jrock123 journal day 0-5

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

I am glad I was able to give you some perspective and at least make you think. Of course it is highly personal and risky to talk to your wife about this. But, I do think that even if she doesn't know what you are doing, she still probably senses something is wrong. You choose to tell her, you choose the timeline. I just hope you do choose. And if its with 30 days of sobriety under your belt, that is huge!


I hope you will continue this journey and make the lifetime committment to change and not just a 1 week pass like Daneil spoke about in his "run what ya brung" post. Artguy also made a good point when he posted that in this journey, "relapse is not an option". At this point, you likely have lots of images cluttering your brain, although you have lately been working to stop thinking about them. But its hard, you know when someone says, "don't think purple tomatoe, don't think purple tomatoe" then automatically you think, purple tomatoe! So, you have stuff inyour head, and it will be hard to turn off those thoughts. You can't help that, its a process. But you CAN control your actions. You have to decide, this is it for me. And you do whatever it takes to stick with that decision. No mental outs, loopholes or rationilazations. Either you are in, or you are out.

You said you made love to your wife recently, and except for a brief thought, it was the first time in a long time you haven't had to use the image of another woman to make love to your wife. That is kind of a knee to the gut to read that, since I wonder about my husband and what he needs to be able to make love to me. But, it is honest, so thank you for that. I am curious, why do you think you need other images to make love to your wife? I know its a personal question, but this is a personal place.

Have a good day, and I hope today was another successful day for you.

[jrock123]

Because of my pa and mb, I had a difficult time orgasming when my wife and I had sex which we tried to do more frequently in the last few months (I am not calling this love on purpose). She says I must not be attracted to her anymore and that she feels inadequate for me. While on porn and mb'ing, I think I was desensitized. I didn't want her to feel inadequate. I owe her more than that. So odd as it sounds I used to think of another woman so I could orgasm. Yes bizarre. But I couldn't stand her thinking she was the problem. I am not proud of this. I think u need to make sure he is looking in your eyes when u make love. Tell him u love him with both of u looking at you looking at each other while making love. Then you'll know for sure. If u don't feel good at this point, u will know what u r thinking is true. I know that sounded harsh and its based on my experience and I can't speak for all men. I do know that what I described above is something I know would have impacted me.

[jrock123]

At 14 days and going strong. Thanks to Crisodian and WifeofNewLifeMan and Cyberpunk for their poignant comments. Extra Special thanks to WifeofNewLifeMan - You have opened my eyes with your honesty and your perspectives. You are helping me think differently and opening up angles I didn't realize existed. I so appreciate you!!!

[jrock123]

Even after bathrobe shopping in Victoria's Secret, no issues and no mind wondering!!! So why did I even go in there your ask? It was my 7th stop and I was desperate!!!! I am so optimistic right now about kicking this addiction. I have surprised myself at my new mindset. I feel like a miracle is happening. For everyone new to this forum, you CAN kick the P and MB habit. I haven't gone this long not MB'ing since I was 12. I am serious. I wish I understood this and I am cautious that there may be tougher days ahead. But thank you TTF for the huge role you have played in all of this.

[jrock123]

21 days with no P or MB. still going fairly strong. I've let my mind wonder slightly the last day after seeing a brief video where there was a scene with women in bikinis but was able to stop it there. I never had the urge for porn but I did find myself wanting to see more women in bikinis. I had actually filled in the word bikinis in the google search bar, but then walked away. with the kids on christmas break, my wife and I have not had any alone time. I am dying to make love with her but there has not been an opportunity. One thing I am realizing about being porn and MB free is that in the last 3 weeks, my desire for her is increasing. when knee deep in porn, I didn't find her attractive and didn't like to see her naked. Now I cherish it. I am thankful for this as at one point I started to think I might be falling out of love and thought that our remaining years would be without sex. My skewed view was "oh well, at least I have porn." Amazing that I could be that blind but I guess that's what an addiction does to you. I also remember thinking that I simply had no control so I just enjoyed porn and figured that was it for the rest of my life.

[Medium]

Well done on your 22 days jrock. I'm still some way behind, but I have enjoyed reading your journal here. I'm in the same boat in that I haven't shared my new resolve with my wife (and so maybe I'm giving myself an easy out of this too). It's great that your new freedom has given you a renewed appreciation for your wife. I hope you really cherish that feeling and that it continues to grow because having those type of positives will surely make the process so much more meaningful.

[jrock123]

My concern now (which I put as question in the general discussion thread) is how to prevent a relapse. 24 days with only a few strayed thoughts is a good start but there are so many folks with relapses, I know I cannot claim success just yet. Yes I feel good so far but I do not want to lose focus in the future.

[jrock123]

doing alright after 26 days. on one hand it feels good, on the other 26 days isn't that long. I can only look forward so that's what I'll do. I let my mind wonder a couple times - once from clicking on an msn web link, but i then closed it and moved on. there was also another that hasn't completely gone away. However, I remain P and MB free and totally focused on my wife as we enjoyed each others company the other night:) My relationship with my wife seems to be moving to an even higher level after 23 years and I thoroughly enjoy our time together. I am thankful for the success so far and feel positive going into the new year. Thanks to the inspirations on TTF.

[Daniel]

My skewed view was "oh well, at least I have porn." Amazing that I could be that blind but I guess that's what an addiction does to you. I also remember thinking that I simply had no control so I just enjoyed porn and figured that was it for the rest of my life.

jrock,

You verbalize one of my old dusty rationalizations, amazing. This thought has literally not been visited for so long that I had (thankfully) forgotten about it completely.

Congratulations on your winning streak, very nice work.

Stay vigilant,

Daniel

[jrock123]

today is day 27 and i found myself looking at several of the available iphone apps for sale of women in bikinis - i have really had a strong urge lately to masturbate and it feels like its getting more intense. the other common thread is that I have had too much idle time. i am leaving the pc right now to get out of the house.