jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

How have I responded to the pain of betrayal?

On some level, we all feel we have made some kind of contract with life or with others. When these things do not come through as we hoped, we feel a unique pain called betrayal. It happens to all of us in different ways. It is a belly punch that leaves us with a sense of futility and emptiness, personal hurt, and often anger.

In today’s Gospel (John 13:21-33, 36-38) it happens to Jesus from two of his own inner circle, both Judas and Peter. The more love and hope we have invested in another person, the deeper the pain of betrayal is. If it happens at a personal level, we wonder if we will ever trust again. Our heart does “break.” It is one of those crossroad moments, when the breaking can forever close you down, or sometimes just the opposite—open you up to an enlargement of heart and soul.

We all know that Jesus chose the second path, and this is the man we call “the sacred heart,” with his heart exposed and offered outside of his chest. It is a daring but necessary metaphor that invites and heals our own broken hearts.

Written during hermitage, Lent 2010

DG - unbelievable. what an absolutely wonderful and meaningful message. it warms my heart with a completely different perspective. thanks for the reset. I so appreciate it.

jrock

[jrock123]

jrock-

I have to agree with DG on this one. It seems like you are putting a lot of time and emotional energy into your friendship with this woman who you already admitted isn't always the best friend to you. Is your wife aware of how broken up you are about your friend? I don't think I would like it if my husband was so close to another woman that he was sick over losing her. But, your wife is a suprisingly accepting woman from what you have said and she handles a lot of things more gracefully than I do. :)

I hope you will be ok and that your counselling helps you.

WONLM - yes my wife is amazing. while I did initially have trouble breaking the ice with her on porn addiction, I generally am very open and honest about my feelings and experiences with her. she's knows I'm broken up over this and has been very understanding as I've talked about this woman a number of times. my wife knows about everybody I work with so she knows a lot about this woman's trials and tribulations. my wife empathizes with this woman on career, two kids, stress, etc. I think DG has hit the nail on the head by calling this betrayal. I have a boss that I felt betrayed me and I reacted in the exact same way. I can think of several other examples where betrayal has just eaten me up for weeks.

[jrock123]

It's really painful when someone you are close to rejects you. I thought it revealing that she has stated that you are her only friend. There may be a reason for that. Sometimes caring and giving people such as yourself overlook and tolerate bad behavior from others because we see that they need a friend. I've done the same thing and also gotten burned. That doesn't mean I won't risk it again, if someone needs my friendship.

You can't control her feelings or actions. She's responsible and accountable for them. If she is so adamant in her rejection of your friendship, respect that and back away. Don't view it as a reflection on your value as a friend. Her lack of appreciation is a reflection on her, not you.

She sounds like she's going through her own stuff and may not be thinking clearly. It doesn't excuse her bad behavior. If it's out of character for her, she'll come around eventually. If not, then she's revealed her true character, and your job is done. Unfortunately, not all relationships are exactly 50/50, but once you've been use up, there's nothing left to give.

For the time being, keep your distance, stay out of her swing range. Focus on yourself and your family. Most of all, don't retaliate.

You sound like a really good person. Don't let other peoples' behavior change who you are.

We're here for you.
Boris

Boris - good advice. I am a realist but sometimes I need a clear message. If she said, "I've got a stressful situation I am dealing with, can we delay communication for a couple weeks?" or "I'm sorry you are feeling this way. At this time, I cannot tell you what is going on, but I am asking you to trust me and I will get back to you in a few weeks" or "while we are friends I also work with you. and right now, I don't want to think about work as I recover. Sorry for your feelings. I will get back to you" then I would accept these responses and stop stewing over things. all of these are easy direct responses that would have ended my inquiries. instead, I received no responses, evasive responses, vague responses which honestly pissed me off. just give it t me direct, I can take it.

jrock

[jrock123]

11 squeaky clean days!

[Benedict]

jrock, congratulations. Keep it up! I have found your journal very helpful and motivating. Hope you can let go of the hurt around the friend situation....sometimes people don-t meet our expectations, or even our bottom lines, for behaviour, and don't want to address it. Not much we can do about them, but we can do a lot about our own feelings.

[hast]

Jrock, I realize that it's hard for you to lose this friend, but to me it sounds like she's trying to push you away and doesn't want to say it right out. Maybe she felt that it was getting too close and she's trying to make sure it doesn't progress. I'm not saying that it would have, but she might be afraid that one or both of you is entering dangerous territory. Maybe you should let her distance herself a little bit for a while

[artguy34]

I am now had a few exchanges with my so-called friend. I am so frustrated over this that it is now the no. 1 thing dominating my thoughts. 3 hours of sleep last night. I have done so many things for this person personally and professionally. in the past, she has told me I am her best friend and only friend. yet she has no interest in talking with me during her Medical Leave of Absence (for stress problems post heart complications). She avoids me, doesn't return texts and when I said I was disappointed at how fast she cut me out of her life and how much pain I was in, the response was simply "I don't want to be told how to spend my recovery time." I was so, so close to this person. I feel so deceived and rejected.

Hey Jrock, I have been reading this and I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in and hope it helps?

First of all, I would say that it is great to be there for someone who is a good friend like this woman. However even though you feel betrayed, you need to keep in mind that she is going through a very tough time medically. Moods can alter and she can feel like she needs to alienate herself from everything until she can be physically healthy again.

I remember when I had back surgery and I was on all sorts of pain meds. I was not the most happy camper in the world.

This is just my advice but if I were you, I would just let her be for a while and when she is ready, she will come back and be your friend. If not, then she doesn't deserve your friendship.

Take Care, and I hope things get better!

AG

[jrock123]

thx to all for the feedback:) much appreciated! i have a few updates. my wife and I finally connected again and it was wonderful. i really love that woman!!!! 24 years without a day of our marriage in jeopardy. I am sooooo blessed. our talks have helped a lot as well.

work - no change. annual performance review time next week. i know what the review will say,the question will be around my future job as my current one ends in october. ugh........

so i couldn't take the silence anymore. i texted my friend and said i was coming over the next day at 8am. THAT got a response of "please don't. it will cause stress between me and my husband". i asked her to call me that night she said she couldn't. I asked her what the first statement meant, and she said her husband thinks she and I had an affair. I asked her why he thought that and she said because of how much you were checking up on me at the hospital and texted me during that timeframe. she had asked her husband to call me to give me an update. she said not to text her anymore and she would call me Monday. well.... end of that friendship as I am not going to cause her stress that creates more problems. Her husband knew I was helping him get a job. He had previously worked at my company. he started working there again last week. so I am relieved and sad. it really was not betrayal. I'll see her face to face in a couple weeks when she returns to work. I guess men and women can't be friends. this is the second time in my adult life this has happened. I have been and always will be 100% faithful with my wife. no worries there.



jrock

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

I am sorry your friendship had to end, but I am glad you were able to get some closure. Men and women can be friends, but it is hard to be close without someone getting their feelings hurt even if there is no reason.

Maybe part of the reason you were skating was to keep your mind off of your problems with your friend. Now that you have an answer, maybe you can focus more on yourself and your recovery. Your wife sounds like she is very understanding and loving. I hope you will decide to lean on her and your marriage friendship instead of heading back to P.

I hope you have a good, stress free, relaxing Easter weekend.

[jrock123]

well today is 13 squeaky clean days. again starting extremely strong without even the slightest temptation. I saw a link to a story and pictures today that I would have followed last month, but easily stayed away. so good signs. I am now sending 1-2 progress updates to my wife each week so I have one additional means of accountability that I didn't have last time. this way, even though she isn't prompting me for updates, she is getting them.

one of my other problems that has had a huge impact on my mood has been the difficulties we have had with my 14 year old. He has ADD, is a chronic overeater, has no control over candy and desert intake (including sneaking out in the middle of the night), cannot make connections between today and future implications, refuses to exercise, can't get to bed on time, has awful study habits, is grumpy, argumentative, has a nasty temper, lies chronically, treats me and my wife like crap.

he is not into drugs or alcohol, he is an A-C student, was the best big brother ever to his 10 year old sister growing up, has tons of friends, is into singing and acting regularly at a local theatre, has a great sense of humor, and when he is "on" he is fun to be with. unfortunately he is "on" about 10% of the time. every teacher or adult that has ever interacted with him says he's an absolutely wonderful kid that gets along with almost anybody. Teachers all remember him. He had gone from AB student in 6th grade to C-D student in 7th grade and in the first quarter of 8th grade. We switched medications and he got straight A's in 2nd quarter. In third quarter, he was no longer interested in A's, was lazier, but still ended up with an A in math and the rest B's and C's. still good - would like to avoid C's especially when you know the kid is
capable. He is going to counseling, but my poor wife (works part time and interacts more then me with him everyday) takes the brunt of his arguments and defiant behavior and tirades. I try to be peacekeeper when I get home from work. However, to be honest, I work more hours so I don't have to be around for the chaos - yes I am not doing my job as a parent). He just does not listen to me, is vicious in his comments towards both me and my wife, and after multiple attempts at resolving things, I blow up. I need counseling on being a better parent.

so do I feel better today than in the last month - a little, at least I have had a few breaks here and there. I like my work and have had multiple recent successes, but don't have a permanent job - we'll see how next weeks performance review goes and if the boss has alternative ideas for my future. Less tension with my son because I've avoided him (no this is not right but I needed the break). progress toward being porn-free is rock solid after two straight weeks. and my wife continues to be someone I don't think I deserve, but I ended up with her and I know I am blessed. in the end, my mood is up to a C, but nothing tangible has changed so if I follow my cyclical pattern, I will be back down to D in a couple days. I will enjoy the brief break. :-<

jrock