jrock123 journal day 0-5

[Daniel]

jrock,

I'm sorry to hear of these low feelings and the tough circumstances you find yourself in. That's a very hard thing, no two-ways about it.

I agree with DW. The "reason" you want to act out with skating/MB is it makes you feel good. You get a rush, even if a small one. Even if tinged or soaked with guilt. With the rush comes the good feeling and **importantly**, the break from the current emotional load of the day.

The downside, as DW pointed out, is worse not better than the situation you are currently in.

THAT is the huge lie: it will make you feel better, just do it.

The truth is: it will make you feel better for a moment or two but then you will feel 1. even lower than you did before, 2. you will be irritable, 3. you may be anti-social, 4. you may want to act out again and cause a relapse cycle, 4. the guilt will get worse, 5. the feelings of depression will increase, etc., etc.

Meanwhile, none of the original problems go away. And you (me, us) were absent while we went off for a fix thus the problems not only remain but indeed may be worse than before...

This is not theory for me, as you can probably tell jrock. Skating or trying to find some other outlet just doesn't work!

Hang in there my friend. The only way through it is through it.

Daniel

[little_wife]

jrock, I don't have any wisdom to share with you, but I did want to tell you that I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. I've watched your journal and seen how much you've grown. I'd really hate to see you fall. I'm gonna wish for you a bit of sunshine to brighten the rest of your day.
Hugs!
little_wife

[dave42]

We are all cheering you on Jrock. Hey, your analysis and your ability to ask questions inspire me! thanks!

[jrock123]

Thanks to all of you for your support. I sincerely appreciate you all. No slip ups. I survived the week. Midweek when my mind was in a more pure state, my wife and I found time for each other. later in the week, I found out my job is secure for longer than I previously thought which obviously relieves a large part of the stress I had been feeling. still working on my son which will be a challenge for the next few years. no skating for the week until a minor slip and catch today so I don't feel too bad. still no porn and MB. on friday driving home, I had the strangest thought - I was fantasizing about intimacy with my wife. I swear that this has never, ever happened. I shared this with my wife and she got a kick out of it. so feeling better at the moment:)

[Desert Ghost]

Keep up the great progress jrock.=D>

[jrock123]

this morning, another amazing revelation. when i was into P and MB, I was turned off by my wife's body. I would have to look away. I did not find her attractive with nothing on. I was so turned off.

now when i look at her, i am totally turned on and cannot wait to get my hands on her!!! i think she is hot as hell!!!! i like when she is naked. i love looking at her.

and i am in disbelief at how radically skewed my brain was as a PA. still amazes me as I look back. i am now over 80 days.

[Mefree]

My hat is off to you, jrock.

You are an inspiration to have come so far.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

Thank you for your honesty and I am glad you have a newfound pleasure in looking at and engaging with our wife. But may I say... ouch! I have my own suspsicions about my husband and his interest in me when he was in the midst of his PA. But if he goes on here and ever says what you said about being turned off by your wife, I will NOT applaud his honesty. That would be extremely painful and I don't know if this is something you will share with your wife.

It is interesting to know how skewed your thinking is when you are in the midst of PA. Its like you are waking up now. I read your previous post about how you caught yourself fantasizing about your wife and how that had NEVER happened. I was amazed because I thought it is very sad to think you have a good marriage and think its normal to just not be interested in your spouse. Now that you have some distance from P, you are entering into more normal relations with your wife where you are putting love, intimacy, and sx together instead of divorcing sx from everything else. For that, I say, good for you.

Even if some of what you or other PAs say is painful for me as an SO to read, I am thankful for people's honesty on here. And when you are honest with yourself, that is the most important thing. Thank you.

[Life-lies-trust]

jrock,
Thank you for your honesty. As an So this was hard and yet hopeful to read. You deserve a pat on the back for this. =D>

[jrock123]

LLT/WONLM - Thanks for your comments.

I am not in your shoes so I only have some idea as to how both of you feel based on your writings. I will never truly know the pain you've endured. There's potentially something else you could take from my last journal entry. when a person is addicted to porn and the link between sex and love is broken, their wife's body is an object thrown into a pile of porn stars, centerfolds, models, etc. no wife is going to win that battle if her body is no more than an object in an unreal fantasy world. so in essence, the husband's view of his wife's body is not based on reality and therefore, the view is invalid and worthless. The husband cannot see and is irrational when he is a porn addict. I know you are hurt by what your husbands might be thinking, but please know they are incapable of an honest, objective opinion. I am not making excuses for them, but rather providing you an alternative view as to why what they are thinking doesn't really matter if they are still on porn.


btw, I will never share what I wrote with my wife. At this point it serves no good. right now she knows i can't get enough of her and that I love her more than I have ever loved her. she and her body and her mind are all one person and she is all mine:)

jrock123