Benedict's plan and journal

[Benedict]

WoNLM, you have hit the nail on the head. I have not really been committed to quitting over the last few weeks AND I have not been implementing my plan when triggers arise. I’ve been copping out by saying to myself, ok I relapsed so I might as well indulge a bit before I make the next effort to quit, or even, well why not relapse again now and get it out of the way before I really quit. But at the same time, mostly after a relapse, I also know very clearly I really want and need to quit. Why do I want to quit?

1.It is wasting my life. PA takes me away from what is important to me.
2. I feel bad about myself, unworthy of love, not living with integrity.
3.Low grade background fear that I will get found out or do something that gets me into trouble and my family will suffer.
4.It damages relationship with SO.
5.It exaggerates fantasies and keeps me from being truly engaged with real sexuality.
6.It deprives me of sleep and contributes to a vicious cycle involving food, alcohol, tiredness, PA.

Thanks for asking me this. Has helped me to reconnect with strong motives to quit. Now on day 2 and perhaps for the first time in a month feel absolutely committed to be PF permanently, not just till the next time I feel really down (which is what I have deep down really been thinking recently).

I described situation with SO on 20 Jan post. I have not talked to SO about the PA and extent it is a problem for me. She knows about it, but probably not how it is affecting me... the addictive behaviour and its consequences, including lost time, the secrecy and the effects on our relationship. We have been talking about our sexual issues which in part relate to a degree of SA for me and also rejection issues. Can’t say we have solved them but have opened more communication.

I think SO does not know how strong the addiction is, although I could be wrong. I really cannot bring myself to enlighten her on how pathetic and weak. I am I really want to succeed in being PF for my own sake and for her. So the PA behaviour will be a thing of the past, and no longer an issue. I did say that if I did not continue to make substantial progress, then I will tell her how much of a problem I have and that I need help to beat it. So if I do not succeed right now over the next days in changing the pattern of the last few weeks, then that would be the next step.

And you are spot on. I am very aware of the triggers but I have not been implementing my plan. I am looking at what are the key strategies that I really need to implement and stick to. Must address the key set of triggers I am now so aware of. Will work on this as a priority.

[Benedict]

3 days PF. And will make it. But came close tonight, due to the usual triggers. Caught myself aimlessly surfing the web and starting to look for some film stars, and that would have led without doubt to P. So stopped, came here instead and posted. An opportunity to break the cycle of relapses after around 3 days. And I will go to bed now, without MB.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Benedict-

Good for you for catching yourself. Does that mean you will break your three day barrier?

I am glad you weren't offended by my questions. I was trying to be helpful so I am glad you took it that way.

I don't know what all of the intimacy issues are between you and your wife but I know it affects you both. Have you tried going to bed and holding your wife and just being affectionate without the aim of having sx? Women in general like their spouse to be affectionate with them just for the sake of being affectionate and not with an end goal in mind. Sometimes, guys are annoyed by this, like, why should I have to go to all this trouble just to have sx? But then the answer to that is, why does the man who says he loves me have such trouble just being kind and being with me in a loving way? So, its give and take.

I wish you well on your journey and I hope you make it through for your sake because you seem pretty unhappy with the way things are now.

[Benedict]

Yes. Now 4 days PF and feeling strong and positive. Old habits die hard, but I intend to change them. The last 6 weeks have not been a good time. Its late at night, and if i was not feeling good, or was trying to avoid sleep or work, thats when the call of the old habit would be strongest. But after I post here, I will close the browser and go to bed.

You really put your finger on the key to success> not just recognizing triggers, but having strategies to change the response to them. I have started a new strategy to boost self-esteem by listening to a confidence building hypnosis tape daily. Feeling very positive and more self-confident already. Not only does this positivity give me more strength to change behaviour when triggers arise, it also hopefully will reduce the amt of depression or feeling low (a strong trigger).

I am also trying to stick more strongly to my plan to be in bed by a specific timelimit, not to overdo the eating or alcohol late at night. Additionally, I am trying to improve my diet to lose a bit of weight and increasing amount of exercise I do. But most important, to focus more on SO, communicate with her, and address some of the issues that come up between us.

I do sometimes just hold and cuddle SO but not enough. Will try to do that more. Thanks WoNLM

[Benedict]

Today is 7 days PF. A milestone. I have not got this far since I started relapsing again in January. And feeling strong (but less complacent than previously when I got past 1 month). I feel much more positive, and somehow feel like I have really decided to quit, whereas over the last 2 months it was more like "I will try to quit" but I gave in at the first real trigger because I really was not fully committed.

Maybe the hypnosis tapes are helping. I have done 30 mins hypnosis every day for last 6 days. The script is basically about connecting with your authentic self and really experiencing what it is like to live authentically (which is of course PF). But also, I think the continuous relapsing and the obvious impact on my life and relationships also brought me to a very low point where I realized deeply that I have to change.

[Daniel]

That is Great News Benedict!

Keep up the committment and the hard work of being free..!

Daniel

[Benedict]

Maybe it is the hypnosis, maybe it is just being PF and focusing on the important things, maybe I am just a bit manic lately for whatever reason, but the last week I have been more efficient and productive at work, dealing with more things at once than I can usually cope with. Also spending a bit more time interacting with family and feeling closer. Getting in touch with feelings of happiness.

I just hope I remember how great this is when the triggers and urges next strike - which they are not doing right now.

[Benedict]

now its 9 days. Have succeeded in breaking out of the pattern of relapses after a few days. Motivation is strong, just have to be sure to get through the inevitable down times that will occur when I am stressed, depressed, tired etc.

A friend who tried to quit smoking many times and then finally did, said that once he had really and truly decided to quit it actually wasn-t hard. The problem with all the previous attempts was that deep down he hadnt truly decided to quit. I feel like I have truly decided, and I hope I am right. Have been reinforcing that commitment with hypnosis and also regularly reviewing all the reasons that I want to quit and why my life will be so much better now that I have.

[MaxB]

You'll make it Benedict, just use strategies that work and want it badly enough and you cannot fail. I've been reading your journal and I see a lot of similarities between you and I. I also use food as a reward. Thankfully I only drink on weekends, tho sometimes to excess. I also used to have a significant drug problem which I have now overcome. It's funny how these problems, and they are problems, are usually not singular. I've spent the better part of my adult life trying to beat one addiction or another. My last few are P and food. P is first, it has to be because it is ruining my inner life and could also completely ruin my "external" life (my SO doesn't know about this problem, I don't want her to, and if I continue it is inevitable that she would find out because I was taking many risks).

Anyway, less about me, I just wanted to show you that I understand what you're going through. Good luck.

[Benedict]

10 days and just made it. Started skating last night and only just turned away in time. MaxB been reading your journal also. Hang in there! We seem to have very similar problems and be at a simlar place. Good luck.