Try Again

[Medium]

I'm feeling quite good today. Even though I am still too scared/ weak or whatever to do the needful to discuss this with my SO, I am enjoying my time with her. I have pretty much eradicated P from my life and I don't want to go back there. I still have inappropriate thoughts. I want my thoughts to be so squeaky clean that I can broadcast them. But maybe that will come with time. It has not all been successful. I have pursued titillation in different ways and I need to keep working on this. And I know that I will fall back as soon as I become complacent. I hope my filters help me if that happens. But I also need to analyse why I fell off the rails so spectacularly after joining this site. I haven't really visited why I was away for so long not trying to stop.
I guess I must have grown tired of constantly policing my thoughts for one thing. For another I think my relationship with my SO was going through a rough patch and rather than admit this and tackle it head on P was a really easy way of fleeing from it all. Now that's not to say that I have the strength to do different now but I think I recognise a closer relationship now which I can at least hold in my mind as where I want to be.

[Medium]

Glad I'm still pursuing this. Wish I stronger and there was less s in society.

[Medium]

I have read other posts that talk about learning to accept rejection and rejection being a significant trigger. I don't really know how to come to terms with it though. I understand on a rational level that as 2 people we have different wants and needs and that these will not always meet. But still I don't know what to do with a rejection on an emotional level.

I have been able to keep my thoughts from wandering to other women and for me this is more important than keeping my mind clean of all titillating thoughts. But maybe now I have made some progress this way then it is time to step up the game again and refrain from any thoughts at all.

Frankly I am feeling a little bit disappointed today that my efforts don't seem to be making a big difference in my relationship with my wife. But I guess this just means that I should try harder. Focus on her more.

[Medium]

Oh no! Lost my carefully created post! Oh well the jist of it was
relapsed one week ago so re-starting my count from my previous post.
Thought police needs to re-double it's efforts. Too much grey in what is ok and what is not. Must focus more attention on my SO and no attention on sx. It was 2 months into my attempt this time but I'm not worried. This was a mistake and I won't make a mistake again because I have learned that objectification is one of the issues here but the other is that dwelling on sexual thoughts of any kind is not desirable. Thinking about how beautiful my wife is is good but anything more lurid than this is inappropriate and is a non broadcastable thought.

[dave42]

I love this phrase of yours: "nonbroadcastable thought." Yes, I agree totally--I used to think that it was okay to look and to have thoughts and fantasies, but it's not! Not for me, and, if I'm reading you right, not for you. I also love the way you are picking yourself up. You had a slip. Okay. No drama, just get back on the wagon and use the slip to learn about how not to slip next time.

Also: don't you hate it when you lose your post! Ha! This has happened to me many times, and your attitude is great--oh well, no problem. I think you have a great attitude! Thanks for setting us all a great example.

[Medium]

Thanks for the positive vibes dave. They were really helpful. I have not been postin on here much but have been keeping myself busy and out of harms way for the most part. I have not been viewing p or dwelling on inappropriate thoughts for extended periods of time. There are 2 things that I'm not sure on here though;
1. I have been mb but not ejaculating. I'm not sure where this sits. It is really just me touching myself. I guess thus should be cut out completely. It does not fit in with keeping things clean. Funny how I keep finding these habits. Or not so funny really. I'm just not clear enough about what is ok and what is not.
2. I did download a file yesterday that I have not opened and will not. Whilst this is a slip of sorts it was very sudden and impulsive and so I think it was a dangerous slip but not a fall.

[Medium]

I have not been here for a long time an the interim has been good and bad. I have significantly slipped once and have been guilty a looking at salacious images of women. I think the thing that has struck me most recently however has been that I have broken a habit. I know this may come close to becoming complacent. And for someone who hasn't discussed this with his SO and who has occasional inappropriate thoughts it would be very foolish to become complacent. Nevertheless on the occasions that I have slipped there has been no desire to return. They feel more like hiccups of a dying habit. Looking back at my daily habit I notices that when I looked at images every night I really had no choice about my behaviour. I felt that I was choosing to pursue images. But really there was no question of choice in the matter. I now really do have a choic of what to do each evening. It isn't prescribed for me. This is great!

I know I could fall again but the longer I live without falling the less scarey that becomes. It was the same with cigarettes. The risk of returning was scarey to me at first but isn't now.

I think keeping myself busy has been key in all this and then remaining aware that leering and pursuing titilation are bad things. Before I would not allow myself to dwell on how inappropriate those behaviours were.

Good luck to all. Hope you and I have a clean day today.