jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

hey chewy - I don't remember if I made up the word "skating" or got it from someone else. if I am on the internet and see a picture of a celebrity in a bikini and follow that link and then start looking at multiple women in bikini's, I call that "skating" or living on the edge. I am not looking at porn and I am not MB'ing, but I am putting myself in a vulnerable position that none of us porn addicts need to be in. I have put myself in this position a few times in the last month. I am able to abstain, but I am essentially looking at women as objects, which ultimately has evolved into porn (in the past). It goes to show that I am not "home free" as a porn addict and I might as well accept that even if I abstain for the rest of my life, I am still a porn addict. My dad still calls himself an alcoholic even though he hasn't had a drink in 30 years. He still goes to AA meetings 4-5 times/week. I suppose the plus side is that I have not been tempted even once to look at P and MB, but I just do not need this. If I am being honest with myself, I still have a strong urge to look at women's bodies so I know my addiction is still going to be challenging. I guess its my early warning signal and the good news is that I don't take it any further, but I must stop this.

[chewy]

Well that makes perfect sense to me....skating....kinda like that term. I have done this many MANY times in the past and all it does to me is get me so worked up that I leave myself wanting more and more. Ultimately, it leads to looking at harder stuff and we all know the rest. I know my limit for many things in life. I know I can take 4-5 drinks and then stop because that's where I feel good and nothing else goes down my throat. On this subject though, I most certainly DO NOT know my limit. I look at images and them I look at more, then want to see more and more until I'm eventually on my favorite P site. In fact, this is the exact road I was going down during my last relaps. I had not yet made it to P, but I was certainly on the NC-17 stuff. The sick thing is that I justified my actions by saying, it's not P!! These girls aren't naked...there's not s3x going on...it's just yada yada yada.....I have tried to justifiy this several times and I now know, it IS P. For us addicts, it's just as dangerous as an alcoholic walking into a bar to use the restroom. NOT A GOOD IDEA!!! So I guess the only advice I could give you is, make EVERY attempt possible to not tempt yourself...ESPECIALLY if in the past it's caused you to fall like it has me. I'm so glad to hear you're still doing great man!! Keep it up.

[Mefree]

EXACTLY!
Wow, my thoughts exactly. Well said you two.

Skating on the edge seems to be a popular term around here, Jrock, and it's something I've done more than I'd like to admit. I end up using the same rationalizations as Chewy, but when we look at the big picture, there's no difference between bikinis and P. Skating like that in fact led me to my last relapse not long ago.
But it sounds like you're making excellent progress, Jrock! Keep going man!

[hast]

I think that I got the term skating from Daniel in the very beginning, and havbe used it ever since! It's such a perfect way to describe it.

[jrock123]

before I make the following statements, let me be clear - skating is not allowed for porn addicts - period. And I should NOT do it. Now that my position is clear, it has crossed my mind that there are plenty of normal people that go to the beach during summer and find an incredible number of things to stare at. for many people, staring at the various sites is common behavior, I think. the stereotypical construction men gawking at a pretty girl walking down the street is common. these types of things have gone on since caveman days I would think. where is the line drawn between what is common or normal or crossing the line. if you can partake in these activities and leave it behind you, is it P? getting a sports illustrated feb edition and staring - i mean a lot of these magazines are sold. if you don't masturbate after staring, is it still porn or is it instinctive behavior? i have pondered these questions since I have been porn and MB free. For me personally, i cannot do these activities, because I am a porn addict and one thing leads to another. so it doesn't really matter what others are doing. I can only worry about me. Again, please understand that I in no way condone this for anybody on this site. and for whatever images I have seen on purpose or accidentally, it has not prompted me to go further. I see the positive in that I have significantly more will power. But again, I know its wrong for me and I am committed to NOT doing it. I am done babbling.....

[Daniel]

jrock,

This is not babbling at all.

Instead, it is exactly where I live at the moment.

What is acceptable? What is not acceptable? What is considered P? I think I know the answer to this. But what is not considered P? What is "too close to the line?"

It seems clear that virtually every form of media and interest is incorporating more and more risque material to the point of it being ubiquitous. So the question of "How to Handle This?" is a constant.

As a rule of thumb and within my own mindset, if I have to ask myself,

"I wonder of this is acceptable?"

then it is very likely harmful to my recovery.

Yes, if whatever type of encounter occurs and it does not lead on to other things like it used to do, or does not consume hours of obsessiveness like it used to do, then those are good things.

But I strive (as I am sure you do too and everyone else here) to try to land on the BEST way, not just "better than it used to be..."

Ever Moving Forward,

Daniel

[jrock123]

yes i should be happy as i didn't think this was possible. my wife just said to me today that she thinks our relationship is the strongest its ever been and she feels closer to me than ever. I got her earrings for Valentine's Day, she got me clothes. quitting porn has been the difference - period. She can tell how much I love her. She feels how into her I am. Life is good. Well then why am I so depressed? I haven't felt this low in a long time. my job search is not going well. that isn't helping. I am so tired of my current job. I am also tired of working long hours. I have a close friend leaving work for the next month. She has had heart problems. There's a 50/50 chance she will never return to work. we're both married, so I know that's the end of a friendship as married people of the opposite sex aren't supposed to have friendships. Her husband isn't very social. I haven't had much sleep lately. There's no question I have had increased urges lately to view women on the internet. I've been very good about staying away from porn and MB, but the skating has continued. I find that when I am weak and had a few drinks my urge goes way up. I have got to break out of this funk. I just have too much to be thankful for.

[hast]

Sorry, jrock! I wish I knew how to help. Congrats on how long you've been free! Try super hard to get rid of the skating. That's your new problem you have to get rid of. It's like in the Cat in the Hat Returns, where he gets the pink off of one thing, but as a result gets it on another...you just have to keep getting the pink off until it's all the way gone!

[jrock123]

One thing that I find puzzling that someone on this site may have an answer to is the following: why when I feel so depressed do I want to entertain skating and MB and fantasy. Its like there is something inside of me saying "you are depressed so why not just completely screw things up??" My guard is way, way down. I have such an urge to MB and am fantasizing again. I have no interest in looking at P so now worries there. But I am dying to MB and my wife cannot be an outlet right now due to my impure thoughts. I feel a loss of control as well. I wish I knew what was going on. My med's are not working right now and I cannot remember feeling this low in years. Its like this huge cloud over me right now. I believe I know why I am feeling this way, but there is no easy way out. Its the job + my teenage son's ADHD that has created enormous tension at home + a close friend leaving my company. So why does all of this make me so weak that its increasing my urges? I feel so helpless and powerless right now.

[DudeWaffle]

One thing that I find puzzling that someone on this site may have an answer to is the following: why when I feel so depressed do I want to entertain skating and MB and fantasy. Its like there is something inside of me saying "you are depressed so why not just completely screw things up??" My guard is way, way down. I have such an urge to MB and am fantasizing again. I have no interest in looking at P so now worries there. But I am dying to MB and my wife cannot be an outlet right now due to my impure thoughts. I feel a loss of control as well. I wish I knew what was going on. My med's are not working right now and I cannot remember feeling this low in years. Its like this huge cloud over me right now. I believe I know why I am feeling this way, but there is no easy way out. Its the job + my teenage son's ADHD that has created enormous tension at home + a close friend leaving my company. So why does all of this make me so weak that its increasing my urges? I feel so helpless and powerless right now.

Jroock, the reason you are feeling this way is quite simple. You feel this pull when you are weakest because P and MB was the way you always used to deal with these feelings of tension, depression, etc. But think it all the way through. If you do slip now, how will you feel when you are done? How will you feel when you tell your wife (as you know you must)? Do you really want to start over at day 0?

Stay Strong!