jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

some times i feel like i have been p and mb free for so long and then i realize that i am only at 35 days - yes i feel good about 35 days. my mind is more clear, i love my wife more, i am sleeping better, i am not lying and i make better use of my time. my will power is good and i feel a large sense of relief. i never dreamed this was possible and had given up that the rest of my life would have p and mb in it so i just accepted that there was nothing wrong with it. but until i started abstinence, i did not know what i was missing and i certainly didn't foresee that there would be benefits and a better life without p and mb in it. I still don't exactly know what triggered me to stop as there was no specific event that helped me decide. i just kind of realized that i wasting hours and hours away, always tired because of how late i would stay up at night, and how often i would sprint to the computer the second i became alone. all embarrassing now that i look back. the one thing that has helped me is my admiration for my father. he was an alcoholic who has not had a drink in 30 years. he stopped smoking a few years ago. he stopped over-eating a few years ago and dropped 60 pounds. as addicted as he was, he was able to overcome these challenges. if he could quit something addictive, why couldn't I? I need to at some point thank him for being able to recognize his human weaknesses and overcome them. I don't think I'll be able to tell him about my addiction, but I certainly can tell him how much I admire him. TTF has helped because it is an open forum where I can openly express myself and see how others with similar struggles deal with this both successfully and unsuccessfully. I have learned from many others and I am forever grateful that TTF exists. this addiction is not like alcoholism where my dad could go to AA meetings 7 days a week and talk face to face with others. p and mb addiction is too embarrassing so a website like TTF is a gift to all of us. thank you to those of you who participate regularly.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

Thank you for your post. I am so glad you realized on your own that this was an addiction and harmful to yourself and your relationship. Actually, from reading your posts, I don't think you realized how harmful it was to your relationship until you made the decision to stop. You say things like your sx life is better, you love and desire your wife more, you both are happier together. Did you realize those things were missing before and that it might be related to the P/mb or did you just think that's how your marriage was?

You also said that this addiction is not like alcoholism where you could go to AA meetings every day. Maybe there aren't meetings every day, but there are SA groups or recovery groups that you could go to. I think you would find something like this helpful. My husband says that going to Celebrate Recovery meetings makes him feel like he can set down the burden he is carrying. It is the one place where he can be open and honest and get help and help others.

Take care, and keep on your path.

[jrock123]

WONLM - Interestingly enough, my wife and I have had a very good relationship as we have always been good friends. So our marriage has never really been in trouble. I had simply assumed that interest in each other sexually would have to decrease after having been together for so long. I had been using P and MB the last 10 years as an addiction, but for a long time, I simply thought of it as a supplement to the sex life that had reduced to zero with my wife. I never connected the two. My wife had lost her sex drive and about 6 months ago, when she decided we needed to be intimate, that I started to see the link. So maybe that was the first sign for me as I knew I wasn't being fair to somebody who deserved much better. She started assuming that I had lost interest in her sexually and that she could no longer satisfy me. It made me feel very guilty since it was me who was the problem.

I know there are recovery meetings out there, but we both know that its much easier for an alcoholic to admit a problem in public than it is for a porn addict to do it. There are 10 times as many AA meetings available in a community than there are PA meetings. PA is much more embarrassing and more difficult to admit publicly. that's all I meant. At some point, I would like to try a meeting.

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it:)

[Life-lies-trust]

jrock123
your wife sound a little like be about the assuming the our H's had no interest in us any more. I will tell you that this is not good for the self esteem of the SO. Give her hugs and let her know how you really feel. All I can add is just keep doing it till she releazies that you really mean what you say.

[little_wife]

jrock123
your wife sound a little like be about the assuming the our H's had no interest in us any more. I will tell you that this is not good for the self esteem of the SO. Give her hugs and let her know how you really feel. All I can add is just keep doing it till she releazies that you really mean what you say.

That has to be the absolute best advise someone could give a PA for how to react to their SO. Thank you Life-trust.

[Life-lies-trust]

jrock123,
Here is something that DG and I have come up with. When he is feeling down or a trigger is bothering him. He comes to me and asks if I could give him a hug or just hold him for a minute so that he can refocus. This way I feel that he cares and wants my help also that he is learning to trust both of us again. I'm working on my trust issues with him too.

[Daniel]

...then i realize that i am only at 35 days - yes i feel good about 35 days. my mind is more clear, i love my wife more, i am sleeping better, i am not lying and i make better use of my time. my will power is good and i feel a large sense of relief. i never dreamed this was possible

But 35 days IS HUGE! I know you know jrock.

I just want to give a hearty endorsement to your journey, and remember the days when I, and perhaps you, couldn't go a week. Maybe not even two days in a row.

And those days are gone!

35 days within a brand new life!

Daniel

[jrock123]

I received some good advice from Life-Lies-Trust and little_wife but my question is this: in the past my wife has said she simply "does not understand a person's interest in porn". she also says it is disgusting (it is), but she doesn't recognize there is an addiction involved. I haven't used the word. If I use the word "addiction", it feels like I am making an excuse for my behavior. I am sure she does not know the extent of my addiction. any advice from SOs on how I can best discuss this with her? I feel like I am opening a huge can of worms that part of me wants to avoid.

[Desert Ghost]

I feel like I am opening a huge can of worms that part of me wants to avoid.

jrock,
I hate to say it this way but, it is the only way I know how to say it because I like you wondering how to handle this ugly can of worms and filth. Open the can and dump, and if she has trouble understand the addiction compare it to the other forms of addiction. I won't lie; its not going to be easy on you or her and there will probably be a lot of tears. BUT, avoiding the issue will never make it any easier to deal with. I know it was that way with LLT and myself. An yes she may ask you some very hard questions. But, honestly answer them yes its going to hurt for the both of you. Once done though the more she will hopeful understand about what you a fighting with. Then the two of you can come up with a plan on how to get through those time when you are having trouble.

[jrock123]

desert ghost - i know, i know..... you are right. its a major step for me. i know i'll be disrupting our relationship when it feels like it is going very strong. I cannot be "home free" until I do this. But I am nervous because I truly believe my wife does not know the extent of my addiction. I am at 38 days now and while I feel it is a huge step for me, 38 doesn't seem like it will sound that amazing to my wife. I will essentially be saying, "hey honey, I've quit porn for the last 38 days. this means that I've looked at porn and mb'd up to 3 times a day for 10 years. this is why I wasn't interested in you sexually. forgive me and let's move on." ouch!!!!! is this helping my wife in anyway when she doesn't have any idea as the extent of my addiction????? where do I value her feelings in all of this just so I can "cleanse my soul"????? this really is tormenting me.