Flight to the Stars/Skies - StarPuppy Journal/Diary

[StarPuppy]

Hey Ben, How were the exams? hopefully all is well
Thanks for the advice which is much needed..I don't really understand certain parts of

Hungry
Alone
Lonely
Tired


How could Hungry be a loophole for P?
Alone would be the place where the Devil wants us to watch P because nobody is around.
Lonely is where you heart seeks for love and care and thus we turn to P?
Tired..i dun really understand..perhaps a explanation can help

I agree with you buddy, its just that k9 doesn't offer genre filter and its quite complicated to design one because i like anime and games and i would as sure would love to block out those websites that may lead to Hntai

Thanks for the lookout..thanks buddy :)

[FoolishMind]

Ok SP,

Lets get to the bottom of this shall we?

So lets start at the begining...

Your First journal entry was made on 18th May 2009.

In that first post, you have typed 6 lines related to PA. This is followed by 11 lines of you referring to self esteem and confidence.

4th January 2010, you started a new journal, with the intention of a fresh start.

Lets just analyse this first post from your second journal...

Hello to everyone in TTF, its been long time( I was back now and then lurking) and i am back hoping that 2010 will be a better year for me and everyone

Hope gives motivation, but hope will not be a driving force for change. Think of hope as fuel, but you are the engine, if you dont actually turn the key and start the engine, you will go no where.

I would like to start off that I won't be doing a Recovery Journal but more of a Discussion Journal/Diary.

Why? Discussion and debate is great, but journal is about accountability it is about recording what you have done, what you are changing. Dont make things harder for yourself by reinventing the wheel, The TTF system is a support network which has been followed by a number of members and has confirmed it works the way it is, if you follow it to a 'T'

I don't want to focus my attention on how many Days I am P-Free but rather focusing my attention on improving myself. With that saying, i do not plan on relapsing but i won't take it so hard if i do.

Thats good, there is no need to focus on how many days you are P free, but it is nice to monitor your progress once in a while especially in your early days. But focussing on improving yourself is key, and this is what should be monitored and recorded in journal.

I am glad you dont plan to relapse, but by you stating you wont take it so hard, is like saying "Im dont plan to die, but I will keep running across roads with my eyes closed"

I hope that i can make my journal where people can discuss about how we tackle life problems and i believe it will make our fight against P much easier as usually a bad day= Relapsing into P

Theres that "hope" word again! A bad day = relapsing into P - You are making phrases that will begin to brainwash you. Have you noticed how many people are more depressed when the weather is raining and gloomy? It doesnt have to be that way, you need to think positively.

I would also like to thank EVERYBODY regardless they posted advice or just dropped into my previous journal to have a look. You guys are great in your own way

And so are you, but you have so much more potential if you let yourself.

Before I end up starting to sound like a exaggerated fella, Let me wrap this up for todays post.

TTF, both the forum structure itself and the members have made me feel very much at home, Although i do not know everybody and we are timezones apart, I love the warm feeling of everybody giving advice and scolding( taking a non nonsense stance at times) to each other to "get back up and stand tall". I feel that I am with a family instead of a forum.
To the Good Future Ahead, Amen :)

Remember your first post, 6 lines vs 11 lines?

This last section shows you are getting more enjoyment from interacting with others and getting nice comments and feeling nice. Which is great as TTF is a very nice place to be, and a wonderful group to be part of. That said, you need to be spending your time here to maximum effect and get the best from this site.

For example I could sit in the gym all day, and look radiant and make friends and feel great about myself, but if I dont touch a single treadmill, or shed a single bead of sweat, am I really using my time at the gym effectively?

SP - It pains me to be so harsh, but I have written many posts directly to you, to try and point you in the right direction, I have read so many posts from members telling you to try this or try that, and making very good suggestions, pointing you to good threads for help etc.

The relapse of P slope is a very very slippery one, and you will never fully get to the summit of this mountain, unless you dig deep, and be honest with yourself, one of the biggest signs of someone slipping down a slope is the, softening the blows of their relapse and it finally comes to a point where their journal is repeating itself week after week.

Its reality check time my friend. because you are making statements as mentioned in all our key posts that are stickied to newbies, for example, making exuses about your partner.

SP, you need to love yourself first, be open and truthful with yourself and acknowledge that we all have weaknesses. Once you have openly done that you can then easily address those weaknesses and begin to focus on improving yourself.

I hope this is too hard to read, and hope you dont think Im purposely having a pop at you, as I can easily turn a blind eye to you and your journal, but you deep down i know you have the heart and determination to do this, but right now, I dont think youve got your mindset in the right place, and youve confused yourself about exactly why your here.

I truly hope you can turn this around, and really begin to shape your life they you want it to be.

FM

[FoolishMind]

Just saw your response to Vorlan, and this makes the point of "excuses" very apparent.

Hey Ben, How were the exams? hopefully all is well
Thanks for the advice which is much needed..I don't really understand certain parts of

Hungry
Alone
Lonely
Tired


How could Hungry be a loophole for P?

YES IT CAN

Alone would be the place where the Devil wants us to watch P because nobody is around.
Lonely is where you heart seeks for love and care and thus we turn to P?
Tired..i dun really understand..perhaps a explanation can help

No disrespect to Vorlan, but this is not the most complex of Poetry. But let me simply this for you.

--> When SP has nothing to do, or is bored, you generally View P.
--> When SP wants "happy times with the gf" but doesnt get it, one satisfies himself with P.

I agree with you buddy, its just that k9 doesn't offer genre filter and its quite complicated to design one because i like anime and games and i would as sure would love to block out those websites that may lead to Hntai

EXCUSE!

I used to love getting a mens magazine on the genre of fitness. However, the magazine always had nudity in it aswell. I wanted to be P free, I did not want to be tempted, so I stopped buying the magazine. The End. There are other magazines, and other websites where I can keep up with fitness news etc.

Why not look back through your journal, and count how many pieces of advice you have received from many many members, and then count what you have actually used and put into practice?

FM

[Vorlan]

I'd encourage you to think hard on what FM's said SP. It's tough love but sometimes we all need that. You need to have the courage to see that some aspects of you lifestyle and some activities are dangerous and that you may have to make sacrifices towards recovery.

Recovery from PA is not just getting rid of a bad habit, it's changing your entire lifestyle.

As to your question about hunger, hunger makes you feel unfulfilled and weaker than normal so you are more likely to be susceptable to cravings such as PA. You crave food already and are therefore more likely to slip into the craving mindset

Tierdness on the other hand breaks down your resolve - it makes you less vigilant and more likely to do things without thinking. It's like how it's easier to crash a car when you are tierd. The same principle applies when on the internet, it slows your reactions, weakens your resolve and makes you more likely to slip.

I hope that helps you understand better.

Best wishes,

Ben

P.S. The exams went fine thanks, glad they are over though! :)

[Desert Ghost]

SP here is another spin on the
Hungry
Anger
Loneliness
Tired

If you are hungry you are then low on energy which brings on tiredness, which slow your reasoning abilities thus lowering your defenses against poor choices. Anger clouds your judgment thus leading to poor choices again. Loneliness leads one to allow their mind to wander thus allow their defenses to weaken and again poor choose are made. An tiredness also clouds your judgment and reasoning abilities leading to make poor chooses.#:-s

[StarPuppy]

Just wanted to post my reply to Fm yesterday but K9 shut off my net access last night

--------------------------------

Thanks FM, I really want to change but i can never take what people say "tough love"

as you all know i was a small size kid in school, not the brightest nor good looking kid, people bullied me around. I always tried to live up to people expectations so that i would be accepted.

Thus i rather have people around me telling "Good job" instead of "tsk..tsk..you failed again" and leaving dissapointed why i couldn't make people happy of what i have done. So when sometimes i am stressed, i will just think to myself "why the hell am i even avoiding P, MB helps me relive stress..why should i feel how people think"

But after MB, i would feel tired later on and the next day and i would regret being tired and falling short of my work performance, i would then attempt to start anew

But when my other half isn't intimate with me, i feel alone because i thrive on 24/7 loving mood (aka puppy love) because i want someone who love me for who i am and corrects me in a gentle way (which i am sure you all will not agree that its the best way to keep a PA out of P) instead of giving harsh remarks like everyone does and me feeling guilty for myself that i let someone down again.

As stated by my previous posts, without intimacy, i had to go and fine my own intimacy because i was so stressed by meeting my other half expectations that i rather enter my own world where i could get all the intimacy i wanted by MB to P of no expectations

Anyways, now i currently am having God as my benchmark of what a follower of God must do but i am just worried when I am back in my old emo mood, i might relapse

[StarPuppy]

Anyway guys, thanks for he support but i would like to ask if i have the urge to MB..what should i do? it usually lingers even tho i go offline

[FoolishMind]

(FM Shakes is head in disbelief)

I wish you the best of luck SP.

FM

[Alika]

I really want to change but i can never take what people say "tough love"

as you all know i was a small size kid in school, not the brightest nor good looking kid, people bullied me around. I always tried to live up to people expectations so that i would be accepted.

Thus i rather have people around me telling "Good job" instead of "tsk..tsk..you failed again" and leaving dissapointed why i couldn't make people happy of what i have done. So when sometimes i am stressed, i will just think to myself "why the hell am i even avoiding P, MB helps me relive stress..why should i feel how people think"

SP,

I actually believe that I understand what you are saying here about wanting encouragement rather than criticism. But I am getting the impression that you may forget to look at your own part of the interaction with people here. Therefore I have a few of questions for you:

Is it possible that the people who invest their time in very sincere attempts of trying to help you feel that you don't take neither them nor yourself seriously?

Could it be a possibility that by not taking it (them/yourself) seriously that people become frustrated and therefore turn to "tough love" in order to get through to you because they still are sincere in their attempts to try and help you?

Is there any way that you can turn people's approach towards you into more encouragement and less "hard love"?

The questions are meant for you only to think about, if you want to do so, not necessarily to be replied to here.

Good luck.

- Alika

[Desert Ghost]

Anyway guys, thanks for he support but i would like to ask if i have the urge to MB..what should i do? it usually lingers even tho i go offline

Find some physical activity to do away from the computer, preferably one that take you outside.
because the MB urge usually last about 30 minutes. So, if you can occupy your mind and body on some healthy activity for that long or longer you can beat the urge. An the longer you go in recovery the length of the urges diminishes.