My Journal - #34

[artguy34]

Since my wife realized I had started my journal in the wrong section, I decided to start a new one here where it should be.

If you wish to read my journal from the begining start here: Long Hard Road Out of Hell, My Journal

Post #9

It has been a busy week for us. A lot of things going on in our lives. Health issues, Children's Health Issues, Work related, all these things that can interfere with recovery for both my wife and I. But keeping things positive we are still making an effort to recover from this and get stronger.

I had a talk with my wife just a short time ago about our conversations. It was a good talk. Calm and peaceful and the outcome was good for us. ...Even though we talk nightly, at times she initiates the conversation. In her defense, she is worried that she is starting to feel like she is nagging about our talks. And I agree, I do need to initiate talks as well. We both agree that this is healthier for both of us and make us feel like we're both in this and not that she is checking up on me. Or make her feel like nagging on me. Reality is, I know she is not nagging, but she also wants to avoid that feeling for herself.

Again, another good, calm discussion had by the both of us. This is what is really different about us this time around. I can't stress enough to anyone reading this, how important it has been for our conversations and to be open to each other.

Also, one of the issues we discussed was keeping my Porn issue on the front burners of our every day lives. It is easy as time goes on and other issues come up as I stated in the beginning of this post, that the recovery of porn addiction can be put to the back burners while other things take priority.

Easy to worry about the kids, health issues, work, auto etc... but one thing that a daily conversation accomplishes is that we keep our minds focused on my porn addiction recovery along with her recovery and make sure we dont slip into forgetting about that. Main reason behind it is because I for one do not want to relapse EVER! And I feel it is important for us both to continue to heal from this together as husband and wife.

[artguy34]

Post #10

Ok, so today is day# 25 of sobriety from Porn and MB. How do I feel? I feel great about it. I am happy that I have come this far.

Side Effects: Hmmm... I am irritable and very snappy. But all things considered, at least I can see my own faults. Plus I wake up in the mornings and the urge to MB is constantly there.

Plus side: One of my deterrents now is being stubborn. What the hell right? I am less than 5 days away from reaching 30 days without MB or Porn. So why should I ruin that? Once I reach 30 days, I will be 1/2 way to 60 days. Once I reach 60 days I will be 2/3's of the way to 90 days. So you see, there is always a new goal to achieve...

Oh but wait there's more! The time away from MB is helping me overcome the desensitization I have made from my chronic MB. THAT is something really important as that will help the intimacy between my wife and I. Talk about goals I need to strive for? Heck yea, that is one I think is vital for me and my wife and why I dont want to MB.

And if there wasnt anything else to be appreciative about... the images in my head are fading and blurry. It is really hard for me to remember what I was viewing while searching for Porn. This is also a good benefit from sobriety.

[dave42]

25 days?! Excellent. Sorry about the grumpiness. I hope that wears off soon, but I think you are speaking for a lot of us. Sometimes I'm pretty irritable and snappy! Good luck with your goals!

[artguy34]

Thanks Dave42 I appreciate the support buddy!

Yea, a little bitchiness and grumpiness is a small price to pay for sobriety. However I always try to keep in mind that I need to be extra sensitive to my wife. Not only does she NOT deserve my grumpiness, but I am the cause of some of her grumpiness.

However she was real supportive last night and it was nice to see us getting closer as a couple again.

Little goals acheived begin to add up when you focus on the end game. What is my goal? To live a happy life with my wife and family.

first comes 30 days, then 60 etc... (Relapse is not an option)

[artguy34]

Post #11

The weekend was good. We had a normal, low key weekend, but spending time with each other has been a great thing. Sure our kids can get to us, but for the most part, they are truly a joy for us.

No urges for MB and no thoughts about Porn. A good feeling. It is coming close to 30 days now. Tomorrow in fact. Will I celebrate? Nah, why? Sure 30 days is a good goal for me. My first goal acheived, but this is only the start for me. Kinda like when you score a touchdown and instead of dancing like an idiot, you act like you've been in the endzone before and be professional about it. Will I be happy? Of course, I will be smiling and giddy, but most importantly it means that I made a promise and I stuck to it.

I Fought off all the urges for this time. I was open about my urges to my wife and she supported me and was happy for me when I didnt give in. But out of all of this that I've been going through, what really inspires me truly is the look on my wife's face. She seems happier now when she is around me. We hug more, we kiss more, we cuddle more and just the mere touches we give each other send currents in our systems. (imagine that huh?) Intimacy is much better.

It is proof positive that this whole intamacy issue we had been having was strictly my fault because of my addictions. While immersed deep into my addictions, I was sometimes irritable, grouchy, and not very emotional. So when my vibe kicked off that I was not sociable, what was my wife supposed to do? Of course she became distant and stressed out. Then when I see her distant because of me, I used that as my excuse to feed my addiction.

Damn... can you see the pattern here? Pathetic huh? But now as things get better, my conquest over my addiction seems more obtainable. Believing in yourself is a huge step. I believe we control our own desires and urges... If we make up our own minds and stop the nonsense, what else can we achieve?

How about our own personal goals?
Family Goals?
Intimate Goals?

The power is ours, not Porn. We are the Masters of our own domain, and I think its time we took control for ourselves and were held accountable for our own actions!

[Crisodian]

It's 30 days today. Whether you celebrate or not, I am! Congratz hon for being strong.

I'm looking forward to 60 days!


Your loving wife,
~C~

[StarPuppy]

congrats on getting 25 days arty, its so inspiring to see a couple stand by each other in the fight of P and whats more even touching that your SO knows your feelings and actively joins it to helping you

I am so green with envy...haha

[artguy34]

Originally Posted by Crisodian

It's 30 days today. Whether you celebrate or not, I am! Congratz hon for being strong.

I'm looking forward to 60 days!


Your loving wife,
~C~

Oh dont get me wrong honey buns, I am celebrating on the inside, just not doing cartwheels on the outside. Yea, this feels great, like I accomplished a big goal. But you know what makes this feel good?

Your smiles again!

I could not have done this without your support. Thank you so much hon for not giving up on me!

"3:57" Baby!

----------------
And thank you to many of you guys and gals out there who have given me your thoughts and encouragement. Coming here to TTF has been a great help! In time, I hope I can help others out as you all have helped me and Crisodian!

[Crisodian]

Honey buns?

Erm....

...

So anyway. You're welcome.

~C~

[castaway16]

Congratulations AG !!

Honestly, I'm speechless.
I hope you both a never-ending success. AG & Crisodian, this is a truely inspiring journal. You're already helping out lots of us here with what you're doing.

Here, some happy hugs:

Castaway