jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

31 days porn free, 31 days skating free, doing well - A

had to make a couple concessions with my boss, but he went for them and it looks like I am closer to job security. He said I should stop looking for a job although he does need to confirm his proposal with a few folks. B - trending up

my wife has committed to talking about our intimacy issues once the relatives leave. sounds like she has gotten and internalized the message. we will talk on Saturday. D

still avoiding conflict with my son, not raising my voice, trying to be supportive - family in town this week so he's on better behavior. overall no progress - C

my friend returns to work today. I have some anxiety over this as I am sure she does too. she's made it clear that she will "not answer some of my questions". we did not get into which types. I know she is trying to improve her marriage and become less dependent on me as a shoulder to cry on. Just feels like she was 100% open with me 9 weeks ago before her medical leave. she told me everything. now she's attempting to flip a switch and I keep telling her I need some leeway because I don't know what she's been through. wish me luck. this friendship is still important to me, but I don't want to put myself in a position to continually be hurt and need to be prepared to walk away (which I do not know if I can). D

2 sessions with therapist - I completely poured my thoughts and feelings out and held nothing back. He's had good advice that I need to followup on before my next visit with him.

now taking abilify regularly. will visit psychiatrist in next week to determine if this has helped me. seems that I am able to look at things as glass half full more often although the job, wife, son, and friend problems are pretty hard to see differently and I still get low. need more time.

jrock

[jrock123]

porn, job, wife, son - A, B, C (D too harsh), C
friend returned to work, we chatted for 90 minutes and cleared up numerous things. I am in bliss. B

jrock123

[Desert Ghost]

jrock,

I'm happy to see that things are starting to improve for you. Just remember that your recovery comes first, so stay strong.

[jrock123]

thanks DG - the only thing that seems to be going completely right is being porn-free. my definition of porn-free has helped which is essentially 0 porn and 0 skating and 0 looking for loop holes. its made me more accountable as well as re-defined a successful day for me. I've left no room for bending rules or rationalization. I am also proud that although I have had had many other issues, a lack of sleep and an increase in depression, I have not wavered on porn.

jrock

[Desert Ghost]

thanks DG - the only thing that seems to be going completely right is being porn-free. my definition of porn-free has helped which is essentially 0 porn and 0 skating and 0 looking for loop holes. its made me more accountable as well as re-defined a successful day for me. I've left no room for bending rules or rationalization. I am also proud that although I have had had many other issues, a lack of sleep and an increase in depression, I have not wavered on porn.

jrock

jrock,

I know first hand that withdrawal is a pain, but it does lessen as time passes. An you will feel better for it. So, all I can say is stay strong and this too shall pass. Just remember the old saying "That Which Does Not Kill Us, Makes Us Stronger.">:D<

[jrock123]

35 squeaky clean days - porn free, skating free, loophole free.

Wife - with relatives gone, we went to a movie and dinner. Long chat about intimacy issues. She is going to see a doctor. We r still committed to working this out. She was very emotional.

Job - nothing new since learning I now have a position after the current one ends. I am annoyed that it's less money. Still though, it's long term security.

It does seem that things are better. Now I need to start sleeping better and exercising and see how I feel. Then I can decide if I am home free from this depression funk I've been in for the last 3 months.

Jrock

[boris]

Squeaky clean - I like that.

I'm hope you're getting some relief with the abilify. I know what it's like to deal with depression, especially during the winter months, when there's less sunlight. From my experience, even if the medication is working, I stll have some down days, from time to time. Then again, most non-depressed people have crummy days every so often to. Getting out of that deep funk makes if easier to stay clean, since we're no longer looking for that quick pleasure fix to get us out of our depression.

I'm glad you worked things out with your coworker/friend. A healthy distance is a good thing, for both of you. Being emotionally dependent on someone outside of your marriage, especially a woman, can prove dangerous. It can turn into an emotional affair. So I'm glad you're putting your energies into improving your relationship with your wife. Hopefully she will get some answers from her doctor.

You're one day farther along than I am. Let's keep it that way!

Good Job Jrock.

Boris

[jrock123]

36 squeaky clean days - A

my wife and I had another long chat - I went out and bought some women's libido cream and some fun stuff. we talked about these things and our future and the need for intimacy. funny how its me leading the conversation. without porn in my life and with dedication to my wife, I really need intimacy and I see what the lack of it does to a marriage. I told my wife its difficult for me to feel close to her without intimacy. I think she sees I want to help and am willing to be patient. one thing we both realized was that neither of us likes to finish conversations or tackle issues head on. We wait and wait and hope things will resolve themselves - which they never do. Definite progress here with the lines of communication opened again. I do love my wife. B.

nothing new at work. I need to keep remembering that the main goal was for me to secure long term employment with the current employer. the big picture is that I need this for my family and I can't afford to have an ego. This mission was accomplished. I will continue to look for a job, but in the big scheme of life, the goal was achieved. I will say B+.

My wife continues to be unhappy with my son who is lying more than ever, overeating more than ever, arguing more than ever. My wife expressed disappointment at how I've bowed out of the parenting. I have absolutely needed the break, but I need to get involved again. C.

As far as my friend goes, I've decided a couple things. she has been very genuine with me, is maneuvering a jealous and controlling husband, and I've made myself too vulnerable. I have begun my plan to disengage (thx to WONLM). I certainly will be polite and there is no question as I look at myself in a mirror - I DO have feelings for this person. so I am following a plan - I've removed her from IM contacts, I've deleted pictures I have of her, I will not go out of my way for her. I've listed every reason she and I are a bad mix. Today after I talked with her, I felt good because all misunderstandings were cleared up, and I feel I can walk away. I won't be writing about her anymore. She did contribute to my depression, but has nothing to do with porn addiction so no need to bring her up here. B.

I see my therapist tomorrow morning. I think I am making progress. only 1 C. Thanks to all of TTF, especially WONLM for being there for me at all times. This site continues to amaze me. its one of the best things to ever happen to me. I appreciate you all:)


jrock

[Life-lies-trust]

My wife expressed disappointment at how I've bowed out of the parenting. I have absolutely needed the break, but I need to get involved again. C.

Did you think that maybe your wife needs a break too? If you needed one she does too. Try giving her a night where you take your son on and give her time for herself.

[jrock123]

LLT - my wife DOES deserve a break. problem has been that even though she doesn't get one, my son always comes back to her at night and always needs her loving. i get ignored and discounted. while i no longer take it personal, it has impacted me and my parenting. nonetheless, i need to re-engage and help her out because she deserves it:)



jrock123