jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

101 days porn free. 3 days skating free. 1 day since last MB. i think my wife doesn't bring things up because she'd rather not know? 23 and DG - yes i will bring it up - I agree its the right thing to do.

I did have a talk with my wife 3 days ago that our intimacy had crept back towards non-existent and only when I bring it up. My wife then gets defensive saying things are better and makes me feel bad for bringing it up. I told her that it would be nice to feel that she wants me and is initiating. a few weeks ago, when I was initiating the day after we had intimacy, she said "really? we just did this yesterday and it was great." this is not the relationship I want - it is ho-hum boring. I think this is why have a renewed interest in MB. She has absolutely no sex drive. I am bored. she doesn't want to experiment, she doesn't want to try anything new. these are not reasons for me to make bad choices, I know. that is not what I am saying. if anyone has advice here, please let me know.

jrock

[dave42]

101 days?!?!? Fantastic!!!

Also, Jrock: A gold star for honesty! You are telling us you are bored, and you are sharing what you feel: so good for you! Tell us what it was, if you feel like it, that attracted you to your wife when you first were getting to know her. Also, I'd love to hear the story about how it felt (I love the details, again, only if you feel like it, of course!!!) when you first realized that she seemed interested in you--you know, that great feeling of, "oh, I hope, I hope, I hope she likes me, because I like her." I just looooove to hear stories of how couples met and fell in love. But, if I'm being too nosey, I hope you'll forgive me!

[little_wife]

101 days porn free. 3 days skating free. 1 day since last MB. i think my wife doesn't bring things up because she'd rather not know? 23 and DG - yes i will bring it up - I agree its the right thing to do.
I did have a talk with my wife 3 days ago that our intimacy had crept back towards non-existent and only when I bring it up. My wife then gets defensive saying things are better and makes me feel bad for bringing it up. I told her that it would be nice to feel that she wants me and is initiating. a few weeks ago, when I was initiating the day after we had intimacy, she said "really? we just did this yesterday and it was great." this is not the relationship I want - it is ho-hum boring. I think this is why have a renewed interest in MB. She has absolutely no sex drive. I am bored. she doesn't want to experiment, she doesn't want to try anything new. these are not reasons for me to make bad choices, I know. that is not what I am saying. if anyone has advice here, please let me know.
jrock

Hi jrock, :)
My husband has fussed at me for the very same reason. And oddly, I probably have about the same sex drive as him. He used to initiate constantly, even when he didn't really even want anything. There was no reason for me to initiate anything. When he backed off some, then I did start, and I still do.

this part about her having "absolutely no sex drive," doesn't make sense to me. Does she have a physical reason for not desiring sx? I know my drive has shut down when I was emotionally disconnecting from M. The more he wanted P, the less I wanted him. Women's emotions are much more connected to sx. I'm just guessing, but I think ALL people have a desire to connect, unless there is something phyically wrong. It sounds like something is going on, and backing away from the conversation isn't going to solve it. It might take numerous talks to get to the heart of why she seems to not need this connection, but it'll be worth it to both of you to not just drop it because it's uncomfortable.

Also, you say "this is not the relationship I want"; Your'e saying you want more from the relationship, but you still want to be in THIS relationship? Do things ever become perfect? This sounds like an area you're unhappy with, so you have to focus on it now. But later it will be something else. Please do not even consider going back to P, just because of this. This is my fear in my marriage, that M will turn back, just because something isn't perfect. I'd rather him accept that relationships have ups and downs, and that the P use always got in the way of it ever getting better when downs came. This dissatisfation you're feeling is a natural evolution of any relationship, it just reminds you of what you need to work on.
But for now, hang in there, and bless you,
little_wife

[jrock123]

little wife - my wife and i have been together 23 years and have 3 wonderful kids. I am not going anywhere away from all of this. in the first 2 months after being porn free, my wife and I were very "active" again. in the last month, its dropped off. she has clearly lost interest again. nothing is physically wrong with her. in the past she has stated she lost her sex drive. i have a female friend who has said the same thing and she's only been married 5 years. I desire my wife and there's no question she knows that I want her emotionally and physically. I feel like to her sex is an obligation. I do not feel desired by her. we can't seem to talk without her getting defensive. I think she is a prude. she used a "device" for the first time in her life in the last year and we are in our late 40's. I do know she doesn't use it unless we are together. my comment is that our sex life is boring and I do not feel desired. I have mb'd 2x in the last week which i had not done since i'd quit porn >100 days ago. I don't have an answer.

none of this will affect my old porn addiction. I will never go back to porn - period. life is too dang good without it.

i have learned from women on this website, that my views were skewed from porn back when I first joined. I had stated that it was always women getting tired of intimacy and that men always wanted it. I later learned that I have a limited view based on my experience. I don't know how others are and I certainly do not know if my situation is odd or not.

jrock

jrock.

[Desert Ghost]

jrock,

"my wife and i have been together 23 years and have 3 wonderful kids." I would like to ask a simple question, how is the courtship department between the two of you. I know for myself that I am have to work on the steps in the courtship area since I seem to be stuck at that point just before romance.

[jrock123]

103 days porn free. MBd 2x this week. was too drunk the last couple nights and skated both nights and this morning - back at day 0. had a good week of vacation at the beach mostly cause it was peaceful. I became more disconnected as the week went on until I was in my own world by end of the week. now I am low and feeling very alone. I am too tired to judge things right now and need a good night's sleep. cause of reasons below, feeling disconnected from my wife. I have a co-worker who has become a close friend (or so I thought) who has been out for medical reasons for 5 weeks now. she has always said she has no friends but me and she has admitted she is terrible keeping up with friends. I know she is going to end up leaving my company so I know I am going to lose her as a friend. in the last 5 weeks, I have one call from her. when I said Hi, she began crying about things not going so well. I calmed her down and then never heard from her again. she has only answered 1 of my texts and she knew I was going to be gone for this week. she has had a number of heart and family troubles in the last year and I have always been there for her. but I can't really think of a time when she was there for me. I know I won't see her again and that makes me very sad. why do friendships only work when they are convenient.
I could go on and on cause I feel like sh__. back to work on monday...

[Desert Ghost]

Here is something that I ran across and you should really think about the message.

Wolf Parable

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them,"A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too."


They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"


The old Grandpa simply replied, "The one you feed".


Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[jrock123]

DG - good stuff. I know I am feeling sorry for myself. I don't like this feeling and it happens all too frequently lately. Prior to being diagnosed with depression this happened all the time. once diagnosed and treated with meds, this feeling went away for the next 6-7 years but then came back when I had job troubles a couple years ago. when I don't have discipline to go to bed on time and exercise regularly and take care of myself, the low feelings I get are more frequent and prolonged which is essentially where I am at now. I literally get into a state of feeling where I can't take action to correct the situation. I feel helpless and powerless and needy and insecure. I usually suffer thru this for a day or two until I get extremely busy and forget. but the second I have idle time, it creeps back. and right now, this is hitting me hard. none of this is good for a porn addict as my weakness and vulnerability makes me gravitate to the edge. I think I need to get some professional help. My wife suggested this not too long ago.

jrock123

[Desert Ghost]

"I think I need to get some professional help. My wife suggested this not too long ago."

jrock,

Not to sound like a broken record, but it sounds like you really should get some professional help. It seems that your SO really cares about you but your depression is clouding your thinking processes. Please listen to her and find the professional help that you need. You will find that dealing with a professional will be hard at first but hang in and make sure that you choose a professional that you are comfortable with.=D>

[jrock123]

I need to start over. When u start looking for loopholes and ways around porn, it's over. Day 0. In the last few weeks, skating went from innocent bikini pictures to naked pictures and bounced around from 1x/week to a 5 day in a row streak to 3 days off, etc, etc. Then last week I decided to mb alone for the first time since I "quit" porn. I made it to 6 days before doing it again. I did it 2x and then Friday I discovered erotic stories, some with audio. That turned into 4 more times of mb'ing alone while reading or listening to stories (in a day and a half). Going forward, I will use 1 true indicator of success - a day without P and without MB and without skating and without erotica and without looking for a loophole = a successful day. I will send my wife weekly reports to her private email account.

Jrock