jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

a bad day overall with more visits to porn and mb'ing. tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. i need to start everything over.

jrock

[Life-lies-trust]

Jrock sorry this has happened. Can you make a plan that include the emotions that you are feeling and a way to work through them without relapsing?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

Its tough to read what you are going through because I know how bad you feel about letting yourself down. Don't let this be your downfall. You can stll continue your journey.

What does your wife think about you leaving when things got tough with your son? Have you guys tried family counselling?

I know its hard to think about, but just because your kid has a tough time, that doesn't mean you are a failure as a dad. Kids do what they do, often with no relation to what we as parents do. The reason I ask about counselling for him is because you have stated that you have your own depression and other issues that you take counselling and medication for. If you have these issues which you can't help on your own, it stands to reason there are genetics at play with your son. If you have a hard time dealing, it makes sense that your son may have some of te same issues.

You know I take personal interest in your struggle. I am sure it was hard for you to post here, but remember that no matter what, this is your struggle and yours alone. If you feel like you let people down here, don't. You have let yourself down and that is probably the hardest thing to deal with.

I wish you well on your journey.

[jrock123]

wonlm - my wife was disappointed that i left. the reason i left is that i didn't think i could deal with things and felt like i was about to burst. its more than just my son and it was kind of a boiling over. i did take my 10 year old daughter with me to the hotel to make sure i didn't do something completely stupid like drinking or drinking/driving or go to a bar or who knows what (i waited til she was sleeping and i was behind a locked door for the other stuff). i've always had this weird habit of trying to do something wrong to myself when I've had something negative happen to me - a bad day at work led to drinking or staying up til 2am in the morning when i had work the next day. i feel accountable to myself on porn, but i am equally accountable to my wife. i do feel some accountability to the is forum, but you are right, its not the driving force behind quitting. i have been thinking about porn today, but have been able to stay away. the urge is there. i will get through today as well as the rest of the week and will be on my way toward being porn-free once again. i need to get thru today though.

i didn't want to post yesterday and i don't look forward to my wife reading my journal. but i have to be honest. its painful. i have to start living life and quit letting other things control me. easier said than done.

jrock

[Desert Ghost]

Sorry! To here about your problem, but remember that being free and sober is the most important thing that you can do for yourself.

[seeker]

Hey J-Rock-Star!

I was skimming your journal and saw how awesome you were doing there for a while. Even an olympic athlete needs to take a breather once in a while dude, don't be so damn hard on yourself! Get back on the horse and forgot about the past. It's all behind you.

Everyone has urges and it's natural. We can only try to control the inappropriate and hurtful ones but they can't be ignored or overlooked. Just try and find the proper outlet for them.

You're a good man and have accomplished a lot in a few short months. I am really happy to read about your amazing success. Keep the fires burning friend!

=D>

[jrock123]

3 days squeaky clean. 3 days of exercise (haven't done this in a long time). feeling better about myself. i have a great wife, i have job security, i have 3 wonderful kids. i have been 98% porn free for the last 5 months. need to focus on how to be the best dad possible given the challenging son that I have. I owe this to my wife and my 3 children. I need to keep looking at the bright side of things. I've gone to church for the last month and I am praying again.

seeing porn for the first time in 5 months is without a doubt influencing how I look at women and the urges I have. I know these will wain as the days go by but I can't believe that the brief interaction I had with porn is so strongly impacting me. wow! one more data point that I am an addict. looking back to the other day.... why is it that the first thing I thought of after losing control with my son, feeling very low about everything, and leaving home for the night was that I had to go look at porn? why did I target porn as a means of hurting myself further? a good topic for my therapist this week. I don't understand this.

jrock

[seeker]

3 days squeaky clean. 3 days of exercise (haven't done this in a long time). feeling better about myself. i have a great wife, i have job security, i have 3 wonderful kids. i have been 98% porn free for the last 5 months. need to focus on how to be the best dad possible given the challenging son that I have. I owe this to my wife and my 3 children. I need to keep looking at the bright side of things. I've gone to church for the last month and I am praying again.

seeing porn for the first time in 5 months is without a doubt influencing how I look at women and the urges I have. I know these will wain as the days go by but I can't believe that the brief interaction I had with porn is so strongly impacting me. wow! one more data point that I am an addict. looking back to the other day.... why is it that the first thing I thought of after losing control with my son, feeling very low about everything, and leaving home for the night was that I had to go look at porn? why did I target porn as a means of hurting myself further? a good topic for my therapist this week. I don't understand this.

jrock

You were angry which really means you are frustrated that you lost control of something very important in your life. You were sad and probably turned to something that instinctually you thought would make you happy and give you back some control.

It really is not as big a deal as you make it although clearly it created a little harm. You hit a speed bump driving 120 mph, ouch! But you didn't blow out the engine brother!

Instead of running to the P outlet next time run to something more comforting. Your wife, a friend, take a walk, maybe build yourself a little 'man cave', the gym, etc.

Again, you are an amazing guy JROCK! and you have inspired me to start my own journal. (*)

[Desert Ghost]

3 days squeaky clean. 3 days of exercise (haven't done this in a long time). feeling better about myself. i have a great wife, i have job security, i have 3 wonderful kids. i have been 98% porn free for the last 5 months. need to focus on how to be the best dad possible given the challenging son that I have. I owe this to my wife and my 3 children. I need to keep looking at the bright side of things. I've gone to church for the last month and I am praying again.

seeing porn for the first time in 5 months is without a doubt influencing how I look at women and the urges I have. I know these will wain as the days go by but I can't believe that the brief interaction I had with porn is so strongly impacting me. wow! one more data point that I am an addict. looking back to the other day.... why is it that the first thing I thought of after losing control with my son, feeling very low about everything, and leaving home for the night was that I had to go look at porn? why did I target porn as a means of hurting myself further? a good topic for my therapist this week. I don't understand this.

jrock

Just a simple reminder we can only manage our own emotions and actions. An we become upset when we attempt to manage others, because we forget that others do not think like we do and they have their own emotions which drives their actions. So, naturally when we can not manage others we tend to run back to what we know as a comfortable, secure place (our addiction). We just need to retrain our brains to step back and re-examine why we are upset at the actions of others. Then we can negotiate with the others to attempt to get the desired outcomes or walk away without be upset if an outcome is not possible.

[jrock123]

5 days squeaky clean and actually doing okay. urges starting to wain which is good.

overall mindset good lately. my wife and I totally on track and understanding each other. heading toward 24 years together and its been a great journey. my son doing okay lately. all A's and B's with one C. My son had a good therapist session - i am hopeful.

I appreciate the comments DG and Seeker made. I am definitely trying to be more positive because there is more right going on with my life than wrong. And I am on my bike again and signed up for a 5 day mountain bike/camping trip in a month so I need to ride a lot to get back into shape. so I am looking ahead, trying to live vs. survive.

jrock