jrock123 journal day 0-5

[Vorlan]

Thanks for your honesty Jrock it's really really eye-opening to see how severely PA can blind you to your wife.

This is a massive step forward and a massive reason to stay clean, nothing you've every got from P can match what you have with your wife. Protect it!

Best wishes,

Ben

[jrock123]

continuing to make progress. ups and mostly downs emotionally about stuff other than porn & MB - of course these things generate weak moments and occasional skating (~1x/week). still a few bugs to work out as a PA, but progress is positive and nothing within the stratosphere of a near slip up. I don't even have the desire to MB alone anymore - this amazes me. While I don't condone the skating and need to stop completely, even this doesn't bring me close to a slip up or a desire to look at porn:). Thanks again to the folks on TTF as a huge contributor and inspiration to my new life. Thanks to all of you!!

[Vorlan]

That's amazing Jrock! ^:)^

84 days! Keep it up man!

Best wishes,

Ben

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

Even though I don't always like to know things, it still helps to get other people's points of view. I am glad you have a renewed interest in your wife, and I am sure she appreciates it too!

When I read your journal, I think of you as a quitter, and not a tryer. I know you have a ways to go and you will always be an addict, but you have come a long way from your first days on here and you seem sincere. Since a lot of tryers are on here, and not just quitters, I hope they read your journal too. Your renewed intimacy with your wife may help the tryers see how blind P makes them. Maybe they will read your journal and have hope that if they get clean, they too can see what a normal relationship and sx life with someone they love can be like.

So, again thanks for your entries and congrats on your amazing progress. Isn't it amazing how many people are on here rooting each other on? I am personally interested in you and the success of your marriage. I know other people feel the same about me and my husband. TTF is an amazing place for people who work it!

[Life-lies-trust]

I know you are hurt by what your husbands might be thinking, but please know they are incapable of an honest, objective opinion.

Jrock123 I think you have hit on the problem that the non addictive person trying to understand the addict's mind and it is not logical or rational. This is the really rough part to accept from me as an SO. I'm not highly emotional but because of training I am a rational logical person who need facts and evidence to accuse or to forgive someone. So this process will take longer for me than it does for him in the beginning. The lack of honesty from someone you love and trust is a large pill to have to take. In the face of believing that the PA is an honest person the hurt to the SO's goes very deep.
Thank you for your words and honesty.

[jrock123]

a good week in ways and a horrible week in others..... My wife and I continue to have a great relationship in many ways....romance, intimacy, fun, and just being together. I took the day off work, so the two of us could have a special day without the craziness of our 3 kids. we had a wonderful time.

on the other hand, this was the worst skating week I have had since I quit porn and MB 90 days ago. today was the fifth day in a row, searching for images on the web that while not pornographic in nature, are absolute no-no's for porn addicts. I am tempting myself way too much. so I will now be reporting out days free of P/MB and skating. I am at 90 and ZERO today.

sorry if I let folks down. I let myself down. Its wrong and I obviously have a longer way to go than I thought.:(

[Benedict]

I was skating tonight also. And stopped just in time. I know how hard it is. Keep strong.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

Good for you for figuring out you are skating.... you know where it leads. Have you talked to your wife about this? Do you think that the "skating" is a reward for your otherwise good behavior? Maybe if you figure out why you are skating you will decide how to stop it.

Keep up the good work being P free. You know people are in your corner here.

[jrock123]

WONLM - Thanks for the reply. I will tell my wife today. I promised I would be honest with her and I need her help. I am hoping this will energize me to get better.

jrock

[Desert Ghost]

now when i look at her, i am totally turned on and cannot wait to get my hands on her!!! i think she is hot as hell!!!! i like when she is naked. i love looking at her.

jrock I meant to post to this earlier, I have to agree with your statement. I have the same thoughts about my wife. An at times I catch myself fantasizing about her. An then I could kick myself for all the years that I hurt her with the P and MB addiction. But, I am grateful that she has stayed and is now standing by me while I fight to overcome this.