42nd day

[Rowlf]

Hey Chewy,

Congrats on the sobriety, especially in the midst of all of your happenings.

One thing you said caught my eye:

... I’ve been a TOTAL disaster because I’m the type of person that wants things done a certain way….well things have not been going the way I want them to AT ALL!! ...

I think for me this is at the heart of my addictive behaviour. If I insist on 'being in control' I almost certainly end up acting out. I think for me 'surrendering to a higher power' is just accepting whatever comes and just keeping myself together, rather than trying to make the world / result come out my way.....

Have a great day!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Chewy,

Congrats on your sobriety. I know this makes your wife happy and you seem to realize that being faithful can make you happy. I have seen your wife cry over you and I really hope you don't give her cause to be so unhappy again.

Its eye opening when it happens to you, isn't it. When your friend lied and hurt the people who love her, who she says she loves... it hurt like hell. I am sorry she is putting her kids and you and ultimately herself through that. You guys had to make a hard choice about the kids, but you did the right thing. I grew up with addicts, and no one helped us for years. So, thank you.

Keep up the good work. I know things have been crazy at your house for a while. Let us know how it goes when things are quieter.

[chewy]

97 days of sobriety and feeling clean…..to a point. There are parts of my life that feel like I haven’t changed at all the past few months. The major part of that being my lust. The other day my wife and I had an “animated discussion” regarding the state of things. Lately I had been feeling that she was being disrespectful to me with things she had been saying and I wasn’t appreciating it at all!! I let her know this and by doing this, she let it all spill out on me. Sitting in the car listening to her tell me why she had said some of the things she did, and why she’s been acting the way she has been, wasn’t easy for me. It never is easy hearing her tell me how I’ve changed her and how I’ve made her so unhappy. In the days since that conversation I’ve taken some time to really think about the things she said to me and as usual, she’s sooo right. I’ve been P free for almost 100 days and haven’t in the smallest bit had a desire to look at it. HOWEVER, my eyes have been focused on the wrong things. She pointed out to me that she has noticed me looking at other women a lot more since I’ve been sober. At the time I couldn’t see her side at all. In fact, I have been telling myself that I haven’t been looking at women NEARLY as much as I had in the past. Well that much is true, however, I have noticed myself looking more than I should be. This is something that I need some SERIOUS help with. The first time I viewed P was roughly 20 or so years ago. I can add another 5 years to that with my lusting. So 25 of my 30 years on the Earth I’ve spent in a haze. A haze that I’m trying soo hard to clear up. Not only do I need to focus more on controlling what I’m looking at, I need to focus on healing my relationship with my wife. She is still so hurt by my actions and it really does tear me apart. I thought things would be much so better than they are because I’m not lying to her and I’m P free. But they aren’t. They aren’t because I can’t keep my eyes to myself. I need to start to realize that lusting is just as bad as the P. When that happens, we can truly move on…………..

[Life-lies-trust]

chewy,
Great job on staying P free. You need to realize that not everyone heals at the same rate. As an SO it is also deeply tied to our emotions and how we have come to think of ourselves. This is also about in our minds how our PA's act and all the lies that have occurred. We always seem to be waiting for the fall to happen. Each fall is devistating for us as we try to accept what has happened. That is why communication is so important in this process. DG had stop communicating with me in an open way this is hard to deal with and now I'm never sure if he's talking is true or just to get me to shut up (which is NOT going to happen :D). This has been a tacit of his for years. So just keep the lines of honest communication open, is it easy NOT, is it hard to hear at times, you want to crawl away and hide. This seems to be normal when communication has been broken. You might think about couples counseling if it would help.

Keep up the work on yourself and the communication.

[chewy]

Thank you for your response life. I am making an effort to keep the communication with my wife very open and I do tell her when I'm struggling with wanting to look at P. The thing is, I haven't had a serious desire to look at it in a very long time and because of that, I haven't gone to her with any of my "issues" and she feels that i'm not being as honest and open with her as I was in the past. I'm now realizing that I need to go to her not just for my desire to look at P, but also when I'm struggling with my lust. I hate the amount of lust I have in me and I really feel like I"m getting better controling it. I also know i'm now where close to where I want to be when I look at a beautiful woman. We have talked about couples counseling before and are in the process of getting in touch with one. Thank you again :)

[Newlifeman]

Chewy,

How are you doing these days? I am doing well here at my new location, picked up a new job and have been settling in around the house again as well. Good job on the sobriety! Now you will have to examine other areas as well! I have a few in my journal, eating habits, my evening laziness or desire to watch TV when nothing good is on, my ability to bark at my family or some really minor things rather than explain why I am annoyed or want something done differently. Stay steady and keep evaluating. Take care and stay in touch!

NLM