maybe a journal will help?

[castaway16]

castaway interrupts!

Such a late response in your journal, I know. But I think I'm sort of luck to have seen your journal now than earlier, because reading those 2 pages of yours was quite refreshing, Hast.

Congratulations on staying strong for 16 days. What's even greater, is what you said about having no signs of returning back. Those first days could be the hardest, do if you pass those safely, the rest should be easier.

Wish you all the strength !

Castaway

[hast]

Thanks, Castaway!
I'm glad my journal was refreshing to you :)

You know, it's funny cause sometimes I'm glad for this addiction. It makes me a much MUCH stronger and more dedicated person. Helps me to remember what my perception of my purpose in this life is.

It's actually done me some good. Well not the addiction itself, of course, but overcoming relapses has made me a better person. I'm glad for it.

[castaway16]

It's actually done me some good. Well not the addiction itself, of course, but overcoming relapses has made me a better person. I'm glad for it.

I have had the same thought A LOT. I always hated this stupid addiction of course, and the emotional implications and complexities surrounding it. But the stuff that I've learned through the struggle to quit, about myself, and human nature in general and even about other things in the world, surely makes the journey less of an emotional pain.

[hast]

Day 18.

WOW it's been hard today. And today's not even close to over. I'm so worried.

I have been stuck at home bored all day since my younger sister has my car, and my friends are all off on dates tonight so there's no one to text or chat with on the computer. So I was already in a pretty bad situation as far as temptation goes..then I was hit by a trigger I'd never realized was a trigger, before - lonliness.

I have a good thing going with a guy right now, but he leaves for two whole years in January...and the guy I liked for 4 years before the new guy came along is coming home in a week. A WEEK! And I'm not excited, because I don't think I'll get him. So today has been hard. What's worse is that I was looking at a friend's facebook page and saw the guy I have a thing with right now flirting with her U_U

THEN I was able to keep (somewhat) clean because a friend was going to come over to hang out with me...but she just texted me that she's going to a dance instead. BAM. That second, I decided to relapse. Decided.

The only thing that stopped me? Thank goodness the background of my laptop is a picture of Declan Galbraith, a British singer who's performed since he was 7. His performances from when he was younger seem so pure and innocent to me. That picture of him made me stop and think...then I went and watched his video "an angel" on youtube.

"Sometimes, I wish I were and angel, sometimes, I wish I were you."

I didn't relapse...but I'm not totally innocent. I still count this as a successful day if I manage to hold out for the rest of it, though.

here's Declan's video I watched if you're curious:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn51LxzSHf0&feature=fvw

[Mefree]

Hold out. You can do it.

You wanna know something? Like you, just about one minute ago I had *decided* to relapse. So, I crank up the interenet and see in my inbox your response to my journal. Now I'm here instead. So, I owe you one, hast. Looks like we're in the same boat. Last night I wasn't totally innocent, either, but like you I counted it successful for lasting the whole day.

Things are rough for both of us right now, but is it really worth throwing away everything we've worked for so far? Remember your post on your tenth day of sobriety? How free you felt? That freedom is far better than the worst that could come out of this night.

Stay strong. Stay vigilant. Stay free.

[hast]

Oh Mefree, I'm so glad I could help! I saw that your mood was "worried", so I thought I ought to hurry up and see what was up. I'm glad that it helped :)

I'm good, now, thanks to a combination of picturing people I love, talking through personal messages to one of the members here, and my sister all of a sudden texting me a huge outpouring of love :) She definitely picked a perfect time to do it. Seriously, I'm gonna start crying again just thinking about it :')

ah. I'm so glad for this place and all the help it brings me. Here's to one more day, Mefree! And everyone else who made it today :)

[castaway16]

Hast,
Congrats, but not on your 20 (?) days of sobriety. But rather, by passing a truly demanding test ! That's what really counts.

I don't know where you mentioned that the addiction "tests you limits", but I believe this is kind of true. And by making the right choice regularly, you make it increasingly weak, and thus easier to fight, and maybe even totally ignore it.

Keep it up hast !

Castaway

[hast]

Day 20!

I really doubt anything will be happening, today. I just barely got home from being at school ALL DAY. I'm exhausted from doing so many projects and tests and study guides. Not to mention having a TON of emails to get back to. I think I'm safe for the day ^_^

[Crisodian]

Way to go on 20 days!!

Keep going strong!

~C~

[hast]

Day 21

Ug. I was wrong yesterday when I said I probably wouldn't be tempted. I ended up being up way late, last night, and I gave in to reading a S story online. I don't call it a relapse, but it was pretty darn close. I've decided to create a whole seperate countdown for the stories because that's not a relapse of what I'm already trying to beat...it's a whole new problem. So here's to Day 1 of that!

I'm also going to be a lot more careful with the computer being on late at night. I've been turning it off, but last night I just had so much going on to distract me.

You know, I think the stress of this guy coming home this weekend is making it harder. I already don't feel like I've become pure enough for him, so then that just eats at me until I give in and do something like I did last night. Ironic that I'm just making myself even less pure...