jrock123 journal day 0-5

[Life-lies-trust]

I asked her if it was okay that I talk about this with her and she indicated that she was interested in hearing this. it felt good to be able to open up and share with her. it felt so easy. I have got to be the luckiest man on this earth - not sure why its me that deserves this but I will take it and enjoy it!!!!!

Congrats on opening up to your SO. Give her a big hug for helping you. You both need the hug.:)

[Desert Ghost]

Congrats jrock I'm glad that the advice I shared with you about opening up an honest line of communication with your wife has worked so well for the two of you. Just remember that there may still be some rough times ahead. Keep it up and you and her will be able to work through them together.

[Daniel]

jrock,

That's awesome that you brought your wife into your story! This will greatly multiply your chances for long-term success and burnish your ability to repel the urges.

On the 'skating' phenomenon you referred to and hast so well explained. I have been there too. That is exactly what led me step by step to fall back in 2001 after my first crash-and-burn with PA/discovery. And it is my current challenge -to not be seduced into thinking "Well, since it's not P per-se then it's OK.?"

No, it's not OK. And some would say it is P in its own way; at a minimum it robs peace and we know the mindset is wrong. I have also noted that those sorts of images can cause a P-like reaction in looking for more and occupying the mind, playing games with how much is too much etc., etc. Nothing good for sure.

Stay strong! Say "NO" to any compromise! Great news and thank you for sharing.

Daniel

[chewy]

jrock......wow!!!! I have been on this site now a little over a week and have taken the time to read a few journals and I have been sooo drawn to yours! Your story is amazing and so inspirational to everyone here. I kid you not, when I read your post about you telling your wife and her reaction I literally clapped my hands and said ALL RIGHT out loud!! You and are fairly close in our sobriety dates and I think that's another reason why I was so drawn to your story. I had been looking at P for over 20 years and never thought I had a problem until my wife sat me down in front of the computer one day and told me to take a test to see if I was a SA. It made me sick to my stomach when I saw those results. That was two years ago and since then I've lied to her too many times to count and completely crushed her heart and trust in the process. If I could go back and change anything it would be to do what you did, and that is to come clean to her. There is no doubt in my mind my wife would have reacted the same as yours did, and they do that because they love us. All they want is for us to be honest with them!! So I know exactly what you're feeling not having that 10,000 lb sack of bricks on your back anymore. The last time I "fell" was when I was looking at women in their underwear or bikinis. I justified this to myself as "this isn't P" IT IS TO US!! Please I urge you to NOT tease or test yourself because you will eventually fail. I too have an Itouch and it has gotten me into trouble. If you go into the app store do a search for X3watch. What this app does is replaces your safari and will continue to let you search and look at what ever you want. The catch is, when you install it, there are two places to enter email address. A detailed report of your searches will be sent to those address every 3 weeks and it is a GREAT accountability for me. My wife and my accountability partner's emails are the ones I use this way if I fall, she'll know. Best of all...IT’S FREE!!! I will continue to stay updated on your journal. I hope this helps you buddy!! Congrats on your journey!!

[jrock123]

feeling good and zero skating this past week!!! Had a good long chat with my wife last night as we got away from the kids for dinner. Its interesting that she still seems to think that her loss of sex drive must have been the early and sustaining catalyst for my interest in porn and MB. I insisted (as I have before) that this had nothing to do with my addiction. I stated that at any time, I could have initiated and she would have accepted. But I didn't and I believed we had a good relationship despite intimacy. I also stated that I could have turned to just MB which in itself is not necessarily a problem. The porn was the problem and simply linked to MB so they were one in the same. Ultimately it was my wife who decided we could no longer live without intimacy last August which then led to me disappointing her and her blaming herself for "no longer being able to turn me on". This went on for several months. After that I decided that she was too valuable in my life and it wasn't fair for me to put her in this position of losing confidence in herself which led me to me choosing her over porn. and here we are today.....our relationship and openness and honesty have simply never been better and I can see so clearly that what I have is special. To put it simply, I was an idiot, I cheated with P and I lost all ability to think clearly and objectively. I hurt the person I love the most. Thanks again TTF and all of those that participate regularly. I don't think where I am at today could have been achieved without you all:)

[chewy]

Jrock, you've been on my heart for the past week that I haven't seen you post in here. I'm so glad to see you're still going strong and you are an inspiration to all of us. Keep up the good work!!

[jrock123]

chewy - I've been so busy lately that I just haven't had the time to post. Thank you so much for your very kind words. I really appreciate it. I kind of feel like I've overcome a huge hurdle and I guess I am basking in it a bit. I have no plans to go anywhere and plan on continuing to participate on this site. so many new members and so many people reaching out for help. I can't think of a better place to be.:D

[artguy34]

Congratulations on 60 days jrock!

As you posted in another thread, life is sooooo much better being porn free.

Keep up the good work and continue to set an example for others. That's what TTF is all about... seeking help and helping others!

Good Luck on your journey towards recovery!

[jrock123]

overall still doing well. intimacy with my wife is fantastic. our relationship continues to reach new levels. has got to be the easiest 23 years of marriage ever and we absolutely love being with each other. went 2 weeks "skating-free" but slipped here by looking at some images on the internet (porn-free) yesterday. also, i'm sitting here this morning watching super bowl pre-game stuff and they previewed a couple of very racy go-daddy commercials that will be seen later today. this really stirred up a few things for me but I'm confident I will overcome them. still.....TV is evil!!!!! been extremely busy at work lately and my 13 year old is way beyond challenging so these two things have left me almost no time to log in to TTF. I miss you all!!!!!

[chewy]

So good to hear things are still going great for ya man! It is such a great thing to read how others are being successful on here. Keep up the good work and I know you will be just fine. I know what you're talking about regarding those superbowl ads yesterday. Luckly for me, they don't do a whole lot for me, but glad to hear you put your mind back on track quickly. I do have a question though....what is "skating" or "skating free"? I've seen this several times in your posts and am still a tad confused on it.