jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

well i made it 4 weeks and feel good about that, but i feel a weakening when i see pictures of attractive women. i have an overwhelming urge to masturbate. I have stayed away from porn, but its difficult to get the pictures off of my mind. My wife and I made love the other night and I hoped that would curb my urges, but it didn't. i am extremely tired lately because i ran out of my sleep pills without paying attention to when the prescription ran out. my urges have always been greater when i am tired - i don't know why. hanging in there. too many days off. back to work tomorrow and not as much idle time should help.[-X

[artguy34]

well i made it 4 weeks and feel good about that, but i feel a weakening when i see pictures of attractive women. i have an overwhelming urge to masturbate. I have stayed away from porn, but its difficult to get the pictures off of my mind. My wife and I made love the other night and I hoped that would curb my urges, but it didn't. i am extremely tired lately because i ran out of my sleep pills without paying attention to when the prescription ran out. my urges have always been greater when i am tired - i don't know why. hanging in there. too many days off. back to work tomorrow and not as much idle time should help.[-X

Congrats on making it 4 weeks jrock!

I just wanted to chime in with my 2 cents... I can understand your urges to MB, and even when you see attractive women, but truth be told, part of the recovery process is focusing your energy into constructive things. If you feel like MB-ing, then go to your wife and simply give her a nice hug and embrace her. Focus your energy into giving, instead of taking care of your own needs. This could help you avoid relapsing.

Its not a cure-all, but it has worked for me many times. No matter what it is... when the urge strikes, re-focus on something that should deserve your attention, and then the urges may subside?

Just a thought... keep fighting the battle my friend!

AG

[FoolishMind]

jrock, you are doing awesome dude, and it is innevitable that there will still be issues and tempations that linger and take longer to fade away. MB is a big one, and differs from person to person. AG is spot on that what you really need to do is focus on something else, these are addiction pangs, and most pangs only last about 2 to 3 minutes.

So if urge strikes, imagine the lights go dim, the mission impossible music is playing loud, and you change your stance to a secret agent in a ninja suit, and you have 3 minutes to get out. Get out of the temptation arena, and mission accomplished.

dum dum....dum dum dum dum.....doooodloooooooo...doooodloooooooooo...dum dum

FM

[Desert Ghost]

jrock, keep-up the good fight I'm only a little over 2 weeks in recovery myself. But, let me echo AG and FM when the urge comes on you refocus your energy on to your loved one, just the simple act of touching or hold on to each other will get you past the urge and re-establish your connection to reality that there are bettering things then the fantasy of the (P and MB) world.

[jrock123]

back to work and busy which seems to be half the battle with avoiding porn for me. its the idle time that kills me and having time off during the holidays made things more difficult to maintain pure thoughts. I did take advice from several of you and focused on my wife the last couple days and that has helped. I feel more in love than in a long time and truly enjoy intimate moments where I am able to clearly focus on my wife. its a good feeling. life does seem different for me after the last 30 days and i am thankful for it.

[jrock123]

doing okay.... still straying a bit on the internet when i see scantily clad w. but then turn it off and avoid it. need to get back to hobbies and regular sleep to eliminate alone time hours. it just too tempting to peek. still no porn and no mb but not as preventative as i should be. gotten lots of good advice so i just need to act now before i regret something. playing with fire not good.

[jrock123]

I am not retyping everything, because the benefit was already achieved - TTF helped me kill idle time!! summary is too much recent idle time, following PG-17 links too much, stopping and logging off, still no P or MB, but providing myself too many opportunities. need to finish plan with internet filters and most importantly tell my wife I quit. this scares me to death because I don't think she has any idea how addicted I am so telling her I quit is like telling her I used P and MB every day for the last 10 years (which I did). thanks TTF for being there and helping me kill idle time. I have a very long way to go.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

Congratulations on your progress.

Here's a question and its a little bit of tough love. I hope you take it in the spirit of helpfulness which is how I mean it to be.

Why are you skating so close to the edge? You know that this is behavior that is not helpful and will likely lead you to a relapse. Have you committed fully to recovery yet? I think there is a difference between telling yourself "I committed to trying to quit" and "I am committed to quitting."

I know you are trying and making progress. You are actually thinking about what you are doing, even while skating close to the edge. I think that you will be ready to tell your wife when you really decide that you are done. If you tell her now, then you will have to finish with the internet filters and you will have to stop letting your mind and your mouse wander. Are you ready for that?

Good luck with your progress and I hope for you and your wife that you commit to quitting instead of committing to trying to quit. But mostly I hope you commit for yourself because you are really missing out on life otherwise.

[jrock123]

WONLM - thanks for the usual tough love:) I actually am committed to quitting and not "trying to quit". I can't condone "living on the edge" and I don't know why I am doing this. This may sound odd, but I almost think I am testing myself. With all the increased idle time (which will stop now that my new sleeping pills have arrived), I have not looked at porn and I have not MB'd, even though I have 100% easy access and have been alone quite a bit. I am not saying that I am smart, but I'd have to say I've even surprised myself with my will power. I have felt more interested in my wife and our relationship than ever and I am enjoying our new found intimacy as though I have been given a gift. I would have never, ever thought that by eliminating P and MB that my relationship would improve so much with my wife, and that I would have such a renewed interest in her. I don't think anybody could have ever convinced me of this. I commit to not "playing with fire" anymore. Day 34 is here and I feel blessed beyond belief.

[little_wife]

Hi jrock123, :)
I'm sure even without your saying anything, that your wife knows that you're working harder on being a good husband. She might not know the exact cause of the upturn, but speaking as a SO, I think I could always feel when my husband was committed to us, and when he wasn't. Keep up the good work, you and your wife both deserve this.