Flight to the Stars/Skies - StarPuppy Journal/Diary

[Mefree]

SP,
You bother giving your best for yourself, not for those jack@sses. People like that don't want perfection, they just want to reprimand you because that's what they do. You try and do your best so you can respect yourself, become a better human being, and so you can look in the mirror and see someone you like. Frankly, everyone else can screw off.

[Life-lies-trust]

thanks guys but the thing is this..i mean i do my best in what i do and all i get is reprimandation. I mean why do i even bother giving my best if all i get is reprimand..just because people sees it not as perfect but its good enough for me..why can't they accept it that way

Don't let this get you down. Some people just are A$$HHS and treat others like S$$$T. I will give you the idea over time they will get theirs back at them. It may take years but the S$$$T they give out will come back to them.

Hug your self and have some chocolate.

[StarPuppy]

I had a urge this morning and tried to relapse by going to those search engines of mine..but it was blocked by k9 :)

Anyway to all..i thank all for their kind words but i am unhappy because at times i take myself so hard..at age of 21, i have a head full of white hair, my dreams seem real to me especially when i dream about some unlucky event..sometimes i wake up wondering have i gone mad? unable to separate dream from reality?

maybe i will talk more later when i get back from work..i am late now =x

[StarPuppy]

What a crappy morning at work. I got scolded by one of my superiors because i didn't consult her regarding a problem at work.. heres the story

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(names are not real)
Mdm(Madam) A was moody because her daughter did not studied for spelling and made her angry when she was sending her to school

Naturally when i consulted her regarding a problem, she was quite moody and her answer wasn't clear + shes quite nice but she has a short fuse when shes moody

So i approached Mdm J who was quite friendly and i asked her if i should send a email regarding my problem instead of a verbal conversation( as suggested by Mdm J) so as to figuratively speaking "cover my @ss"

When Mdm A overheard the convo( all of my superiors are in the same office), she was angry with me because despite telling me what to do, i asked Mdm J for advice. I kept quiet while she was scolding me on not trusting her

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I am angry because just because you have problems at home, you don't take it out on me. When i have P problems or problems at home, i keep it quiet and i don't take it out on people..oh wait..nobody in the office knows or bother to care about whats happening in my life ~X(

(Only TTF is my safe haven)

I don't feel a sense of loyalty because i am more of the boring guys(I admit i don't have a life) but i am a hard working guy

well in any case..i had it up..i am just waiting for my Army term(Oct 2010) is up and i am glad to be out of this place, I will miss the superiors and friends but as sure as hell, i don't like the politics and enviroment

[StarPuppy]

Thanks to all who are supporting my journal regardless those who just read/post or simply drop thanks

Anyway Today was good day..there was a urge and i fought it back and thanks to k9 strong filter. Its nice to see that people are admitting their problem and coming here to fight against P

nothing much to report..maybe when i have something noteworthy to post..then i will post something constructive which people can post their views in here

[StarPuppy]

Nothing much to report today but i would like to mention that i slipped[MB] (maybe it was on purpose) just to feel the effects that MB has on me..some stuff that i discovered

Had a brief, very brief i would add..brief window of "feeling high" followed by parts of brain being numb

- Tired..Very tired..was yawning on the bus till work
- Unable to focus due to lack of energy
- Tend to be forgetful

By afternoon, i was feeling back to "normal"

Yeah..i think thats all for today

[artguy34]

Nothing much to report today but i would like to mention that i slipped[MB] (maybe it was on purpose) just to feel the effects that MB has on me..some stuff that i discovered

Hey StarPuppy, I know you fought a tough battle yesterday and this week has been tough on you, but I do have to point out your phrase in bold here...

It sounds like you're negotiating or making excuses to justify MB for you. Remember its things like that, that can lead us PA's right down to P. You're smarter than that and more aware of the dangers. Don't let yourself get tricked by the wicked seduction of instant gratification.

You can do this, you can succeed! >:D<

[StarPuppy]

Its been long time and i relapsed today, i found out a new route and the made me relapsed, i got my k9 temp password and blocked the route and delted the email that came with it

I been posting questions in the general forum more..i am curious if S with SO on a constant basis can triumph over PA..i really want to know how we PA can win over it without S and MB when the urges strike =x

[FoolishMind]

SP.

If relapsing becomes constant, clearly something isnt working.

I suggest starting your plan again, from scratch and lay some solid foundations, as we all now, without good foundations, event the strongest buildings can fall with the slightest of knocks.

Best advise is start again, and properly. Best place to start is...

Getting Started Guide

FM

[Athenon]

i really want to know how we PA can win over it without S and MB when the urges strike =x

I think there is many strategies that can be adopt to do this. There is tons of information on this site and reading journals of succesfull recovery is one good source. But i'm pretty sure you know all this.

Overall I believe that in order to make the significant change of recovery you need to recover from a lot more then just PA. You need to change your thinking. Because when the urges strike all the knowledge in the world is not gonna make choices for you. It all comes down to what you really want. Do you really want to change ? Is your will to change stronger then your addiction ? Are you ready to accept that your interpretation of reality is most likely totally wrong ? I know this may sound a little abstract or new-ageish but for me recovery is all about that.

Good luck my friend :)