45 days and it feels great! I'm begining to think this extra stess might be good in the fact that I don't have a single second to even think about P or lust over anyone. Tonight was my step study at church and it went well. It's not getting any easier as we're getting into the depths of our lives to really dig deep to find reasons for our addictions. This type of thing scares me because of the things I might unearth about myself that I may have blocked out or have forgotten about. On the flip side of that, I am anxious and excited to possibly find the root of my addictions.
My wife and I are talking more about SA in general and P addiction. She asked me tonight if I felt uncomfortable talking about it so much and I told her that talking about it more actually helps me stay more accountable because it keeps it fresh in my mind all the things I've done to her in the past and don't want to repeat. I am growing more and more in love with her everyday and if I didn't have her support through this there is not a doubt in my mind I would fail miserably!! And for that, I LOVE YOU HONEY )

[Rowlf]

I can't even begin to get into what all has been going on in my house the past two days. To say the least, it's been quite stressful and in the past that has been a difficult time for me.

Hey Chewy,

Great going to be at day 45.

Quick question - do you have someone to call if the pressure gets too much? If you're part of a step study group do you have a sponsor? Figure that might be a great resource to have.

Mind you, having a partner who you can share this journey with is one MASSIVE resource, as I know :D. The level of honesty has deepened our relationship hugely and I'm sure it can (and is) doing the same for you as well.

Have great day today - one more step into your new life!

[chewy]

To answer your questions Rowlf, I do have a group of men I could call whenever I am struggling. In the past I failed to utilize them and because of that I fell. The last time I viewed P I was not in this study and the past two months I have learned a lot about my addiction. One of the first things we dealt with was the denial I was going through and to admit this problem not just to myself, but to others. I had a big problem with that in the past....admitting my P and s3x addiction to others. I believe this is why I couldn't pick up that 10,000 LB phone in the past to tell someone I needed to talk. I still had this pride I couldn't get over and just couldn't bring myself to tell someone I was so weak that I needed their help. I now know it’s not as much weakness as it is failure to call my accountability partners. Things are so much different now and I have no troubles demitting my addictions to others now and I make an effort to keep in touch with at least one of them 1-2 times a week on the phone.
As for a sponsor, I do not have one yet, but will be asking someone soon. It has been difficult for me to pick my sponsor because I need someone first and foremost I can trust and feel comfortable with. Second, this person should have similar addictions as I do and has done at least 5 of the steps. This narrows it down greatly for me and the last thing I want to do is settle on just someone because they meet that certain criteria. It takes a long time for someone to gain my trust. I trust all the men in my group greatly, however, only one of them has similar addictions to myself. I look forward to continuing this journey with my sponsor and I hope to one day be someone's sponsor.