Starting my journal

[Newlifeman]

Does anyone else see additional addictive or compulsive behaviors in themselves other than PA? I think I have it with food as well. Looking back over the years, when I was home alone or had the opportunity on the way to work, etc, I would eat a whole bunch of food! Sometimes literally stuff my face! I am not supposed to eat this way, and this pre-dates my knowledge of my diabetes which makes it even more important that I eat well. If I was home alone, I would eat 2 bowls of sugar cereal, p-nut butter toast, glass of milk, etc.

I would sometimes eat breakfast at home and then grab burger king on the way to work. I certainly was not hungry...but I wanted to do it....was hiding it. Sometimes I would eat, feel that sense of, "I just did something I am not supposed to and noboby knows!" feeling. I am pretty sure I have more than one compulsive behavior. I think for us guys, we want to compartmentalize these problems into one neat little package and try to deal with it that way. I don't think that is possible, my entire life is affected! It is going to take a major change to my ENTIRE life and ALL of my habits and ways of thinking. This is not a comfortable thing to do as it requires becoming completely vulnerable, putting myself out there when all I want to do is curl up and pretend everthing is good and move on with life.

Anyone else seeing similiar additional behaviors?

[cyberpunk]

absolutely I have and I also see it in my entire family. I struggle with overeating, rage, tv, sports etc.

[Newlifeman]

Christmas is over and it was a bit difficult for me. I know this was the last one as a family together. We spent some time with my brother in-law who know of my PA situation. I tried to make the best of it, but, maybe I could have tried harder?

I am really tired of the roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy and really excited about my new relationship with god and then I hit a low when thinking about our impending divorce. I don't blame my SO AT ALL for her decision to leave! That does not take away the sting, especially when I know it is my fault!

I really cannot see my future without he and the kids...too little too late though.

Ok, enough of that! I had a recovery group meeting last night along with good prayers! I am seriously considering being baptized sometime in the near future. I really like the new me that my relationship with god is creating! There is still along way to go, but it is such a great feeling!

Regardless of what comes my way over the next few months I am going to stay on this new path, continue with this new life, and be the kind of man by father can be proud of.....my flesh and blood father and the holy father.

I am sure there will be more rough days to come...but it is time to focus on the positive, because now there are more important things in my life...my children, my SO, the new me. I am thankful that I can see this now and have the opportunity to do something about it. I will be praying for everyone..PA's and SO's alike that we can all have a successful recovery and a new life!

[shockm35]

Newlifeman, I just came back to TTF and have just now read your journal. I am touched by your story and wish you nothing but the best. I share your sentiment at being the type of man your kids can look up to... nothing like having walking and talking motivation with you. I have no words of wisdom at this point... I struggle myself. But I take it one day at a time.. with each day being a victory and something to be proud of. What you are going thru is hard... a degree of difficulty that few can understand. Take time to pat yourself on the back.

[Benedict]

Does anyone else see additional addictive or compulsive behaviors in themselves other than PA?

Yes. I said in my journal yesterday that in the last three weeks PF I have been compulsively web surfing ( non-P) and TV watching. Compulsive overeating to deal with depression has been a long-term behaviour. In the last couple of years, as PA has intensified and I have been feeling bad about myself, I have taken to a very late night post-P snack and several glasses of whisky. These and the PA all stem from same fundamental urge to self-medicate to block feelings.

Like you I am coming to realize that "It is going to take a major change to my ENTIRE life and ALL of my habits and ways of thinking. "

I am really feeling for you with the divorce situation. Hang in there, things WILL get better. I have also gone through a very unhappy divorce (not to do with PA) and made the whole situation much worse by acting out a lot of anger and righteous indignation (in hindsight not justified). In my case, I and my ex both got caught up in endless battles about child access and petty property issues which ended up making the whole situation very much worse for the kids. Hopefully thats not relevant in your case, and I think you have resources (church etc) that I did not, to help you deal with the inevitable sadness, grief and loneliness.

[Benedict]

Did not mean to end that last post on such a negative note. While sadness etc will be an inevitable part of the transition, things will get better. They did for me, and most others I know who have been in this situation. Particularly if you have support and are learning from the past and changing. Which you are.

[Newlifeman]

I managed to catch the last few minutes of the Super Bowl after watching Dora the explorer and Max and Ruby most of the night! I have not posted for some time, have been busy with a new job which has me working nightshift and sleeping during the day. My SO posts here frequently and she has become a good friend to some and provided alot of insight and support to others. I was a little uncomfortable with this for awhile, but over time have changed my outlook. This is a place where she is having a very positive impact on people's lives. By gods grace, something good has come of this mess I created. I am thankful for everyone here and hope everyone who comes here finds the help and healing they need.

I have been sober since Dec and this week has been another test as my SO was out of town to visit family. This is the first time since my online infedility came to light. I was worried as this is when I would feel free to be online, etc, without worry of being caught. So far, all has been well as I have remained focused on my new life. New job, new focus on my relationship with Jesus, continued work with my local recovery support group, and some individual counseling.

The next few months will be difficult as well, my SO will move to Japan ahead of me for several months. There will be alot of stress for both of us. I am learning to deal with my issues in positive ways and re-train my thought processes and outlook on life. I have turned the corner, but have some distance to go yet. I do not know what the future holds for my marriage, but have decided that I will make every effort to renew it. This will be a daunting challenge, but it is worth it! Even if, in the end it does not work, I will know I did everything possible to gain the trust, faith, and respect of my SO again. This is important to me...it was not for many years and as such, will take more than a few words or recent actions to have much impact. I am in this for the long haul, the rest of my life is at stake here, not only my marriage! For those with PA who read this, I hope this hits home. There are no half measures, you must decide a life without PA/SA, infidelity (be honest, thats what this is too) is more important, no...THE most important thing in your life. Once this decision is honestly make, only then can you truly begin the long road of healing and life change. I hope and pray for all of you!

[Newlifeman]

I managed to catch the last few minutes of the Super Bowl after watching Dora the explorer and Max and Ruby most of the night! I have not posted for some time, have been busy with a new job which has me working nightshift and sleeping during the day. My SO posts here frequently and she has become a good friend to some and provided alot of insight and support to others. I was a little uncomfortable with this for awhile, but over time have changed my outlook. This is a place where she is having a very positive impact on people's lives. By gods grace, something good has come of this mess I created. I am thankful for everyone here and hope everyone who comes here finds the help and healing they need.

I have been sober since Dec and this week has been another test as my SO was out of town to visit family. This is the first time since my online infedility came to light. I was worried as this is when I would feel free to be online, etc, without worry of being caught. So far, all has been well as I have remained focused on my new life. New job, new focus on my relationship with Jesus, continued work with my local recovery support group, and some individual counseling.

The next few months will be difficult as well, my SO will move to Japan ahead of me for several months. There will be alot of stress for both of us. I am learning to deal with my issues in positive ways and re-train my thought processes and outlook on life. I have turned the corner, but have some distance to go yet. I do not know what the future holds for my marriage, but have decided that I will make every effort to renew it. This will be a daunting challenge, but it is worth it! Even if, in the end it does not work, I will know I did everything possible to gain the trust, faith, and respect of my SO again. This is important to me...it was not for many years and as such, will take more than a few words or recent actions to have much impact. I am in this for the long haul, the rest of my life is at stake here, not only my marriage! For those with PA who read this, I hope this hits home. There are no half measures, you must decide a life without PA/SA, infidelity (be honest, thats what this is too) is more important, no...THE most important thing in your life. Once this decision is honestly make, only then can you truly begin the long road of healing and life change. I hope and pray for all of you!

[Mefree]

Newlifeman! I was thinking about you today. We haven't heard from you in a while, but it looks like things are looking up for you.

From my own experience, your SO has helped me more than I could admit. You should be proud.
And you should also be proud of your own progress! Heck, I'm proud for you! You've made life changes and are a better person for it. Let me just say congratulations.

That was an inspiring post you just made. I will keep it in mind.
Keep up the good fight. Your progress is heartwarming.

[Newlifeman]

MeFree,

Thanks for stopping by! I am very proud of my SO and all that she is doing here! I don't praise often enough, something else I am working on in my life. My CR group leader pointed out that we go through recovery to be whole and walk upright again, and when we get there, we reach out to others and help them do the same. I still have some way to go, but think it is time to stop wallowing in my shame and self pity and begin lending a hand to others. I hope that we all can the same, especially for the SO's here that need all the support we can give.

Thanks again/.