jrock123 journal day 0-5

[jrock123]

91 days P and MB free; 1 day skating free.

[Daniel]

Congratulations jrock!

That's a good long stretch!

And it sounds as though your life is much richer.

Daniel

[jrock123]

something odd is going on with me this week. as of today, i have been porn-free for 94 days and skating free for 4 days. i have not followed up on a single enticement that I saw on yahoo, msn, the academy awards pictures, etc., etc. I was able to successfully turn away and if there happened to be something racy I quickly changed the website or changed the TV channel. So from that aspect I would say a good week so far with 0 skating.

however, I fantasized about a woman I work with this week- no MB. I later did a quick search on erotica (no pictures, just stories) the next 2 evenings imagining a situation with this woman. I spent about 30 minutes reading each night and was able to walk away after that although my urges went way up to MB. I went to bed, woke up the next day, and now I had impure thoughts running through my head. I stopped the thoughts. I had urges to MB that now wouldn't go away. about an hour later (without these thoughts in my mind), my wife and I engaged in MB. none of the erotic thoughts entered my mind during this. I did not think this was a fair situation for my wife, but I absolutely was not imagining anything else other than being with my wife. i realize erotica is a no-no for a porn addict. i stayed away for the next day. then this morning, I had an urge to MB alone, which I did for the first time since I have been porn-free. no images or stories were in my head at the time.

so now I am evaluating my situation and here is where I am at: I am still 100% porn free and simply have no urge to look at it any longer - I have never been tempted since I quit. while I have had chronic intermittent issues with skating, I never MB'd to it and never felt the urge. but it is a no-no for a PA so I committed to stopping the other day and am now reporting those days of success thru TTF. Lastly, I made it to 94 days with no MB (alone).

Did I fail? It depends. If MB is a once in awhile thing and is pure (no impure images, no skating, nor porn, nothing specific in my mind), then I can live with that. If I now start MBing on a regular basis (few times/week), then I failed.

I know I am in tricky waters here but I personally think MBing is okay in the right context. I have been able to completely separate P and MB. Only time will tell if I put myself in a vulnerable situation that leads to bad habits. If I did, then I failed. I need more time to make a decision here.

and I clearly have to stop thinking about this other woman. flat wrong./:)

[jrock123]

97 days porn free, 7 days skating free, 3 days since last mb. I definitely worked too many hours and spent about 5 hours alone nightly after the family was in bed in front of the computer. Not exactly a good setup for success, but came thru with no porn temptation. I was very weak and vulnerable, and not skating was very difficult as I was continually tempted.

Jrock

[Benedict]

Only on my 11th day, this attempt. But have started skating again. So far turned away in time.Can you tell me more about how you cut out skating? Do you have any specific strategies or tips? Read your early posts and questions about MB and P. My goal is PF, not MF, and I think MB and even fantasising are natural. But I have realized the connection between MB and P, and that each was fueling the other in a feedback cycle. In the two stretches that I have been PF for more than 10 days recently, I found the frequency of MB dropped off hugely. And I have been able to make it something shared with SO more, rather than hidden and solo.

[jrock123]

98 days porn free, failed after 7 days skating free so back at 0, 4 days since last mb. I have felt so compelled in the last day to view tempting pictures and have felt a serious urge to MB. It has been on my mind constantly. This is becoming way too much of a fight. I honestly feel a loss of control. My plan is as follows: share the skating problem with my wife, share that I MB'd alone for the first time since I've been porn-free, go to bed when my wife does (this initially cut 18-20 hours per week of free porn time when I started this effort), and get the hell off the computer - its all I do anymore!!!!! we are going on a family vacation for the week so I won't have much opportunity to be tempted (although i've always found a way in the past). Need a major reset.

Jrock

PS - sorry Benedict- I am not a role model for being skating free - I keep failing....

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

I read what you said about skating. It seems (in my un-expert opinion) that you have replaced P with non-P browsing. So, you can say, I am being true, I am not looking at P and MB. But, you are still objectifying women and using the skating to satisfy, to a lesser extent, what you used to use P to satisfy. Kind of like the smoker who starts snacking when they quit smoking. But, you know, because you are telling us, that you have a problem here. Its not easy to give up what you like, obviously! You have come far in a small amount of time. Don't give up!

[jrock123]

completely agree WONLM. its the late work hours that are giving me the extra time and lack of sleep that are making me weak and more vulnerable. most days i am good but i've skated from 0-5 and mostly 2 times per week since the first 7-8 weeks of being porn free.

overall my willpower to not MB is fairly good. i've had extreme urges and been seriously tempted to MB 2 times in the last 3 days but have stopped.

overall i've been low, sleep deprived and insecure and needy in the last few weeks. so i have felt very alone. lots of reasons to make a mistake. on vacation with family this week, and planning a reset for my return to civilization.

hanging in there.

i still hate bringing this stuff up to my wife as it never seems like a good time given the craziness of life with 3 kids. i just keep hoping she will ask me how i am doing with all of this, which she has not since our big talk. I actually want her to be checking in with me.

jrock

jim

[Desert Ghost]

jrock, there is never a good time to deal with the P or MB but your statement "i still hate bringing this stuff up to my wife as it never seems like a good time given the craziness of life with 3 kids. i just keep hoping she will ask me how i am doing with all of this, which she has not since our big talk. I actually want her to be checking in with me."

Hey don't wait on her to bring it up "just man up" and give her a daily or weekly report on how your are doing. Because if you keep going the way you are, you will wind up driving yourself insane wondering when will she open the door so that we can talk about the progress or lack of progress in your recovery. An if you wait to long then thing could get even crazier then having three kids./:)

[Twentythree]

i agree. not only will it probably ease her mind, but it will help you keep it in the forefront of your mind (and exactly what is at stake if you somehow stray). but congrats on so long without P! i wish you all the best, sounds like you're completely on track.