42nd day

[chewy]

Today I had my first REAL battle with my willpower. I have been home with three kids today while my wife has been out doing things. This has left me with a lot of down time on the computer and for the most part I was doing very well. I went to one of my usual websites I like to visit and was immediately hit with images and (going to try and make this as trigger-free as possible for others) other things that in the past had gotten me into trouble. Soo many thoughts went through my head in such a short time. I quickly closed out the page and diverted my thoughts to other things. In the past it was not that easy for me as I would usually end up back on that site only to "fall" and view whatever it was. I knew that if I had those urges I would have no troubles picking up the phone, but thank the Lord it came and went. Today is day 46 of my sobriety and I am not going to let P and lust run my life anymore!!

[Crisodian]

chewy -
Congrats on beating the urge and staying strong! That is no small feat, especially considering the stresses at home right now. Good for you!!

Keep moving forward and stay strong!

Peace,
~C~

[chewy]

Thank you Crisodian!! Feels great to be this far and know that I can battle this even when left alone.

[pipster22]

46 days!!! qwahoooo!!!

everytime you fall into the P state of mind and you are able to escape it, makes you sooo much stronger! more power to you! you are doing a great job. almost at the 50 day mark... a huge deal! keep going and make it through.

Pippy

[chewy]

50 days is my next goal and God willing I will hit it running!! As great as it is to be at the place where I am, (47 days P free) it is still difficult for me to fathom that I still have so much farther to go!! I'm 30 years old...I should potentially have 50 YEARS left in my life. 50 days just seems so petty in the whole scheme of things. I know I need to be happy at what I have accomplished and believe me I AM!! I just know, the toughest part of my journey is yet to come and I'm not looking foward to it.

[FoolishMind]

Chewy, Im really impressed with your progress, and more over the confidence in your posting is oozing through, and it is becoming a pleasure to see you explain how great you feel when getting through the daily tests and temptations we all experience.

One thing I wanted you to acknowledge is the counting of days. While it is of course a great measure of success, my advice would be not to set it as a forward goal. But more of a look back and see goal..like "wow, ive been P free for x days now" not..."X days is my next goal". While this is not wrong, from experience, this is not ideal. The reason is simple...

The day you joined here, you made a decision that P is not going to control your life anymore. Thats it!

If you continuously set yourself goals in growing numbers of days, this can make you wobble, as your focussing on numbers, and not actual results that you can feel or touch.

Start to look at the differences in yourself, your personal charachter, the reduction in mood swings, the improved handling of stress and anger. Acknowledge the extra time you have on your hands, acknowledge the overall improved relationship with your wife...the list is endless.

Please dont take this as a critisism, as this is purely my subjective opinon, but I back it from personal experience and observations of many members here.

I wish you nothing but continuing success, and I have absolutley no doubt that I will be reading a post of yours entitled 500 DAYS & A Changed man...very soon!

FM

[Rowlf]

Hey Chewy,

I'd back up what FM is saying here.

I train at aikido (which I really love) and often feel that I'm not improving or just standing still. It's then I make a special effort to go and train with the newcomers. They do some odd things, like turn their backs on me, hands all over the shop etc. I love this because it's then I realise how far I have actually come. I used to do all that for a long time, but I'm not doing it now! :D

Same with this I reckon. Take each day and live it as well as you can - stay clean. Then, if you need some extra encouragement and feedback help out the new guys! :D

You're going great - keep it up!

[chewy]

FM and Rowlf, I THOUGHT I posted a reply to this but I guess it did not post....grrrr. So I don't feel like re-writing all of it as of now, but the short of it is, I don't like counting the days and it does drive me a bit nuts. The only reason why I made a reference to the days was in response to Pipster's post. I feel great at where I am, and I thank God everyday for bringing me out of the darkness I was in before. I will NEVER forget where I was, and because of that I pray I don't go back into my SA. Thank you guys and gals for the amazing words of encouragement. They really mean so much to me :)

[chewy]

I want to begin by saying I will not be posting on the site most likely until Sunday. Wed. was my three year wedding anniversary and my wife and I will be going away for the night tomorrow for some MUCH NEEDED relaxation away from things going on here. Considering all the stress I'm feeling I have had zero desire to look at P. I am feeling so pure at heart and my wife and I are growing closer. Just tonight she asked me if I was happy and I told her that I am happy to start another year of marriage fresh...clean and pure. I know the moment I get too comfortable is the moment I could possibly relaps and I can't let myself get that way. In the past, my over confidence has gotten me in trouble and confidence is the last thing I'm feeling towards beating this thing. One day at a time......and for the first time in quite a few days, I have no clue what day of sobriety I am on...and that's a great thing!!

[FoolishMind]

That is fantastic Chewy! and you make some great points.

I have been married to my wife now 7 years, but Sadly, I have to write of 5 of them, as I was really not a husband to her then. But the last 2 years have been simply awesome. Love her to bits! Just so grateful we opened our eyes and put in the actions required before it was too late ay!

Wish you both a lovely break.

FM