Starting my journal

[Newlifeman]

Well, I have been posting in the newcomers area for a couple weeks now, decided to start a journal to aid in my recovery. I certainly did not start out with an addiction to PA, but this certaily grew into one. A little background, my wife caught me looking at porn years ago...I told her I would quit...but went right back to it and also joined other websites, chatted and mb with other people which I should have realized was a form of cheating as well. Part of me wanted to stop....but not enough to really stop and so I kept on, lying and hiding this for years.

At this point I have joined a recovery group at church and thrown myself into learning the bible and exploring my faith. I pray this will take me down a better path because I do not like the PA part of the old one. I CHOSE PA, MB, online chatting, over my wife and family! I have been a good husband, father, provider, I cook, clean, do my part with the kids, etc., and never, never would I have dreamed that I would also be a perverted, sinful man that would choose this over my family! Never!

But I did....

I can not go back and fix it, done is done. I can only look to the future and make it better. That will not be easy either. My wife was wondering if I was taking all these steps just because she caught me! I think the answer is a partial yes, and a partial no.
We have reached the point that she has decided that we will divorce. It pains me mightily and I struggle with what this means for the immediate future and my relationship with my children. Out loud we discuss how we will work out our living arrangements over the next few years (it's complicated), but in my head I am screaming: Take me back, Take me back! I don't think that is going to happen, it is just how I feel.

I am sad now when I play with my kids, I will still have access to them and be a part of their life....but it will not be the same. And, one day, I will have to explain to them why we divorced!

My recovery just got a bit more difficult than before, or did it? I admit, thoughts went through my head....if we are not married anymore, does it matter if I try to beat this anymore? It would be so easy to say no, stop trying, and go back to what I was doing before. Not only that, but there is the PA crooning to me...saying come back, lets do this again, just like old times! The pull was there today and it is seductive.

That is why I am here in the journal now! One of the steps in my recovery program was to write down what I have power over.(control) One of the answers is that I have the power to Choose! To choose not to go back to PA and its destructive behaviors, to choose not to give in, to choose a future without it, and to choose to dedicate the time, effort, and emotion that it stole from me to my family. Yes, we are divorcing and it sucks, but this will always be my family.....and I choose them. I can't wait for church service tomorrow and recovery group on Monday....they give me strength! Even my SO, who is heartbroken, heartsick, and angry is still compassionate, and encouraging. IF SHE can do that right now, then I can certainly choose continue learning to recover and develp healthy relationships that will benefit myself and my family in the future!

[Mefree]

Very true.
You can do it. At the very least, now you know this is your choice. You want to beat this. You choose to benefit your family. It is your battle and you're taking responsibility. A great start.

Best of luck! Keep your mind on what matters. Know what is more important than P. You can win.

Best wishes.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

To my husband,

I am glad you started a journal. Maybe now I will know what's on your mind.

I am also glad you said no to P yesterday. It hurts to know how bad you want it, but at least you stopped. It proves to me that you can control yourself, but only if you want to.

I want you to make better choices and become capable of healthy and honest relationships in the future.

[cyberpunk]

My wife was wondering if I was taking all these steps just because she caught me! I think the answer is a partial yes, and a partial no.

How true that is for most of us. I have read that recovery really begins when the pain of continuing our addiction is greater than the pain of recovery. Also, no matter how much you love your wife, you must do this for yourself. While you have hurt your wife immensely and deeply you have hurt yourself more. You are robbing yourself of your family, your self respect and your integrity and if you think you can't possibly go any lower, well, you can.

I don't mean this to be harsh and I am sorry if it sounds that way. What I am trying to say is that you need to love yourself and do this for yourself.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

-Peter "Dale" Wimbrow, 1934

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

cyberpunk-

I have also told my husband he needs to do this for himself ultimately, or else he will fail. At the end of this journey, my husband will be the one who has to live with himself. I think he is realizing now that this journey has to be for himself and not just because it upset me. Of course I am sad at what this has done to me, but I am also sad at what he has done to himself.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Newlifeman]

Today was a busy day, SO and I had to spend alot of time being bounced around to different offices so I could get my retirement from the military completed. Very frsutrating! Alot of stress for both of us on top of everything else. I did not feel the urge for PA today, even with all the stress. I did question my committment some last night, just had doubts about myself, about my ability to continue being honest with myself and those around me. My SO gave me some perspective that I needed (even if I really didn't want to hear it) and some encouragement. Thanks for that.

Support group meeting was last night as well, struggled with my answers to some of the questions I had to answer about myself. I imagine that is normal, but it is difficult to reconcile everything right now. I am hoping that as time goes on, some of this becomes easier.

[Newlifeman]

It has been a few days since posting, have been busy, however, I think I was just avoiding again. The week has been up and down with alot of emotions running the gamut, bad, good, shame, denial, avoidance, procrastination, just to name a few. I had a discussion with my SO and came to realize that my triggers seem to be when I am bored, horny, and alone.

I also have discovered that would rationalize my way to my PA. In short, I would use a thought process to create an artificial excuse to justify my behavior. For example, because possible feeling are involved when asking my SO to be intimate with me, I would rationalize that " she is probably tired and will not want to, or I would be bothering here." None of this was true, I would create it out of thin air to ENABLE my PA.

I also realized recently that this does not just apply to my PA, but to other areas of my life as well. Rather than deal with my emotions or situations, I rationalize an excuse and avoid the situation all together.

Now that I know this, I am going to try to catch it when it happens and attempt to modify my behavior on the spot! It may be just going through the motions to start with, but with practice I believe it will lead me into changed habits, ie, changed behavior. The same will apply with my boredom, being alone, etc. My plan is to self correct, remind myself what is important, or more important (such as my family) and tell myself to do what is right or necessary. In this, my plan is to ENABLE a self-correcting behavior that will become my future normal.

[fishingbackwards]

NLM,
I applaud your insight. When I caught my H in "the act" his immediate response was, "I couldn't sleep!". At a later time I responded with, "Some people read a book". I have also heard from him the complaint that he missed coming to bed with me because I went to bed earlier that he did. So he stayed up late at night and used P. Another time he made a point of telling me that he was up at night with P because I was "inaccessible". I didn't at the time but I wish I had responded with, "I'd be accessible if you were not an a**hole". One time in particular I believe he used P and told me about it because he was angry with me and he knew his admission would hurt me. But often times he did create the issues out of "thin air" in order to rationalize what he wanted to do anyway.

So now I have made myself" inaccessible" and he is going to have to regain my respect and trust. I hope he is well rested because it is not going to be easy and at this point there may be nothing he can do to fix what has been broken.

I send well wishes to you and your wife.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

to my husband-



We did talk about your triggers, and what you listed is what I said, not what you said. I only said it because you haven't come up with anything. Don't feel the need to just agree with me. You know I hate it when you do that! But if its true, ok.

Thank you for posting and for trying. I know its going to be a long road. This is a step.

[Newlifeman]

My support group is canceled for tonight, so it will be til Friday before I see the recovery group. I am not really nervous about missing the meeting, however in my mind I am, simply because since making the decision to stop this behavior, much of my life has been very structured. Recovery group 2 nights a week, bible study one night a week, church on Sunday. This has been good, there is no indecision, I know what must be done when. So now my mind is running....but not in a bad way, just a small nag about how I should fill the time without the structure to guide me. For the moment, spend some time with family, read the bible, and see what else needs to be done around the house. And pray. I don't do it enough and have to remind myself to do so at times.

Lastly, but perhaps more important, this is not just affecting me, my SO is hurting because of me and needs support and prayers as much if not more than myself.

Thanks to all for your support.