maybe a journal will help?

[hast]

I dunno if I should call this day one, or not. If I didn't, this would be day 10, but I'm thinking it should probably be started over, now.

Holy CRAP, getting over addiction is hard. Yesterday I had such a TERRIBLE urge to relapse. I was to the point where I was saying "I don't care" to myself about all of my reasons to stay sober. But I came here, I made a post, and I made it! It was a HUGE step for me, not relapsing after getting to that point.

But I guess that for every time you fly in your life, you have to land. I slipped, today. I didn't completely fall and go to P, but I did MB a bit, and read some stuff to arouse myself. Goodness this is hard. I've quit before, and a couple times it lasted months, and even years! Why is it so much harder, this time? Is it because I'm finally quitting for forever? Or is it because I've just got a crazy 18 year-old libido?? I dunno, but this is harder than ever. And now I'm back to square one. AGAIN. Never have I had so many relapses after so much success.

[cyberpunk]

I have some advice for you Hast; remember that this addiction is more about compulsion than libido. Even when your libido starts to go down as you get older your addiction will get worse unless you work on staying sober.

The sx addict differs from the rest of humanity because we 1) use (p, mb, lust etc) to escape difficult and stressful feelings and situations and 2) cannot abstain from the behavior for very long. I know that I am oversimplifying this but I am just trying to point out that our sxuality is not the same as the average Joe, we are sx addicts.

The lustful thought that may be okay for someone else is not okay for me because that thought will lead me to act out. You may have seen that some of the people in this forum may take periods of abstinence, even from their own spouse. I think that this is because they are trying to be sober from lust and, yes, even lust for their spouse. Lust and love are two different things. Lust is selfish, love is selfless.

I also noticed your avatar so I am assuming that you are LDS. If you haven't yet you should probably talk to your Bishop and ask him to set you up with an appointment to see and LDS addiction counselor in your area. The LDS church has also produced a 12-step booklet (http://www.providentliving.org/famil...l_36764000.pdf). While none of this is necessary it is very helpful. I actually have a lot more things to say but I am getting long winded so I will cut this short. Good luck and keep fighting.

Cyberpunk

[hast]

Thanks for your comment...it came at a time that I really need it.

Yes, I'm LDS. All of 2 Nephi 4 is etremely important to me, because it helps so much with this problem. Actually, parts of it were even in my Patriarchal Blessing.
I'm going to try and get into my bishop, but he's doing tithing settlement all this week, then he's out of town for Thanksgiving...then right back to tithing settlement. >.<
Maybe if I pray about it, we will be able to work out a time that is sooner. I dunno, maybe they have already set aside times during the tithing settlement just for people who need to see him for this sort of stuff.
I think I need to get a father's blessing, too. I'm doing really well, lately, but I'm right on the edge and can still slip at any moment. I need all the help I can get.
Thanks for taking time to look at my post :)

[cyberpunk]

Most Bishops set aside time for tithing settlement and leave open other time for meeting with members. I am sure that if you call he will be able to find a time to meet with you.

I don't know if you are living in Utah but if you are, or in Arizona, there are quite a few LDS 12-step meetings and LDS focused SA meetings around the area. The meetings for P and Sx addiction are usually full of guys and you should probably call before hand and talk to the facilitator to make sure it is open and safe for you to attend.

If you can't find one, there are many "general" LDS 12-step meetings that aren't focused on P. These meetings have men and women who struggle with everything from alcohol to eating disorders. You can go to those meetings and just say that you are an addict (you don't have to give details). I try to attend one of these every week and I find it very spiritual and uplifting (when I have the right attitude :) ). God speed to you sister.

Resources
SA Lifeline Foundation | Pornography Addiction | Pornography Addiction Recovery
LDS 12 Step Meetings

[hast]

I'll try to work up the courage to look into a 12 step program...but it will probably take some time. I have a really hard time speaking of it openly.
I'm going to try and call the bishop tomorrow. I know I need to get in to see him. It's so hard to make myself do it, though. I've seen a bishop for this, in the past, so I know it's not bad, but I don't know. It's just hard, you know? My friend is going to see her bishop about it (it's a hard load to carry, when your best friend is going through something like this), and I am going to try to do it, too. Hopefully she will help me get the courage to do it.
Thank you so much for posting on here. It means a lot to have anyone help...especially another member.

[cyberpunk]

I do understand how difficult it is. I have seen several Bishops over the years and it is difficult every time I have to see a new one. I know that it takes time to work up the courage to do it.

Do you remember the story of the rich young man who, when he went to Christ, asked what he had to do to obtain the kingdom of Heaven. Christ said,"Sell all that you have and give it to the poor and come follow me." The young man sorrowed because he couldn't do that.

This is the similar to us but what Christ asks us to give up isn't our money but our pride and our addiction. The question we have to ask ourselves is "what price am I willing to pay to be free of this addiction?" Just like the young man in the parable, the price will be high and difficult for us, but the reward is worth much more.

Some things that I have had to do are
* Have an internet filter (with a password I don't know) on every computer I am around. This has obviously meant that I have had to be open about my addiction with a few people so they could setup the filter with a password.
* Cut back on my internet usage for anything but work and school. No entertainment purposes until I can get enough sobriety under my belt.
* Go to a couple of 12 step meetings each week.
* Learn to turn to the Lord and other addicts for help in my repentance and my struggles. As an addict I tend to be very co-dependant and I would dump all of my problems on my gf and while I would feel better she would feel worse. It wasn't very fair of me. I need to be open with her about this but I must remember that she cannot fix me or my problems but the Lord can.

I hope you don't feel like I am preaching because I really have no room to preach. I have just started day 3 of my sobriety but I have learned a lot over the years. I guess I haven't followed my own advice. Knowing how to overcome and addiction isn't the same as working the steps and paying the price to overcome and addiction. Have a great day.

Cyber

[hast]

Day TEN!
I know that's not a whole ton, but I feel so free. I haven't actually been on here for a while, cause I'm so free. I don't ever think about it, anymore. I remind myself of it, I'm more likely to relapse so I just keep myself busy and stay away from things that remind me and/or trigger me.

I think I'm doing it. I'm quitting for good :D

[Mefree]

Wow, big congrats so far! I'm envious.
I had gotten a little farther than this point recently, then something happened in my family and BAM, I'm back to square one.

Stay vigilant! I honestly felt I was in the clear, that I'd won, but sometimes things happen. Hold on to that freedom should another urge come around. The only person that can stop you from being happy now is yourself.
Stay strong! Best wishes.

[Crisodian]

HEY! Congrats on 10 days!

Keep moving forward and be strong.

You can do this. You're on the right path.

~C~

[hast]

Thanks, guys :)

Oh jeez, last night I had a disgusting dream. I've been taught by my religion that I should wait until marriage to do it, but last night I had a dream that my church decided all of the young adults should learn how. I got put with the most disgusting guy there, whom I've been avoiding since like 8th grade.

I've never had a dream like that, before! Do you think that has significance with this addiction?

Start of day 11 :D