jrock123 journal day 0-5

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

Bravo! It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier to accept that someone is sorry and giving up the secret life when they come clean on their own. I hope this is the start of many good things for you and your wife. Well.... you already had good, so I hope it the start of better things for you both and your marriage.

Its good that you both had a calm and loving discussion. Maybe she will always be so calm... but don't be suprised if she thinks about things and has a less calm reaction later. I just don't want you to be upset and dismayed if she has a series of less calm reactions in the near future. The more time she has to think about things, and maybe certain situations, she might have more questions and hurt feelings.

you said in someone's journal today "you use the words "trying" below which gives you an out because you can never fail at "trying". "

That's what I was thinking but could never put in the right words. I think you are right... you have more clarity. :)

Good luck as you continue to walk this path... now side by side with your wife. Isn't that how marriage is supposed to be?

[Life-lies-trust]

Jrock,
Just stay truthful with her and no more lies. You will have to work to rebuild the trust with her and yourself. Tell you wife that she can get support here too. You did very good by talking to her and stop the cycle of secrets.

Good Going.

[Desert Ghost]

Bravo!!! Good going jrock - you've made a great move keep up the good work that you have started with honest communication with your wife.>:D<

[hast]

jrock, I am SO happy for you! And Your wife sounds like an AMAZING woman. I can tell there is a lot of love and understanding between you two, and I'm so glad to hear of a love that has lasted through the years, and that things like this can be worked through. This sounds a lot to me like Crisodian and Artguy's story, and that, my friend, is a good thing. I'm so incredibly proud of you for telling her, and I could never express how impressed with and proud I am of your wife. She is inspiring!

[Crisodian]

Congratulations jrock. I think I speak for most of the SOs here who had to make the discovery of our H's PA, that we would have much prefered to find out as your wife did with a rational, honest conversation.

Your wife will be your biggest ally, no matter how much support you get from TTF, friends, counselors, etc. Good for you on making the choice to be honest and open with her and yourself.

Keep moving forward!

Peace,
~C~

[little_wife]

wow jrock, you have proved yourself to be a bigger person. This is something all of us, addicts or not, want to live up to. ^:)^
Keep up the fight!

[jrock123]

wow - thanks for all of the warm comments. they are encouraging and very touching and I appreciate the support!!! i told my wife i couldn't have gotten this far without all of you. thank you, thank you, thank you. you really make me feel good about myself:) if i have to have an addiction, then TTF is where I need to be! :)

[jrock123]

on the plus side, I am at 49 days P and MB free and that feels good. I had THE conversation with my wife this week and I am still amazed at how smoothly it went. So overall things seem positive and on the right track. two weeks ago, I found myself wondering the internet and drawn toward links of pretty girls, bikinis, etc but no porn. I decided last week I was not going to do that anymore and was successful for a week. then this weekend I found myself wondering off to those same types of links. so am I P and MB free? - yes. are my behaviors where they need to be - NO. I do not have the urge to look at P or MB in anyway, but I am still drawn toward photo's of scantily clad women. logic would say that I am playing with fire and that with my addiction, I will eventually fail. I totally get that so I am committing to stop this behavior. If there is anything encouraging, its that my commitment to being P & MB free is not at all wavering and I am supercharged when I hit new milestones. I obviously have a lot of work to do, which after being in TTF, I realize I am never "done". when my dad quit drinking, did he go to the same bars with his friends, but drink soda? No way! Did he buy beer and let it sit in the refrigerator? - No way!!

on the way to pick up my son from a weekend school retreat, I started talking to my wife about some of the stories I have read on TTF, both the big successes as well as the ones where people are still struggling. I asked her if it was okay that I talk about this with her and she indicated that she was interested in hearing this. it felt good to be able to open up and share with her. it felt so easy. I have got to be the luckiest man on this earth - not sure why its me that deserves this but I will take it and enjoy it!!!!!

[Dewvis]

I made it a week!!! I don't think this has happened in over 10 years.

One time I went a little over two months, which is the longest I've ever gone, but that was because I was on a paramilitary style church mission trip and I was living in a pup tent with another guy and we had a hole in the ground for a latrine, we got up at 5:00 am every day did physical labor and lights out at 9:00 pm, so I was too tired to masturbate and the gross surroundings were not very sexy at all.

In college I went a few weeks without masturbating but that was because I had a girlfriend for the first time in my whole life, and I didn't want to jinx it by acting impurely.

Otherwise, I don't think I've ever been able to abstain for more than a few days.

[hast]

two weeks ago, I found myself wondering the internet and drawn toward links of pretty girls, bikinis, etc but no porn. I decided last week I was not going to do that anymore and was successful for a week. then this weekend I found myself wondering off to those same types of links. so am I P and MB free? - yes. are my behaviors where they need to be - NO. I do not have the urge to look at P or MB in anyway, but I am still drawn toward photo's of scantily clad women. logic would say that I am playing with fire and that with my addiction, I will eventually fail. I totally get that so I am committing to stop this behavior.

That sort of thing is called "skating" and under any circumstances, do not EVER let yourself do it!! E V E R. I'm almost to 70 days, now, and if there was anything that stopped me from being unsuccessful before, it was skating. I VERY narrowly escaped a relapse just days ago, and how did it all start? Just thoughts. I just THOUGHT of stuff similar to the girls in bikinis, and I thought in words, not pictures, so it seemed safe enough. Just a little thrill, right? WRONG! Because I have been P free for so long, it's like alcohol...my tolerance level has gone down, so before only big things like the P and MB would give me a thrill, that adrenaline rush, but now all it takes is a tiny thought. Because I let myself have a taste of that adrenaline, I wanted more, because for me at least, that's what I'm addicted to...not the P, not the MB, but more the rush that I get from it. I had terrible urges for days because of that one day of skating.

I'm glad you've recognized that this is dangerous, and CONGRATS on the 49 days!! That is an incredible feat, and I am so proud of you for that AND for telling your wife. Good job, jrock, I have so much faith in you!