jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

Day 6 of no p, no MB, no loopholes. Went to breakfast with my wife and dumped all my baggage on her, 100%...jobs, son, friend, and the last few weeks of addiction issues. Felt good. She was supportive and understanding and cried for me. I also talked to my dad who has gone through depression. That's the first real father son talk in 30 years. I saw a psychiatrist and am trying a new med. I have an appt. With a new therapist a couple weeks out. Of course none of this fixes anything. But it did relieve some pressure temporarily.

Jrock

[Desert Ghost]

Day 6 of no p, no MB, no loopholes. Went to breakfast with my wife and dumped all my baggage on her, 100%...jobs, son, friend, and the last few weeks of addiction issues. Felt good. She was supportive and understanding and cried for me. I also talked to my dad who has gone through depression. That's the first real father son talk in 30 years. I saw a psychiatrist and am trying a new med. I have an appt. With a new therapist a couple weeks out. Of course none of this fixes anything. But it did relieve some pressure temporarily.

Jrock

Just remember that this is a good start to your journey to sobriety. An yes it will be hard, but remember the old quote "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." So, hang in there and I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[hast]

jrock, I'm glad you have such a great relationship with your wife and that she can help you through all of this. Gives me hope in marriage.
Congrats on being back to day 6 and picking yourself right back up when you fell

[jrock123]

7 squeaky clean days!!

[jrock123]

10 squeaky clean days. the talks with my psychiatrist and my wife helped relieve some stress for me. I have an appointment with a new therapist next week. still down overall. I will get my 2009 annual performance review next week. my company doesn't allow surprise messages, so I am not worried about that. I will get a "Successful". what I am worried about is how my very recent performance (2010) will be assessed and if my boss has a place for me in the org after my current assignment. right now, I am out of a job in about 4-6 months.

we celebrated my 14 year old's birthday yesterday. that's all he did was express disappointment that he didn't get a "big" gift, that the night was uneventful. this now seems to happen every major gift giving day and it is tiring, especially for my wife who dedicates her life to preparing this guy for the real world.

I am now had a few exchanges with my so-called friend. I am so frustrated over this that it is now the no. 1 thing dominating my thoughts. 3 hours of sleep last night. I have done so many things for this person personally and professionally. in the past, she has told me I am her best friend and only friend. yet she has no interest in talking with me during her Medical Leave of Absence (for stress problems post heart complications). She avoids me, doesn't return texts and when I said I was disappointed at how fast she cut me out of her life and how much pain I was in, the response was simply "I don't want to be told how to spend my recovery time." I was so, so close to this person. I feel so deceived and rejected. To give you some idea as to how close we were, her husband was calling me to give updates during recent surgery. I am not nuts here. I did not imagine this friendship - it DID exist. I am sick to my stomach and losing sleep. and now I am expendable. I just can't get past the hurt.

[Desert Ghost]

jrock,

I hate to say it, but you need to focus on yourself and your needs. An if this "so called" friend wants to treat you this way, then I say good riddance to bad rubbish. I know this is kind of harsh, but you really do need to expend your energies on yourself and your SO. Otherwise you are not going to beat this on again - off again roller coaster of sobriety. Yes, I know you say that you put a lot of time and energy into the friendship. But, there comes a time when you have cut your losses even-though it hurts and is a real bummer. It's like you are trying to switch one addiction for another. Your life is complex enough without twisting yourself in knots over something that you have NO control over. >:D<

[little_wife]

Hugs to you jrock. We're rooting for you.

[Desert Ghost]

How have I responded to the pain of betrayal?

On some level, we all feel we have made some kind of contract with life or with others. When these things do not come through as we hoped, we feel a unique pain called betrayal. It happens to all of us in different ways. It is a belly punch that leaves us with a sense of futility and emptiness, personal hurt, and often anger.

In today’s Gospel (John 13:21-33, 36-38) it happens to Jesus from two of his own inner circle, both Judas and Peter. The more love and hope we have invested in another person, the deeper the pain of betrayal is. If it happens at a personal level, we wonder if we will ever trust again. Our heart does “break.” It is one of those crossroad moments, when the breaking can forever close you down, or sometimes just the opposite—open you up to an enlargement of heart and soul.

We all know that Jesus chose the second path, and this is the man we call “the sacred heart,” with his heart exposed and offered outside of his chest. It is a daring but necessary metaphor that invites and heals our own broken hearts.

Written during hermitage, Lent 2010

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

I have to agree with DG on this one. It seems like you are putting a lot of time and emotional energy into your friendship with this woman who you already admitted isn't always the best friend to you. Is your wife aware of how broken up you are about your friend? I don't think I would like it if my husband was so close to another woman that he was sick over losing her. But, your wife is a suprisingly accepting woman from what you have said and she handles a lot of things more gracefully than I do. :)

I hope you will be ok and that your counselling helps you.

[boris]

It's really painful when someone you are close to rejects you. I thought it revealing that she has stated that you are her only friend. There may be a reason for that. Sometimes caring and giving people such as yourself overlook and tolerate bad behavior from others because we see that they need a friend. I've done the same thing and also gotten burned. That doesn't mean I won't risk it again, if someone needs my friendship.

You can't control her feelings or actions. She's responsible and accountable for them. If she is so adamant in her rejection of your friendship, respect that and back away. Don't view it as a reflection on your value as a friend. Her lack of appreciation is a reflection on her, not you.

She sounds like she's going through her own stuff and may not be thinking clearly. It doesn't excuse her bad behavior. If it's out of character for her, she'll come around eventually. If not, then she's revealed her true character, and your job is done. Unfortunately, not all relationships are exactly 50/50, but once you've been use up, there's nothing left to give.

For the time being, keep your distance, stay out of her swing range. Focus on yourself and your family. Most of all, don't retaliate.

You sound like a really good person. Don't let other peoples' behavior change who you are.

We're here for you.
Boris