My Journal - #34

[artguy34]

Simple Thoughts...

After not posting in my journal for a while, I just want to take some time to reflect on the past month. While December started out on rocky waters, the end result of the New Years brings hope and happiness.

We celebrated our son's 4th birthday, my wife's birthday and spending christmas with our relatives. All in all, it was a great holiday season. More so because we seemed to have found true happiness again. Sure, not everyday is all smiles and roses, but simple everyday woes are not major issues. We simply enjoy living day to day.

When issues come up, we deal with them together. We smile more, laugh more and cherish every moment we can. This is a true blessing for Christmas.

Moving forward, I have made two New Years resolutions:
#1 - I plan to read one novel per week for the year.
#2 - I plan to live healthier so I can keep up with my two energetic boys.

I will not however say that a NY resolution is to stay sober and clean from P. To me, that is a life change, not a resolution for one year. 98 days ago, I would have never dreamed I could have come so far and accomplished this much. Now that I have, I plan to continue to work hard to give my family the hapiness they deserve.

[FoolishMind]

That is such a beautiful post! 98 days ago neither you or your wife could have even imagined you would be were you are now, but through sheer determination you have turned things around completely.

And it really is the little things that stand out sometimes. Like you say we will always have tests, problems and disagreements, but its the way we deal with them now that is so different. I used to argue with my wife soooo much, and really show my dramatic skills worthy of an oscar!....now..well we had a disagreement the other day, I just stuck my tongue out at her, and she stuck hers back at me!

I honestly think one of your greatest successes in this is your ability to straight, and keep things simple. Of all the posts i have read of yours, you do not overcomplicate, and that is quality you must definatley maintain.

I bow to thee in respect.

FM ^:)^

[artguy34]

And it really is the little things that stand out sometimes. Like you say we will always have tests, problems and disagreements, but its the way we deal with them now that is so different. I used to argue with my wife soooo much, and really show my dramatic skills worthy of an oscar!....now..well we had a disagreement the other day, I just stuck my tongue out at her, and she stuck hers back at me!

Always with you, wise words come forth! (Ok so talking like Master Yoda is not one of my strong suits). :D Being 2 years sober and clean, yet still being strong enough to admit your fears? I think it is I who must bow to you! ^:)^

Yea, things are never perfect in a relationship, but like you said it is the way we deal with them now that is so different.

Thank you, as always you're support is much appreciated!

[artguy34]

Well certainly today is a day I am proud of... made it to 100 days without a single relapse. No Porn, No MB, No Way!

Actually 100 days, 15 hours and 16 mins... :D

Well enough about that, time to get into my thinking mode... so there was a post today about the stages of relapse that began to make me think alot about the past. About how far had I gone and how far was I willing to go?

Odd really since I do not have any desire to go back to the past and rehash what I had done. It was painfull enough, but to think about it again? Mmmmm... not so good, but I did it anyway.

I guess for me, P was a way to escape the real world for me since I was young. It was viewed as ok by my peers and friends, but never talked about MB because nobody wanted to get teased about it, even though everyone knew we all did it. I guess that was the real reason for hiding it all the time. If I got caught, then I'd have to face the embarrassment of admitting I was MB-ing. Then... get teased. Childish really, but that's how it was for me.

Up to this latest scenario when I was confronted this last September, I had always used MB and P as an escape from reality. Escaping from stress and anxiety or sometimes it was just a source of pleasure. No stress needed. Even now, I have thoughts about MB-ing, but purely for a pleasurable means of gratification. Not out of necessity. However I refrain because I know how one time leads to two, two to three, and so forth and so forth. Quite frankly, I enjoy the re-ignited hapiness I have now with my wife by sharing my life with her the way married couples should do as opposed to being selfish and satisfying my own needs.

However I never stopped to think how much pain my selfish acts were causing. Wait... yes I did know. In all fairness to my wife, I did know, but I was selfish and risked it because I didnt want it to stop. Which in turned fueled the deception, lying and continued hiding of all my activities. Its a shame really, that I wasn't ready to let go. That it took a lot of pain and suffering in order to find my way to reality. That I hurt the one person that was there for me the entire time.

But now reflecting 100 days later, clean, sober and thinking clearly, I am much happier with my life. Stress can come into my life and Stress can kiss my a$$. My wife loves me and supports my recovery, and I support hers too. We are a great team, and I view this year as the first year of the rest of our lives together.

[Mefree]

Wow.
Not sure what else can be said, AG. You did it once and you did it right.
Huge congrats on the big three digits!!! Don't ever stop!

=D>=D>=D>=D>

[lightseeker]

Hey AG,
I apologise i am yet to read thoroughly through your journal and have commented little, i think we started within the same week was it? if i remember i think you were maybe even the first person i posted to on here. I need to have a good look over your journal as since i joined this site your progress has impressed me a great deal, i try to work out why it has been so hard for me and what it was with you that has made you succesful, maybe having such a great women stick by you and forgive and support you through all this has been the key for you. I congratulate the both of you on reaching a better place, i pray it will keep improving between you and you never ever look back. Well done my friend!

[artguy34]

Thanks Mefree, I appreciate it buddy! >:D<

I look forward to a healthy life without P or MB... that is my vow to myself. Relapse truly is not an option!

[Daniel]

AG,

Fantastic post and such a Good News kind of update, thank you for that!

In the journey out of jail, you and I had very similar circumstances and experiences as I can immediately identify with your descriptions, particularly the reason you stayed underground with it all.

I am happy in the extreme that you here, Crisodian is here, and you are basically fast becoming shining examples of the possibilities when the PA and the SO say "enough is enough!" and take their life back.

Way to Go!

Daniel

[artguy34]

@ lightseeker,

no apologies needed my friend... I totally understand and Im glad to see you back with us! You give a lot to TTF and I hope it continues! >:D<

@ Daniel,

I agree, we are very similar and can relate to one another. I gain confidence when I read your posts and I can see the sympathy and wisdom when you help out PA's and SO's. You are a role model whether you wish it or not. ^:)^

I Thank you both!

[Daniel]

BTW, excellent new look on the badges.

Vorlan told me early this AM that you and Crisodian were the braintrusts behind the new designs. Nice work and thank you!

Daniel