42nd day

[chewy]

Wow, has it only been 4 days since I last posted? It truly seems like an eternity since I've posted here. Last night I had a dream that carried over into the beginning of my day (which RARELY happens). I dreamed I was looking at P on the computer and when I woke up I could still remember exactly the images I saw in my dream. It was wayy too real for me and it kind of worried me. Lately, I've been feeling some anxiety and I don't know where it could be coming from. My wife told me about an article that is on here regarding anxiety and not looking at P. I haven't read it yet, but will when I finish posting here. I have never felt anxiety before when I have been sober so I don't know why I would be feeling any now. Who knows.....
Well, my wife and I got away from the craziness in our home Friday night. It was really nice being with her and ONLY her for once. Doesn't happen much with 6 kids in the house. (We have my wife's best friend's 3 kids for who knows how long as she's in drug rehab). I needed this time away from everything more than she could ever imagine. It has been very hard for both of us, but things are getting better. I am still sober and staying strong. I feel great and have not had any real desires to view P or chat online. I have no clue what day I am on, but I do know that Feb. 11th is my two months and I'm very excited about that. I have seen many "two months" come and go only to screw up again. I am trying my hardest not to get too confident in anything and keeping my mind on the idea of a complete lifestyle change rather than a day to day change.

[Evidence_of_Grace]

...keeping my mind on the idea of a complete lifestyle change rather than a day to day change.

Thanks Chewy, that perspective helps!

[chewy]

The past couple of days have been fine. Things are going fairly smoothly with the extra baby bodies in my house. Again, I sort of feel the added stress has helped in a way because I don't have a whole lot of time for my mind to wander. Things are continuing to improve with my wife and I as we grow closer together. Well, I work tonight, and as I've said before, I LOVE my job, however, my eyes tend to make their way onto things that they shouldn't. I've gotten a lot better with this, but at times it is so hard for me not to go along with my co workers as they talk about someone they saw. In the past, I had NO problem going on and on with my co workers about someone we had seen. Sigh!!!!! The good news is that I'm still sober and going strong. My mind has been clear and my mind and heart has been FAIRLY clear lol. Day by day..........

[chewy]

Things are going great with my sobriety. I feel like a totally different person these past two months. It’s hard to explain, but not having anything to hide or lies to cover up is like having a ton of bricks off of my back!! It’s still hard for me because I know I am getting the help that I need through my two groups I’m attending at church and I have my accountability partners I can call when ever I feel I have an urge to slip and fall, but my wife is still kind of left alone. The two of us have talked about things a lot more recently and our communication is still great and I love that!! I just know she has sooo much stuff built up inside of her and with our added stress in the house these past few weeks it hasn’t been any easier for her. I knew this wouldn’t be easy for our household to take on three extra kids, on the flip side of that, I thought we’d have A LOT more structure built into these girls and it’s just not happening!! I have grown so close to them and have began to love them as my own, but I am unable to keep calm and my patience is running thin at times. When I was younger I always wanted to have my own batting cage in my backyard. I always felt going to the batting cage was such a stress reliever for me and boy could I go and hit some balls about now!!! I know I’m being selfish and I hate that!! I have been a selfish person a large part of my life and through my sobriety I’m working on not being so selfish anymore. Being an only child I really didn’t have anyone else to think about other than myself. I knew the things that I needed to do in order for ME to be rewarded from my parents. One would think being involved in sports my entire life I would understand what it takes to be a TEAM player. As I write this I’m thinking, wait, I do know how to be a team player, but my problem is taking those strategies and putting them to work in the real world. Putting them to work in my marriage, with my kids, with my friends!!! I know I have soo far to go in my walk and nothing will change over night. With that being said, I feel I am taking the proper steps in recovery and the proper steps in repairing my marriage. I have this site to thank for being an outlet not just for me, but for my wife.

[chewy]

As I write this journal entry I have so many things running through my head. The amount of stress in my house just seems to be growing and I don't know what to do!! I spent all day Saturday and half of Sunday in the hospital because of a MASSIVE kidney stone that has decided to make his presence known. I had an emergency surgery on Saturday and will need another one next Monday to blast it out of me. So, on Monday, I can cross that off my ever growing list of things to worry about. I worked last night and as usual I had my struggles. My eyes still tend to wander where they shouldn’t and I’m STILL working on not taking that second look. I’m nowhere near perfect in that department, but have come leaps and bounds with it.
The past week or so I have felt…..well I have not been myself to say the least. I have been quiet and not engaging too much in conversations with anyone for that matter. I found myself not in the best of moods while at work last night either, but I was also in some pain and my mind was on that rather than the big smiles and laughter that tends to come out of me. I can’t explain what’s going on with me. My wife is naturally worried about me and I keep trying to let her know what’s going on in the best way I can. I know she gets frustrated when I can’t give her answers to the questions she has, but I wish she could understand that as frustrated as she gets, I’m feeling that frustration times 1,000 inside!! I get upset at myself when I can’t give her the answers she wants...or any answer for that matter. How can I NOT know how I’m feeling? How can I NOT know why I’m feeling the way that I am!! I DON’T KNOW!!!! Sigh………….I feel like I have barely seen my wife. Which is weird because we see each other everyday…...What I think it is, and I just realized this as I’m typing, is that all of this stress we’re BOTH going through has created this fog, for lack of a better term, that is making it hard for me to see reality. Reality being my day to day activities and MY FAMILY…...I have felt so discomunicated from my family that at times, I don’t even realize what’s going on. Wow did I go off on some crazy stuff there or what? I apologize if I am not making any sense at all so I will now move on…
61 days of sobriety as of today and I’m not feeling so excited as I did the last time I saw that number. I can trace that lack of enthusiasm to several things, one being, I’ve been here before... and have relapsed before. But I don’t think that’s really the major reason for the way that I feel today. The major reason is that I can remember the last time I was at this point in sobriety and more importantly, I can remember how my wife was. A lot of things are stirring up as I’m typing this as to the way I’ve been feeling. My wife is an amazing woman who has stood by me through all of this b.s. I have hurt this woman in more ways than I will ever know. I have broken her in more ways than I will ever know. I have torn her into more pieces than I will ever know…..with that being said, the last time I was at 60 days she was so proud of me. I can remember her face, her smile…..she was genuinely happy for me. It wasn’t a month later before I destroyed her again. This has been fresh in my memory since day one of this go around of sobriety. Will she ever fully trust me again? Will she ever stop worrying about me again? Will she be able to live a normal life and go out with friends without having to worry ALL NIGHT LONG about what I’m doing?!?!? I want to think all of these things will happen again. I just can’t get passed all the hurt I’ve done to her. This is a woman who was NEVER jealous when we first met. This is a woman who, even though she had self esteem problems, she NEVER thought about me leaving her or cheating on her. That was a woman I have destroyed and in the process, I have created a completely different person. A person who worries constantly about where I am, who I’m with, and what I’m doing. I know she doesn’t like the person she’s become. My ex fiancé acted the same way and it bugged the crap out of me. Looking back on everything, I created that personality in her also. All this time I put blame on her for her actions and the things she did and the whole time it was me and the things I did to her that made her that way. Every time my wife begins to get to those points, (regaining trust for example) I relapse. I have spent some time trying to figure out patterns in my behaviors and I have found that every time I get “comfortable”, meaning, when I feel that my wife as began to regain trust in me, those are my weakest times. Those are the times when I have felt I can get away with things and I would start to push my limits. Currently I am going through the 4th step in my recovery which is taking my personal and spiritual inventory and sharing it with someone. This is a very scary process for me to go through. I don’t know what kinds of things I will find under my rocks, things I have stuffed so deep in my brain I had forgotten about them. The one thing I am excited about is taking my inventory and going through it to find any patterns in my past regarding my addiction. This is very important to me because I think if I can identify these patterns in my life, it would help prevent me from repeating them again in the future.
I started this journal 42 days into my walk. In the 19 days since, I have learned so much about my addiction through this website and through my groups. There is no doubt that the Lord lead my wife and I here to meet all of you who support us, give us words of encouragement, and allow us to give our words of help. I apologize for a lot of the random thoughts and rants that have gone into this entry. For any of you that have made it this far, THANK YOU for taking the time, it means so much to me. I know I have a lot of things to work out with my feelings as of late. I just want things to be the way they were before…...and I’m not sure they ever will be. The one thing I am sure of is that MY actions are the ones that will determine the future of my marriage. I have developed a very strong support and accountability team through my church and I am no longer scared to pick up the phone to call any one of them if I need to. I thank God everyday for getting me this far. Thank you honey for the continued love and support you have and continue to give me on a daily basis. May this be the LAST 61st day I ever see in sobriety!!

[chewy]

Feels good to be back on here responding to posts and seeing how everyone is doing in their recovery. Some journals continue to bring tears to my eyes while others bring the biggest of smiles to my face. As for me, things are still as stressful as ever, but the important thing is that I'm 74 days sober. We should only have these kids for another week or two at the most.....we'll see though. Sigh, I HATE feeling so selfish about this whole situation, but it's really REALLY wearing on my wife and I. We're just so burned out on everything and can't wait for things to return to normal again. My mind has been in so many places the during my sobriety, but one place it hasn't been is on P. I have had absolutely ZERO desire to look at it and to be honest, I'm sooooo pleasantly surprised. Even during my longest stretch of being sober (6 months) I still had the desire to view P. One of my groups had to be cut out of my schedule due to childcare issues AGAIN and all I can say is that really pisses me off!!!! I need my groups. Good thing is that I still have my step study which was last night. I can't believe I haven't posted on here for 2 weeks though......not sure why.

[artguy34]

Hey Chewy,

Its good to hear you're still on the road of sobriety. Yea, stress is a mother f*****, but isn't life like that? Always one thing or another. At least being clean and sober, we can deal with life's B.S. with a clear mind and not resort to past habits.

Continue the good work and things will get better my friend. It seems like this time around there is no turning back! Good for you!

I look forward to reading more good updates from you!

[mike]

I think what FM said about not counting forward is spot on - I've felt the same 'teetering' feeling when counting day by day, and it hasn't been helpful for my recovery.

But now that you've made such progress, wow! It's not so much a 'new high score' (the way I used to see things, sadly), but a celebration of the beginning of your new life! \:D/

Thanks for your words of encouragement in my journal. We can beat this together in Christ!

[chewy]

Mike-
I can't explain to you the difference it's made to me not taking the time and making the effort to count these pesky days!!! I was driving myself CRAZY.....I feel truely blessed to have found the men and the SO's on the website. Thank you all for the support!

[chewy]

Still sober!!!!!! I really can’t believe the lack of interest I’ve had to view P. It’s been so long since I’ve watched it that I really think my brain is beginning to re-wire itself. My body and soul feel great. So many things have happened since the last time I journaled and I’ll give a super quick recap of events, with some background LOL.
My wife and I have been watching her best friend’s (who we’ll call Ally) kids while she is in drug rehab. Ally had been in rehab almost 30 days until recently she checked herself out without telling us and went on a week long binge with her boyfriend who is the worst person for her. We gave her a chance to redeem herself yet again if she did what we told her to do, go to out patient care, don’t have any contact with the boyfriend, and submit/pass random drug tests. If she did not do this, we would have no choice but to call DCFS or send the kids with their other grandmother in Oklahoma. Within a day and a half, she got caught at the boyfriend’s house and now the kids will be going with grandma.
Throughout all of this, my marriage has been a mess because of all the extra stress that has been created, I’ve been a TOTAL disaster because I’m the type of person that wants things done a certain way….well things have not been going the way I want them to AT ALL!! However, this whole ordeal has helped me in several ways. First, I have had no time at all to even think about P!! Which is great :) I think the bigger thing that I’ve learned is I now know first hand how I’ve made my wife feel when I’ve relapsed and lied to her. I know this, because Ally did it to me….to us. She relapsed and lied to us about it and I was fuming!!! The emotions I was feeling were not healthy, but after talking to my wife about it, I realized, this is how I’ve made her feel. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again!!! Now that I know this feeling, I now know I could never do that to her again.
The end is in sight. Next week, we can start over as a family and I’m so excited for it to happen. I’m excited that next week will be 90 days for me. I took some time this week to remember where I was the last time 90 days was around the corner. My heart wasn’t in a good place, my mind wasn’t in a good place, I was still acting selfish. This time around is different. My God is now the first thing I think of. My wife and my family are now much more of a priority than they were then. Things are different and I feel great about it!!