My Journal - #34

[artguy34]

Thanks StarPup, the little things mean so much when you take the time to slow life down.

Anyway, great to hear that you are one of the kinder souls on earth, i was telling Crissy the other day that how one of my superiors was having a bad day and scolded me (although i was partly at fault) and spoiled my whole day and she didn't apologised (she was much gentler in telling me how to do my work correctly later in the afternoon). it spoiled my day tho. Glad you took the time to consider what anger could really damage things around you

Yea I remember reading that post SP. However in my case, (Technically she is above me at work, but not my direct boss) However I was fed up with the way she spoke to me like I was a moron. So I not-so-politely told her how it angers me. I just do not like it when people insult my intelligence. (Plus she was trying to tell me how to do my job when she does not have a clue)

Anywho, I still realize that I should have been the better person and just ignored her. So... I am working on ways to calm myself. ~X(

[artguy34]

149 days and counting.

My urges are still there, but they are slowly losing their power. They are weaker, and instead of a stronger voice in my head, they are more of a whisper. But a dangerous one at that.

Ignorance need not be bliss.

The temptation I face is also losing power. When I feel an urge, I quickly squash it and I feel nothing. No pull, no lure for empty broken promises of satisfaction.

Truth be told, the last several weeks have been stressful as hell. There have been many times where I would have handled the stress by removing myself out of reality and into a fantasy world. Using the one thing I always had in my life to get rid of any feelings of stress, anger, pain etc. But these days have tested me and I have passed. I did not give in to what I always had in the past. I merely shrugged it off and focused on what I needed to do to handle the situations the right way.

As day #150 continues, I realize that I have the strength to succeed. Relapse is truly not an option...

And yes... my life is truly better!

[Desert Ghost]

Well Artguy you give me the strength to go on and I know that other look to your success and know like I do that their is hope in controlling the issue of PA and MB.\m/

[artguy34]

Thanks DG!

After posting in LLT's journal, I am brought back mentally to the same time my wife and I had a couple months ago. It was really hard to go through the things I had done. I am sad now, but in a way it's a good sadness because it brings to light the damage I have done in the past and... helps me realize that staying clean and being a better man for my wife is a much better life.

So I use this as one of many tools for fighting relapse...

[jrock123]

Artguy - you are doing so, so well and are a role model for the rest of us. you are only a few weeks away from a half a year!!!! I love the statement "relapse is not an option". it is such a strong indication that it is behind you and you have the will power to keep it out of your life for good.

Jim

[dave42]

This is key for me: "I am sad now, but in a way it's a good sadness because it brings to light the damage I have done in the past." I like this phrase "good sadness" because I think it's what I need right now: being awake to the waste, lying, and degradation of my addiction. That should make me sad, but it should also lead to healing. Thanks!

[Newlifeman]

Artguy,

I very much understand about stress, that has been a significant issue for me over the years, and rather than deal with it, I added it to my excuses and rationalizations bag for my PA. Congrats on the your 149 days? by the way!

I too look back at times also, feel the sadness at the pain I have wrought....but...it also serves to refill my resolve to never let it happen again. For me, failure is not an option! I have had so much returned to me....my wife, children, and a new relationship with God as well. I love this new life so much, it is unfathomable to think of throwing it away ever again. I still get down now and then, throw myself a little pity party...lol. But, now I find a way to deal with it, read a book, the bible, or tell my SO how I am feeling. It is not always the most fun, but we have resovled to tell each other when this issue is bothering either of us....because we know it is better (healthy) for us to do so.

Not sure where my thoughts are going here...sleep deprived! Anyway, want to let you know you are not alone with stress and keep up the great work at dealing with it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us!

Duane

[artguy34]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the warm thoughts! ^:)^

Like many times we heard growing up... "pain is an excellent teacher." I too look upon that as a good way to make sure I don't fall into the same trap again. Reading all the pain and anger my wife wrote about during those first few days back in september of '09 hurts, but it also makes me proud of where I've come from that point. And like you say, we don't want to go back there.

[artguy34]

Beware the Ides of March...

Ohhh I hate stress and the last three days I have been hit pretty hard with stress. I was scheduled to testify in court today and I always get nervous in front of slick talking lawyers. Makes me want to grab them by their throats and slap them around a couple two - three times. They love to twist words around and try to use them against you. Ughhh! Silly Bast*rds. Good thing I enjoy verbally pouncing on them when they slip and say stupid things. Plus it helps when I can physically crush them into a little weeble wobble! :D

Anyway, I'm just ranting cause it's my journal and I need to get this off my chest. I was soooo tempted this morning to MB and try to release the stress I had. Interesting thing is, I felt no desire to view P. That was a great victory in itself. However, the desire to MB was pretty tempting. However I found the strength to not fall prey to my temptation and indulge in a selfish act. And I am proud of myself for that. I am proud that after many days of stress free living after the several weeks of temptations to MB, that all of a sudden, I get a huge urge and I was able to fight it off. And the excuses running through my head were many.

It's only one time.
Nobody needs to know.
It's my body, I can do what I want.
It's only MB, it's not like viewing P.
It will release the stress and make you feel better.
Bla, bla, bla, yackity schmackity!

You get the point...

Suffice it to say that even nearly 6 months of sobriety, I was tested today and I am incredibly happy that this most difficult of tests came and I did not give in.

I feel like a better man for sticking to my beliefs. I felt great about myself when I was able to look into my wife's eyes today and know that I did the right thing. She doesn't know yet about my urge today. But she knows I was stressed and nervous this weekend. So much to the point that she jokingly questioned me as to why I was cleaning so much on Saturday. :D

I will talk to her tonight and let her know. I'm sure she was concerned as well because she knows me and knows how hyper I was the last several days. But it will be nice to discuss that I did not give in.

Yea I'm ranting, but so what, it's my journal. And today I have won a personal victory for myself. I know it sounds selfish, but I need to be a better man for my wife and family. Today, I took another giant step towards being that better man!

[heldback]

Yikes! why you testifying in court bro?!
I hope everything goes well.