Benedict's plan and journal

[Benedict]

I see PA as a form of obsessive-compulsive behaviour. But I saw a definition of addiction as a pathological relationship to a mood-altering experience. That fits too.

A traumatic early childhood experience that I remember like it was yesterday led me early to internalize that I need to pretend to be non-sexual as my expression of that leads to rejection.

My anticipation of rejection (the beliefs that no one would love me if I was truly open about myself and my needs are never going to be met by others) prevents the possibility of expressing needs now. I try to have attention paid to me without expressing what I need so that I will not be rejected. But I then get angry when my expections are not met (because they were not expressed).

The anger becomes internalized as resentment, depression,self-pity, suicidal feelings. And I turn to the quick fixes to block those feelings and feel better briefly. Inner life is hidden from those close to me. So the ups and downs of my moods are often inexplicable to others.

The key to changing all this is to address and change the belief systems/core beliefs. Need to find ways to shift those beliefs. I think I can clearly see the main problem beliefs (but I can be deluding myself about some of them still). Changing them has been much harder, and can't say I've found a method thats effective yet.

[Desert Ghost]

The key to changing all this is to address and change the belief systems/core beliefs. Need to find ways to shift those beliefs. I think I can clearly see the main problem beliefs (but I can be deluding myself about some of them still). Changing them has been much harder, and can't say I've found a method thats effective yet.

Benedict the key changing the belief system/core beliefs is to truly understand how these are affected by past and present emotions. Because repressed or suppressed emotions have a great impact on us. So, until we can face and release these repressed emotions they will not allow for one to begin to reshape one's belief system/core beliefs. I wish you the best of luck, and know that is always Hope.

[Benedict]

I have been looking deeply into my core beliefs fuelling the addictive behavious and trying to challenge those beliefs. Identify their roots and dig them out by the roots. Unfortunately this was also a period when SO had pushed me away when I approached her for sex. I had already concluded that it was actually true that sex was my most important need (belief 4) and in this situation I also concluded that my needs were never going to be met by SO (belief 3). I got into quite a painful state of feeling caught between two unacceptable options: leave SO or live with unmet needs. And turning to P seemed like an option, while not desirable, but better than the other two options. And so I relapsed yesterday. And in the back of my mind, I think I had half decided to give up trying to give up.

Of course, things improved today with SO, and I realized I had been dramatically exaggerating things in my mind, and that there were lots of other options, not just the bleak two I had been seeing. Also, that I had temporarily completely lost sight of the reasons that I was doing this for myself - to feel good about myself and to live with the integrity that I think is really me.

So at this stage, beliefs 3 and 4 are true for me, I cannot see that they are false. But I see that beliefs 1 and 2 are not true, although I easily slip into them when triggered. Somehow I need to change these beliefs, which means paying attention to them, but not get caught up in them so much that I relapse. I think I need to get more serious about some of the techniques I have been playing around with. This is day 1.

[OpenEyes]

Benedict,

Sorry for the slip, but I am glad you are still here, still posting and being so honest about it all.

Changing your core beliefs is very hard, and will take a LOT of work. Are you covering this with a therapist? If not, what are your strategies for changing those core beliefs? I have found writing things down, and reexamining them, at a later time, really helps me see things more clearly. It may help you.

As many people have stated, beating PA is a lot about accountablility. Do you hae an accountability partner? I take it your SO is not involved with your PA so do you have an SA sponsor or the like? I hope by asking these questions, I help get the gears rolling on plans in your own head, rather than try to fill it with my own plans. Every PA is different, as is every relationship.

I wish you well on this journey to recovery.

[Desert Ghost]

Benedict, I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. You sound like you might be ready to look into this Emotions – How To Understand, Identify and Release Your Emotions. This site also talks about core beliefs and it also talks about truly understanding and releasing your emotions, thus allowing you to determine how to change your core beliefs.

[Benedict]

DG, thanks for your pointer to the article on emotions. I found it illuminating and it had some ideas for identifying and processing emotions that I will try.

I ticked quite a few boxes on the ways people avoid feeling their emotions and also quite a few on the symptoms of repressed emotions. But it was the section asking whether you are using sex to release emotions that really got me thinking. I think the article is not quite right in seeing the compulsive behaviours as "releasing" emotions, rather they soothe so that I don't risk feeling the emotions. But it was the statement that people who use sex obsessively to release (or cover) emotions tend to have a very high sex drive that got me thinking. I've been struggling to let go of belief 4 (sex is my most important need) but it is probably true that (a) I have a high sex drive and find sex very interesting and (b) I have become obsessive about it, for reasons related to self-soothing and blocking feelings.

The article says that "these are people who enjoy sex more than once a day". Certainly true for me. I think I need to simply accept that I find sex very interesting - more so than SO - but that I somehow need to get to a place where I don't need to compulsively act out. That has been with SO and created many tensions between us, and also with the PA. Ultimately I need to accept myself as I am and experience the interest, the arousal and the urges without the mindless attachment to necessarily acting on them. I also need to accept that SO has different perceptions and wants regarding sex...in part personal and in part biological, and relax more about these differences. Not take them so seriously.

[Benedict]

OE, thanks for your questions. I did have a therapist I was seeing for several years, and it helped with other issues not so much the PA. I have talked to a friend, but not really using him as an accountability partner...I am using this journal for that.

For changing the core beliefs, I am doing several things - but not yet as regularly as I would like, life is busy. These include meditation, self hypnosis with a range of scripts including some inner child work, keeping a written journal recording triggers, urges, thoughts, environment, response...in order to identify core beliefs and patterns of behaviour. And also two forms of voice dialog - one during meditation, talking with the PA, the damaged child, my authentic self, and other parts of me. The other a written dialog in which I write both sides of a discussion with significant other on an issue causing problems, and then write a summary from the perspective of the other person.

[Alika]

Benedict,

I hope it's OK that I jump in in the middle of this.

I seem to recall that I read somewhere (topic: the myths of P) that the longer time one has spent with P, among the beliefs that may arise are a very firm belief in one's own elevated sex drive, elevated compared to others that is. Furthermore, it explained that being accustomed to "extreme" P (well, basically going further than the most usual actions taking place in the common/average marital bedroom) could instill a want, a desire, for more as well as the consequences of desensitizing creating a very real need for more to get aroused, and thus there is a mismatch between the PA's need for other variety than the SO is (immediately) willing to participate in. Whether you can relate to this, I have no idea, but I thought I'd mention it. I can't remember the article(s) in question, but I've run searches for myths and lies of P and similar search words.

OE and I have talked quite a bit about core beliefs, where his differs from mine, or where we can see differences between his and someone not PA's, and OE is trying to figure out whether some of his beliefs are tainted by the PA, it is a possibility. As far as I can gather, you don't wish to involve your SO in your recovery, but should you feel like it at some point, it may be an idea to "compare notes", so to speak, on your beliefs with a non PA person (male or female, I'm not sure if you have a preference), or maybe a long time recovery PA?

Your journal is interesting reading with lots of very open and straight forward examples of your trails of thoughts and beliefs. I am sure it is of inspiration to others who have yet to define and vocalize their own thoughts on the matter. To me it gives even more material to ponder as I am trying to learn the whys behind PA. Thank you for posting.

- Alika

[dave42]

I agree with you, Alika: there is a lot to learn from you, Benedict: "meditation, self hypnosis with a range of scripts including some inner child work, keeping a written journal recording triggers, urges, thoughts, environment, response...in order to identify core beliefs and patterns of behaviour. And also two forms of voice dialog - one during meditation, talking with the PA, the damaged child, my authentic self, and other parts of me. The other a written dialog in which I write both sides of a discussion with significant other on an issue causing problems, and then write a summary from the perspective of the other person." Uh, I feel kind of lazy by comparison!

[Desert Ghost]

Benedict, I'm happy that the article that I pointed you to gave you something to think about. If I happen across anymore like it I'll give you the link to them.