jrock123 journal day 0-5

[little_wife]

jrock,
I hate to say it this way but, it is the only way I know how to say it because I like you wondering how to handle this ugly can of worms and filth. Open the can and dump, and if she has trouble understand the addiction compare it to the other forms of addiction. I won't lie; its not going to be easy on you or her and there will probably be a lot of tears. BUT, avoiding the issue will never make it any easier to deal with. I know it was that way with LLT and myself. An yes she may ask you some very hard questions. But, honestly answer them yes its going to hurt for the both of you. Once done though the more she will hopeful understand about what you a fighting with. Then the two of you can come up with a plan on how to get through those time when you are having trouble.

I soooo agree with DG. I'd been thinking about this before I seen DG's, and had come to this same conclusion. The pain you inflict by telling her is going to be awful-- even if she already knew of your porn habit. I knew about my husbands, for most of our marriage. Nonetheless, it begins to hurt the most when we start dealing with it. My guess is that you will face much anger, questions, and you will have to hear about how much she's hated this habit of yours in ways you'd never thought of. So of course, it will be awful for you too.

That said, I still think you should tell her. What has hurt the most to me, was that my H never chose to deal with this on his own. He has told me repeatedly how sorry he feels that he disappointed me. By your telling her of your own resolve to over come the PA, this is one disappointment she will not have to feel about you. Tell her about this website. Invite her to join.

Another thing, once you tell her, she'll expect more from you. She'll expect you to continue trying to overcome your PA. You will no longer be able to lie to yourself, and she'll be on the outlook also. It'll be harder to backslide, and if you're really committed to quitting, this will be a good thing.
Bless you Jrock, and whatever you decide, the best of luck to you.

[jrock123]

it feels like every few days, I bring up the discussion of when and if to tell my wife I quit. I've gotten a lot of advice from people and it is consistent with my own conscience - I need to sit down with her and lay it out. It just scares me to death and I hate that she will be hurt because she doesn't deserve to be hurt. We have the most incredible marriage that has lasted 23 years and get along so well. We love to be with each other.

I commit to sitting with her this weekend and telling her. I need to get this over with and I can't live with secrets anymore.

[hast]

Good going, jrock! You need to tell your wife. She will be hurt, yes, but the longer it takes for it to come out, the worse it will hurt.

Congrats on your progress, and thanks for posting in my journal! Good luck telling your wife!

[jrock123]

The best thing about Day 40 is that in the days preceding it, I had to stay up late for 2 nights working and I didn't think about porn in anyway nor did I have a temptation. I won't get overconfident WONLM!!!!! I am so encouraged by my progress. My first week of success was associated with going to bed at the same time as my wife every night. this alone cut out 18 hours of potential P and MB per week. I have yet to put the porn software filter in as I am still looking for one that controls the router (like my last one) vs. installing on every PC/MAC in the house. I will end up having to install it on all machines, but then I still have an Itouch that is unfiltered. However, even without this filter and opportunities to fail, I have completely resisted temptation. Thanks to my TTF family. When I log on, I am inspired, motivated, thankful, appreciative of all of you and all the things you have shared with me!!!!!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

You have made a lot of progress. You seem confident that this is a lasting change and I hope that is really true. I have said elsewhere in this forum that there is a difference between trying to quit and deciding to quit. You seem to have decided to quit. That may be why you haven't fallen back into P even without filters in place. I still think filters are a good idea though.

I know you have been so conflicted about telling your wife. It may seem like there's no point if you have truly quit and from this day, or 40 days ago, and forward, you will never hurt yourself, your marriage, or your wife by choosing to go back. But, there is value in telling her. Marriages should not have secrets. Boundaries, personal privacy... yes. But secrets, no. I wish you luck this weekend because this is going to be a difficult and hurtful conversation. As an SO, I can tell you that the truth, though painful, is healing. And if you tell her the truth on your own... if you came to the decision to quit, recover and heal without her catching you and giving you ultimatums... its immensely helpful. Its easier to believe change is real when it is prompted internally instead of externally.

Good luck and remember that the most important person to keep clean for is yourself.

[jrock123]

feeling good - no temptations...no living on the edge.... and nowhere near MB and P this week. one looming, major task left for this weekend and you all know what it is.........

[Vorlan]

Hey Jrock,

I totally endorse everything that's been said. You are doing the right thing by telling your wife and I hope that it goes/has gone well.

Breaking down the lies is so important in recovering from this properly...like a scab that has turned sour it needs to be lanced and cleaned before you can truly be free. Be aware she may need time to think and come to terms with this, give her the address of TTF so she can read more in her own time.

Also as you know you owe it to your wife to admit your mistakes. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and I wish you both strength and courage.

Best wishes,

Ben

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

I hope all is well with you, or as well as can be expected. Let us know how it goes with your wife. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and I applaud your honesty. Now... if you don't talk to your wife... I am still thinking of you and wishing you well. So, post either way.:) But as Vorlan (Ben) said.... best to remove the scab, scrape out the pus, and let the healing begin for real.

[Medium]

Hi jrock

I'm also thinking of you. I have been very keenly Reading your posts as I am also building up the courage to discuss this with my wife. Keeping secrets seems to have become as much of a habit as late night browsing of P and I would like to be more open than that with my life partner. I don't suppose you get pats on the back and lots of understanding for lying to your partner but I do hope thatyour relationship with your wife becomes stronger and deeper as a result of what you did this weekend.

[jrock123]

I went into work late today so that once the kids were off to school I could chat with my wife. Once I said "I have something to talk to you about", she sat down and said she was very nervous. I started with the discussions we had a year ago about why I need an internet filter and why she needs to own the password (this was in place before, but with the new cable company modem we now don't have it yet). this was in response to my son have seen some graphic images on my computer screen and my wife saying "I thought you quit". we had had the "i thought you quit" discussion about 4 times over the last 10-12 years. I told her I had an addiction to porn. she said she suspected this but wanted to turn the other way and not think about it. she cited the first time where she almost caught me 10 years ago but only saw quick and guilty movements. she stated that she never fully trusted me again. I explained how I came to the conclusion I needed to quit, that I joined the TTF website for support and was posting every day, that this is why I go to bed much earlier, and that this is why I am intent on installing parental control software on all of our pc's. we talked about this as a real addiction and I referenced some of the stories I had read on the website. we talked about my dad's addictions - alcoholism and cigarettes and how we was able to quit. after all of this, she came over to me, hugged me, said she appreciated the honesty and then asked how she could help. I said she should ask me frequently if I am behaving. I also told her to push me to finalize putting parental control software on all of our laptops (and itouch's). she asked me to commit to telling her about slip-ups and I agreed. I asked her if she felt a difference in me in the last couple months and she said she did - she felt we were closer and that I was more into being with her than in the past. it was clear to her that I was more interested in her sexually and that I was into our lovemaking much more than she was accustomed to. she tried to blame her loss of sex drive for 5-6 years for my addiction, but I told her that my addiction has zero to do with her - period. this went so easy and pleasant, I am in disbelief. i was sick thinking about this conversation this past weekend and I wasn't going to post to TTF again until I had this talk with my wife. as you can see, i committed to having the talk this past weekend and it took me until Tuesday morning to have it. I knew we had a good marriage after 23 years, but I am still surprised the conversation went this smooth. Now the burden is lifted and I am no longer hiding anything from anyone. My conscience is clear and I have the most important support I could ever ask for. This coming after zero P and MB for 44 days. I am so utterly encouraged by where I am at and I know that I am about as lucky and fortunate and loved as anyone. Thanks to all of you for your support. I couldn't have done this without many of you. thanks for your stories, your words of encouragement, your advice (especially from WONLM and other SOs). I am very appreciative. I am in peace. :)