Benedict's plan and journal

[Benedict]

OK the counter is going again. I am feeling more positive also. I have learned a lot about what triggers me, and how much of a negative impact PA has when I relapse. So I need to use this and build on it, rather than feeling bad about myself. Keep reminding myself how much better it has been in the last 2 months, even with a few relapses.

[Benedict]

Am on my own for some days. Finding it very hard. Several times have fired up the browser and started looking for stuff, then shut it down. Realize I am skating close to the edge of falling. Have been reading various journals here to gain strength. And using an affirmation. Now 4 days PF, want so much to remain PF. I need to do this for myself and for those I care about.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Benedict-

I applaud your efforts. But I ask again, why no filter? You keep skating close to the edge and a filter can help you when the will is there, but the willpower is weak. I will stop asking, because I think my constant question about this is probably annoying. :)

Good luck in your journey.

[Benedict]

Well I slipped up yesterday. Alone, not feeling well (perhaps the flu), and depressed. Reset counter to day 1 today. Why no filter? A good question and thanks for pressing me on this -- I’m thinking about it. I think I will install a filter on the home computer. The problem is that I also have a laptop from work which has a set of standard software and I cannot modify that. In any case, for me the goal is to change the compulsive decision making (to look for p) and also the obsessive behaviour. Its really about stopping the compulsive-obsessive use of MB with visual stimuli to block feelings or disconnect from the here-now. And while explicit p is a bigger trigger and stimulus, I can (and have in the recent past) continued exactly the same behaviour in the absence of explicit p, using magazine photos (eg- Time magazine!), or ordinary shows on TV, or even fairly ordinary descriptions of sex in novels and thrillers. So filters don’t solve my problem, except in the same way that locking myself in a bare room would. I need to change my response to my triggers. And I am more determined than ever to do that, even though I am finding it really hard.

[Daniel]

Benedict,

Distraction is always the best immediate solution when faced with a trigger. You probably know this already so I'm saying it for both of us!..

So we understand distraction and we understand what our triggers are; thus we work to avoid triggers (ACTIVELY) but when we are triggered we hatch our distraction plan (go outside, read Proverbs 5, listen to three of our favorite songs, call a friend, do 30 push-ups, fix that flat on the bike, read a chapter in our book, sit silently for 8 minutes, -take your pick...

And then there is the long-term solution which is to completely change our thinking, to change our thought patterns, and to actively NOT think about the things we used to think about... And that is a real challenge but it CAN be done rest assured. Imperfectly mind you, but nevertheless enough to make a difference.

In the environment you're in now (alone, ill, etc.) of course it's a huge challenge. And you saw it coming. We always know it's coming down the line at us by the way so you're not alone in that by any stretch.

The Challenge of the Day is to begin Both Processes at once: Kick in the distraction plan at a moments notice AND actively work on the thinking.

You have to think of it like a job. Because your doorbell will continue to ring.

You're extremely thorough in your own self-analysis. You've probably considered these things already and thus I'm a broken record.

Just want to give you everything possible for success...

Daniel

[Benedict]

A long way from a broken record. You summed up the situation and what I need to do perfectly...I hadn-t thought of it so clearly. I need to change the responses to triggers now as they arise and I also need to change my thought patterns (a longer term task). If I understand the latter task, it means that when I encounter a trigger, I would not even go into the thought patterns that result in an urge, and then the bad decision. So the entire trigger-response pattern would not occur, because my beliefs and thought patterns were changed.

That makes a lot of sense. I got a bit overconfident in January, thinking that I had changed thought patterns enough that looking at a few triggering things would not be a problem. But ultimately they caused a relapse. So I need to pay much more attention to the immediate task of changing my responses to triggers. And not get overconfident or complacent that my thought patterns have changed, until a lot of evidence over a long time has accumulated that I have achieved that.

[Benedict]

Another relapse on 31 Jan after a couple of days. Multiple triggers: alone, sick, and some stress. No excuse, I have to learn from this. Daniel has inspired me:

Benedict,

The Challenge of the Day is to begin Both Processes at once: Kick in the distraction plan at a moments notice AND actively work on the thinking.

Daniel

I need to be much more mindful of triggers and follow my plan to distract myself and make different choices. At the same time, I aim to actively work on the beliefs and thought patterns. So February 1 is day one PF.

[Benedict]

Day 5 PF and now travelling again. This time I have been staying alone in a hotel room for several days and no MB or P. So different to trips like this a few months ago, when the PA would have occupied me for an hour or two a day while I was alone like this. And I feel so much better about myself, not having the shame at how I was spending my time (and not wanting anyone to know about it).

I am trying to avoid skating close to triggers (my big problem in January). And succeeding, though the tempting thoughts recur. And on the second front, changing my self-beliefs and thought patterns, I have started to do several things. First, I am meditating more regularly, almost daily for 30 mins. Second, I am using some hypnosis tapes to address basic self-esteem issues. Third, I have started to do some EFT after reading Farmer's journal. I have no idea whether EFT works or will have any effect, but I am doing the basic routine once or twice a day with a focus on SA and urges - and I will see if it helps. Finally, I have been introspecting a bit to identify my basic belief systems around SA and where they came from. In that respect, the discussion thread on TTF about the roots of addiction has been very thought provoking.

[Benedict]

Relapsed today. Made it to 7 days, longer than in January. Still travelling and had argument with SO by phone. Felt very depressed, like relationship was ending. Had been no S or MB for nearly a week. Decided that I may as well MB then ended up finding something on TV to help. Well the good thing is I realized that I have a belief that I am trying to give up P because I care about our relationship and that if I was alone I would not want to or need to. Now I know it has to be something I want for myself in any case if I am to succeed - lots of people here have said that and I know it is right. So I have some work to do to really get into a frame of mind where this is something I must do for my own life, irrespective of relationship- although that will still be a strong motivator. I have also realized that once I give in to the urge, it rapidly escalates and I am wasting my time, feeling bad about myself, needing to hide things etc etc. All of that I know, I just have to really deeply realize I need to change for myself.

[Benedict]

Still travelling until a couple of days ago and delayed by cancelled flights. After an excellent first week PF while travelling (never happened before), I slipped up and then gave up and rationalized that there was no harm in a little indulgence each day. but a little became more than a little. Part of the rationalization is classic PA stuff. Was saying to myself, I have high libido, its natural to need to satisfy the urge, and P is better than going out and interacting with women. But its the addictive obsessive behaviour that is a major problem.

unlike some here, and I respect their position, I don't think P use is intrinsically bad. for me its the obsessive compulsive behaviour and use of P for masking other feelings and replacing real interaction. Partly because I am very introverted and also have this rejection issue, P has felt safer and easier than real interaction. but its not, I can't control it and then I have to hide my real behaviour because I am so not comfortable with it. And the impact on real relationship is substantial and negative. All that I know.

Have been reading some other threads. Thought provoking discussion on the root of addiction and the need to understand that. The contrary view is that its irrelevant, what needs to change is behaviour now: choises made in response to triggers. But perhaps a deep examination of the roots may help in freeing up choice. Mindfulness of what is here-now.

Also a very thought provoking discussion of skating behaviour. I certainly have many triggers, and they cannot be avoided - they arise everywhere. But I have been skating too often in the last month and skating leads to relapse- not necessarily immediately but within a day or two max. Skating is seeing an image or sentence (like a woman in bikini) and then following a link to see more of the same (not P) and then........

Mindfulness of the immediate trigger and alter the decision to skate. That would stop the cycle. So today is day 1. Again. I very strongly hope for the LAST TIME. It is down to me, and I can choose to change my decisions, no-one else can do it for me.