My Journal - #34

[Mefree]

I'll second Daniel! I mean, just look at his MOTY of the year badge. Talk about class.

Job well done to both of you.

[artguy34]

Well it seems I've been away for several weeks, but i'm getting back into the groove again. Work duties and other issues taking up my time, but I'm dealing with it.

Well as I posted in a different thread, I made it to 120 days clean of P and MB. Looking back at my journey so far, I must say that it has been easy and hard. Yea, I know contradictory, but what was easier than I thought was resisting temptation to view P and MB. What was hard, was dealing with the guilt, shame and seeing my wife hurt at times. Trying to earn her trust back. Mending the damage I did to her heart. I wont lie, it is rough and there are some times we both begin to lose it.

Its hard to work on the future when many things can bring up the past and make both of us re-live the pain, anger and fear all over again. I know Crisodian always eludes to Pandora's post about failing forward, but it is very true. Unfortunately the most severe effect that PA will have is dealing with the wounds in the future.

However...

As long as the support system is there, and we are there for each other, we can work through many of the rough times. There are those times when she will "relapse" into anger and hurt feelings. But those are those times when I need to be by her side supporting her. Although I failed at it last week and we began to argue. We worked through it by eventually talking to each other and opening up our feelings.

Recovery is great, I feel healthier, but the journey is by no means a bed of roses. Anyone who has walked this path already can tell you. There are those days when you get so emotional that you dont know what to make sense of. However the goal remains in tact. Relapse is not an option, nor an excuse for anything. Life is never perfect, but I enjoy life more by being P & MB free.

[Athenon]

Tnx for sharing Artguy,

I was away for a few week also and I remember wondering if you were also doing well. I had no doubt that you would stand strong and in the path of recovery.

Happy to see you did. :)

I have to agree with you life free of P and MB is pretty good (I'm about 2 weeks behind you). For me I would say that life free of P and MB feels more than anything else like the real life...

[FoolishMind]

Recovery is great, I feel healthier, but the journey is by no means a bed of roses. Anyone who has walked this path already can tell you. There are those days when you get so emotional that you dont know what to make sense of. However the goal remains in tact. Relapse is not an option, nor an excuse for anything. Life is never perfect, but I enjoy life more by being P & MB free.

Amen to that!

I dub thee Ambassador of TTF!

FM

[StarPuppy]

Hey Arty, I am a man of little words but i have to say that i am glad that there is a good healthy communication between you and Crissy.

I have arguments with my girl BUT when we cool down and decide to open up to each other, we learn so much more. I totally agree with you that Life has its ups and downs and not just a bed of roses which makes the relationship bittersweet, Bitter when the disagreements come in but sweet when both couple can touch each other feelings and heart which makes the relationship stronger and loving

All the best Arty :)

[artguy34]

Thanks a bunch guys, I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement.

@ Athenon, Glad to see you're right behind me buddy! Keep up the good work so we can celebrate milestones together. Being P & MB free really makes a huge difference in life!

@ FM, so no longer artguy, but Ambassador Guy eh? :D

@ StarPuppy, little words can mean so much, thank you!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

artguy-

I am inspired by your "relapse is not an option" stance. My husband has that stance too. When he stopped talking about "if he can't do this" and started talking about his future and how he is never going back to this, even if I am not by his side, I felt more hopeful. I don't know what the future holds for he and I as a couple, but I am completely hopeful that he will be a healthy and whole man. I want that for him because I love him.

I quote you a lot on the forums. I know everyone has their own path to recovery, but I believe 100% that a married person's path to recovery does not detour back to the place that stole them from their marriage in the first place. I know it is not a bed of roses, but you are still walking a straight path. I know Crisodian is happy with that, and I am happy for you guys.

Here's to another 120 and beyond!

[artguy34]

Thank you WONLM,

Your words really have brightened my day. I too hope that you and NLM can work things out and find a path together again. It sounds like he is in the right frame of mind now.

Good Luck to you both!

[artguy34]

Ok thanks to several nice posts by some of you, my attitude is beginning to change for the better.

"Fear... fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering." Ah the wise words of Master Yoda. But seriously how can a line from a sci-fi movie hold so much weight?

Well it's true...

I realized yesterday that my anger level had risen pretty high due to some issues I am having in life right now. (And just for the record its not a PA issue).

While in this state of mind, I vented my anger on someone I work with. Although she may have deserved some of it, I still lost my composure and I do regret blowing up. With that being said, I am proud of myself that I do realize that I blew up and that I care about the fact that I lost my temper. In the past, it wouldn't have phased me one bit until much later on. So I see that as improvement in my moral behavior. (Baby steps, yes I know)

But those who know me, know that I am very tolerable and can take a lot of things until I reach my boiling point. Yesterday, I hit the boiling point. Now I plan to work on my anger and find ways to calmly diffuse my temper when I am in this state of mind.

But wait... there's more! (LOL, I hate infomercials)

Anyways, Back To Point... I also found out that anger and frustration are triggers for me that I haven't really noticed in the past. As I sat in my office trying to calm myself down, I felt this tug in my brain. I realized it as my old habbit telling me how much I don't like being angry and how I needed something to remove the anger and find something to put me in a better mood. (Oh those deceptive urges... *******s!)

So now that I can identify the urge, it was quickly shut off as I simply thought to myself: Whats more important to me? Addiction or My Life?

So I thought about the good things and remembered that earlier yesterday Crisodian and I got a call from our daycare provider and informed us that our oldest son finally asked to go on the potty! (And since we struggled with our son to go on the potty for a while, this was nearly like discovering the moon for us) So we celebrated and told him what a great boy he was!

It's Moments like this, that I truly appreciate why I am recovering and not taking anything for granted. Why relapse is never an option for me. But more than just my PA, I am working on a better "Me". My family deserves it, and just being able to go home, talk to my wife about the days events, be a tackling dummy for my two boys in the living room and just enjoying everything is a blessing.

Awareness, Control, and Determination... I keep these words close to me so I never lose them when the ugly head of temptation tries to knock on my door.

[StarPuppy]

it may be small news or perhaps irrelevant to the rest of us but we miss out on the small tidbits of joy our members bring to us. for example, your oldest son going for potty. Great news to hear from you and crissy..very soon, he would be a student scoring A+ in all his subjects and he might stand for presidency..lol :)

But anyway its all this tidbits of joy that we always overlook but if we do really look at them, they bring us a smile to our lips which it does brighten our day :)

Anyway, great to hear that you are one of the kinder souls on earth, i was telling Crissy the other day that how one of my superiors was having a bad day and scolded me (although i was partly at fault) and spoiled my whole day and she didn't apologised (she was much gentler in telling me how to do my work correctly later in the afternoon). it spoiled my day tho. Glad you took the time to consider what anger could really damage things around you

anyway have a great evening :)