Benedict's plan and journal

[Benedict]

I joined a few days ago, and introduced myself in the new member forum. Won’t repeat that, at least in this post, but will just outline my plan for going PF. Have had many previous plans, none lasted more than a few days. Now on day 5 with this one, and its more focused and simple. But more importantly I feel that I am serious this time, and previous times I think I always knew I would return to P soon.

My plan is
(1) Total abstinence from looking for porn or trigger images on internet or TV. Started 22 Nov midday.

(2) Write daily in journal. This will be paper journal I am already keeping. But I will post in this online journal fairly regularly too. And commit to report here any lapses or problems.

(3) Destroy the stash. Have started to do this with the stuff at home gone. But most of it is offsite and I have to get to it. “Offsite” is a relic of a previous plan, but one where I could not bring myself to trash the stash.

(4) DO NOT substitute other addictions or methods of blocking out feelings. Limit alcohol to a maximum of three drinks per day. And cut back to a max of 2 after 30 days PF.

(5) Be in bed with lights out by 12.30 am. And have alarm set for 7.15 am. If I can’t sleep, get up and meditate not go to computer.

(6) Take one day at a time

(7) Vow> I vow to be here-now and not look away by using porn today

(8) Affirmation (use as needed)> I am entirely responsible for cutting through my own laziness and addictions. There is nothing to wait for and no-one to blame.

(9) When I am alone, or low, or late at night, I will work (on 2 major work projects that I want to put extra time into, plus a private project that has gone nowhere in the last year because of PA) and also read, that pile of great books I have not got into. If SO still awake, will talk to her more.

Now day 5, thats further than I have ever got in my at least 20 attempts to go PF in the last 4 years. But I came close to relapsing last night. The craving is starting again. But this time I am more aware. And I have committed to record it here if I relapse.

Its sneaky though. Driving home today I saw a pretty girl walking along the footpath. Immediately started to think about images I could find, and how I would feel. But I saw the trigger in action. At the same time as thinking I would not act on it, I felt grief that I would not have the experience of seeing those images.

Tonight SO is out. But no urge to get on the web looking for those images, as would have been the case any previous evening I was home on my own.

[Benedict]

Now 7 days without P. The longest I have been free of P in the last four years. Before that, there were week long stretches where I was had no access to internet or other sources and was PF by necessity. Though the last of those occasions was marked by excessive almost constant fantasizing about what I would do when I got back to the nearest big city -- and then I acted out some of that fantasy later.

But this weekend has been hard. SO away, and my mind constantly turned to thoughts of the stimulation I could give myself. And little voices saying its not such a big deal, I am horny, I deserve a little fun and it won-t hurt anyone. In the past I would have just acted on this without a second thought. But now I am having second thoughts. I realize if I relapse I am right back where I was before, spending many hours in trancelike states, not getting important things done in my life, and shortchanging my family by being tired and irritable. So far I have not relapsed, but came close. Was on this computer an hour ago and a little voice kept saying why not have a little fun, do a google search, look at some pictures and then stop. But I know I would not stop once I started.

But the really upsetting thing is I am starting to realize that the P was only a symptom. This weekend instead of P I mindlessly watched TV shows and movies, and procrastinated on some stuff that will get me into trouble if I don-t do it. And drank too much vodka and ate a box of chocolates.

And then I had an insight. When I was younger I spent quite a bit of time depressed, doing nothing. But when I was not depressed I set unrealistic goals and loaded myself up with tasks and projects. I eventually realized that one of the biggest triggers for my depression was that I could use it as an excuse to ignore my todo list.

And P has been filling the same need in more recent years. When I am in a good mood I set a whole lot of goals to get stuff done, and then I procrastinate by using P. I somehow need to lighten up and enjoy things more.

Anyway, its late, so I will post this and hopefully get to sleep without the urges becoming too hard to resist.

[Benedict]

Did not feel like going to sleep last night and ignored my recovery plan by staying up very late watching two movies. Fine movies, but the second had 2 nude scenes. Did not trigger a search for soft-P on the TV the way it would have only a couple of weeks ago. But I went to bed and MB mainly thinking of SO who I miss. I don't count this as a relapse. I am not trying to give up MB only the porn addiction and its obsessive secret behaviours that waste time, tire me out, and I increasingly realize are affecting my relationship.

I read with interest the various debates on this site about whether PA and MB are both problems, and whether one should try to be "clean" from both. And I respect the range of views, but I don-t think MB is intrinsically bad or unhealthy, only the use of MB as an addictive block to being here-now and in touch with current feelings and with sig others.

IMO, if I can truly change the PA habit and get free of it, there would be no reason not to enjoy erotic stimulation in the open and with partner or not as long as it was truly just about that. A bit like icecream. Fine to enjoy in small amts occasionally as long as eating it does not become an addiction addressing entirely different problems (or not addressing them). But I could be wrong. Hard to know whether my thinking has been distorted by years of PA. Quite possible and I need to stay open to that. I guess by really paying attention to what is going on internally, and particularly alert to signs of triggering obsessive or trancelike behaviours, or even just avoidable activities, it should be possible to get an insight into these questions.

So its day 9. Further than I have achieved in a long time, years in fact. Its been easier than I thought, though there have been some difficult times, where I almost slipped back into old habits. But I am hoping the force of habit is diminishing with time.

[cyberpunk]

Benedict,

First of all congratulations on 9 days. I think that the first few weeks are the hardest part of the addiction and I respect your strength in getting this far. I have a couple of pieces of advice that I have had to learn over the years.

I think it is important to know the difference between a plan and a resolution. A resolution, or any goal in general, gives us a vision of what we want to accomplish. A plan gives us a roadmap for accomplishing that vision. If you have a personal project that you've been meaning to get to, well, how many hours a week do you need to put to it, when are you going to put in those hours and what steps are you going to take to make sure you put in those hours.

Relating to plans, I've also began to appreciate the word "diligence" over the last couple of years. I have personally made thousand of goals, resolutions and plans, all to no avail. I then realized that I was failing at my goals because I wasn't being diligent. Everyday I need to focus on following my plan for that day. I have found that as I am diligent in doing the small things daily, the big things seem to take care of themselves.

In terms of P vs MB, you ultimately have to make this decision, but keep an open mind. The question I would like to ask you is; are you willing to give up MB if it means freedom from P? Only can answer that question. Good luck to you, you are doing great!

[Daniel]

Benedict,

Welcome to TTF and nice work getting your journal started, getting the thoughts out there, and beginning the slow-but-well-worth-it process of getting clean.

I saw your question about what amounts to balance in terms of triggers, (N on TV shows), MB, etc.

It's up to each individual to determine where their boundaries are, what they can take/not take and suffer/not suffer relapse.

I would lean to the far side of conservative in these early days to try to ensure the best chances for early success, as you're building up a good conscience and some clear thinking with every additional day free.

Good luck and keep up the good work!,

Daniel

[Benedict]

SO is away and have been without sex for nearly a week. Finding it hard to stay clean, and starting to obsess. In the past I would have gone to the computer and ended up spending at least an hour a day there. Not this time so far, but last night after struggling to resist the urge to go to the TV or the web, I went to bed with a book of erotic short stories. Read some then MB.

I guess I had defined my goal as staying free of use of visual images (mainly internet, TV, but also DVDs and mags), not to give up MB or reading. But I came close last night to similar behaviour. Was this a relapse?

[cyberpunk]

That's for you to decide. For me it would have been a relapse but I didn't always believe that. I've made my rules a lot more strict because I felt like I was never making any headway against my addiction. I was going 6 weeks without P but I couldn't go a day without mb. Eventually, every 6 weeks or so, I would relapse on the P issue. I decided that my addiction wasn't just P but to mb and lust in general.

It has been much more difficult and I haven't been able to get more than a couple of days free of mb but I feel like I am truly facing the addiction rather than just a symptom of the addiction and I have hope that I can become sober.

[Benedict]

Cyberpunk and Daniel, yes I think you are both right. I was using the written word in much the same way as the visual image. So its back to day 1 today. And I need to clarify and tighten the rules. So my plan now involves

(1) No solo use of written, auditory or visual material for obsessive seeking of sexual excitement or trancelike states.

(2) In bed by 12.30 am and lights out by 12.45 except in exceptional circumstances (like a night out with SO). If I can't sleep, get up and meditate but don-t read or work.

(3) One small protein snack before bed, no compulsive snacking on biscuits, sweets etc. No coffee after 3 pm.

(4) Maximum of 3 alcoholic drinks per day. Review and reduce in a couple of weeks.

(5) Reward myself by using some of my extra time for fun activities and relaxation and some to get those small daily tasks out of the way.

[Daniel]

Sounds like a really good adjustment to your plan Benedict.

Your earlier question turns not on the medium you used (stories on paper) so much as the end result. If it took you to the same place mentally where you've been before then.... you fill in the blank.

Mindset Mindset Mindset.

And rewards are a great idea.

Daniel

[Benedict]

Total relapse last night. During the day I had recurring thoughts about sex and about indulging myself, but managed to ignore them. SO returned in the evening after a weeks absence, but was very tired and cross with me. I felt rejected, and got depressed. In that state, I started to rationalize that I just needed to MB and relieve the depression (!) and the need for sex. So watched some late night TV, did a little channel surfing, and then of course, decided why not go look on the web for some more exciting movies.

And that was it, 5 minutes turned into an hour. And I was right back to square one. I felt really bad about myself. Apart from the relapse itself, I did not do the work I had planned for the evening, and wasted my time. And I just ignored my plan and strategies.
Including having an extra whisky and eating some snacks.

Feelings of rejection is a major issue for me, I’ve known that for years now and made little progress in letting go of them. But its clear they are a major trigger for me. Have to somehow find a way to deal better with such feelings and not react to them.

The other factor is a belief that I need a lots of sex. I now know that this is a common belief among PAs (from reading Carnes) and that it is (probably) a false belief. Though deep down I have not let go of this belief and in fact think that while its probably a false belief for lots of people, its really true for me. And the argument goes like this> there must certainly be differences in libido among people, so some people do have a stronger libido than others. I am one of them. Of course, I know that the innate libido level is almost certainly modified by neuroses, belief patterns, SA, PA, MB etc. And am beginning to think (for the first time) that perhaps my level is not intrinsic but has been amplified by (1) learning to use MB and PA to self-medicate against depression, and feelings of rejection, and (2) years of MB and PA per se amplifying the obsessive focus on these.

And the last 12 days, of which 9 clean, have not been wasted. That was longer than I have ever gone in the last 4 years. In itself, it changed my thinking about my addiction. And I had lots of extra time during that 12 days in which I did other things.

I am determined not to relapse this time, and to learn strategies to deal with feelings of depression and rejection, but even if I do relapse in future (I vow not to) I will still be much better off and doing many more things I want to do instead of wasting my time in activities I hide and am ashamed of.

So having felt really negative about myself and writing all this, I have ended up feeling positive. Not a wasted effort, just the beginning.