My Journal - #34

[artguy34]

Well it has been a rough week for Cris and I, but we are working together to make this right. (Thank you Pandora and Statler)

Today after reading another post and responding to it, I am thinking alot about my own scenario. Recently I have been dealing with issues for which I have not truly addressed yet. I need to resolve my feelings of resentment towards my parents.

I am harboring some issues against my mother and father for many things they did. Even though I know for a fact, that they did the best "they could", I feel as if I was slighted by them for their own selfishness. I think back to when they spent many years partying when I was smaller. Always saying how lucky they were cause I was a good, mello child. But they didnt know how much I processed during their activities.

But my perception is that even though they couldn’t do much for me, they still loved me and tried. But now, I can see that maybe it was their own desires to continue to have fun and live a little wild that I resent them even more.

For years, I always thought of them as loving and caring parents who were supportive and encouraged me to be self reliant and grow as a person. After realizing my PA a couple months ago, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the things that could have possibly led to my addiction. So many instances in my life I could blame on my addiction, but the bottom line is… my addiction was only a source to obtain pleasure. So I latched on to it. The only other times I was truly happy was when I was on the baseball field, hanging out with my friends or having fun with my Star Wars action figures.

I see the difference from my upbringing vs. my younger brother who is 17 yrs younger than I am.

Me... I had nothing much materialistic but my parents were more active with me up until age 12. Then my fathers addiction took precedence.

But my kid brother? By the time he was born, they bought him everything they couldn’t afford to buy me. But... he had little or no involvement from them. At least I had a good 12 yrs of "real parents" where they were active with me. For him, he got a ton of toys and games, but they were not active with him. The result: my brother has "zero" social skills because he stayed at home most of the time playing by himself.

The only time he did anything really was when I was around and took him out to play ball, or sporting events/movies etc. Of course there were times he did play with other kids his age, but not nearly enough. Yea, I resent that too because I became a father more or less for my little brother. Not that I mind that, but my brother lost out by not having his father be more active.

Oh how I wished they would have at least seen one of my baseball games in High School. Go to a game where I was scheduled to pitch and when there would be college or major league scouts in attendance. I was always excited as I warmed up, but also sad and depressed, wishing that either my mother or father would be there to see me play.

Even in college, I wished that they would come out to see at least one game! To see what had become of the little leaguer they helped coached when I was 9, 10 and 11 yrs old. I showed them pictures of when I played in college, but still, to have them there would have been even better. But I justified it because my brother was born after I graduated H.S.. So I felt that they needed to concentrate on him and give him the love and support I received. But unfortunately, they became more interested in making him happy by buying him toys and babying him to death. And now? He’s a secluded, unemployed 20 yr old still living at home with zero aspirations.


One thing that my mother has said in recent years that I guess still ticks me off is she tried to scold me about being hard on my little brother. She actually had the stones to tell me that I didnt understand the pressure of playing football or baseball on the freshman team in H.S. like my brother did and try to get his homework done? Hmmm...? Sorry mom, you're right, I was only wrestling at varsity level and then playing baseball too, trying to earn a scholarship or get drafted because I didnt have money to go to a major university. Yep, I guess that hurt me a little... but I kept my mouth shut. Oh well right?


Ok, after reading this I do sound kinda petty, but it is my journal so I dont care if I vent a little. But I'll stop for now...

[Crisodian]

All I can say is you are taking steps now so that we are not your parents. I will not be your mom and you are not and will not be your dad. Our boys will have parents who are interactive, involved, and loving, not addicted and partying.

~C~

[artguy34]

You got that right hon, we may only be building lego's together now, but years from now, I expect to be building something greater together.

But it all starts with the here and now!

[cyberpunk]

Thanks for sharing AG. I think it is important to remember that feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. Trying to not have "bad feelings" isn't healthy or fair to us.

[castaway16]

AG and Cris, I really wish you the best with that. At least you were lucky enough to spot your parents' mistakes, to be able to avoid them with your children.

I don't really have any experience with marriage nor with parenting to give advice, all I have is to just wish you both Good Luck.

And of course, congratulations on getting that far on the PA front. Beautiful success.

Castaway

[FoolishMind]

Hey Artguy, Just been catching up with you journal, and I can relate to soooooooooooo much you have gone through! I was talking about you and Crisodian to Inshi the other day, and I have complete respect for the both of you, the way you have supported each other and understood each others requirements for your own recovery which in tandem creates a much improved solid foundation for your relationship. And judging by the "hunny bunny's" it is clear that this is very much in effect.

Amongts the pages and pages of complete honesty and wisdom you have posted, there is one thing that stands out to me the most, that very few have grasped from day one, that I beleive is the difference between success and failure , and that one thing is how you have been explicitly clear to you, your wife, and members on TTF that you are making a change for good! You repeated in several posts that 'Relapse is not an option'.

I wish I had spent more time reading your posts earlier as it has been an absolute pleasure to read watching what initially started as a broken and confused man, rebuild himself with strength and determination, to produce the end product of a man that commands huge respect, from the TTF community and clearly a wife that loves and cares for him dearly.

Please consider me a fan!

I bow in respect to you for sharing a very moving journey, and one that will educate and help others for a very long time.

Thank You

FM

[artguy34]

Wow FM, I know you mentioned you weren't feeling well, but this is beyond that! LOL! (just teasing ya)

Thank you for such a wonderful post! Coming from you, I must be the one to bow down in admiration. Those compliments were pretty deep! :D

I could say many things that are on my mind, but one thing I do need to make clear is that it is NOT easy walking this path to recovery. I hope anyone who reads my journal and the posts my wife Crisodian makes, realizes that we struggle at times to work through this. There are nights we both cry and feel that this addiction of mine is too much to bear. But we find a way to push forward to heal.

We do not rely on one source for recovery. We have many things working in unison to help us find our way through this. One of the biggest is communication. Even though we may not like what we hear from each other, we try to say what needs to be said with respect for the others feelings. It hurts at times, but it is necessary. Once we both get a better understanding, then the healing begins again.

We also receive a ton of support from everyone here. Without all the good folks at TTF we would have never have come this far. I can name many but you all know who you are. (Plus I dont want to forget anyone) :D

FM, you are correct... I am a firm believer that Relapse is NOT an option for me. It cant be! I have been addicted for most of my life, and what I am fighting is the "selfish" urge. Since re-evaluating my life and where I turn to for happiness, I am trying to "unlearned what I had taught myself over the years".

A Quote from Hunter S. Thompson comes to mind...

No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.

Now I focus on good things that make me happy. My wife and children being my top priority. Sure its not always Roses, but if you look at the simplicity of how precious children are, you cant help being amazed at how blessed you are! Reconnecting with my wife and seeing her smile again is my reward for putting forth the effort to change my life. Her love and support makes me WANT to change because I recognize now that it is not about me, myself and I. It is about sharing with the woman I love, and the family we created together.

My addiction was never about her, it was about my own selfish needs. Once I realized that, and began to learn to focus outward instead of inward, I truly began to appreciate the beauty of what we share.

Thanks FM, your encouraging words really mean a lot to me!

AG

[Mefree]

FM's New Year's Challenge:

13 minutes left in Christmas.
If my hasty calculations are correct, today is your 3 month sobriety anniversary! Let me prepare... (clears throat)...

WOW! CONGRATS!!

And on Christmas! It's hard to imagine a better gift than your life and family.
No relapses. Communication. Honesty. All that jazz. You know what's important and have established relapsing as not an option.
And for three months, you've succeeded.

That, AG, is INSPIRING.

I can only pray and struggle to make progress as you have.

And Crisodian's wisdom and understanding have pushed ALL of us here to not just resist PA, but become better people.
So my first person for the New Year's Challenge will instead be two people, because together they are one truly inspirational force.

Artguy & Crisodian.

Thank you both!

[Crisodian]

Thanks Mefree! That means a lot. :D

We made it through Christmas and 90 days clean. What a blessing. Today is 95 days clean.

I've said it before, and I will say it again here... there was no better Christmas present. Now on to the New Year and a clean 2010 to all!

Peace,
~C~

[artguy34]

First of all, let me say that its good to be back!

Now I hope to continue being more active like I was previously before the Christmas Holidays and the rush of work.

Thank you Mefree for your wonderful post and nominations for Crisodian and I. It really is heartwarming to know that we make a difference in someone else's life. I believe that is what this site is all about. Seeking help and returning the help to others. Giving is much more rewarding!

also...

I can only pray and struggle to make progress as you have.

Sure, you can pray, because it can help...
You will struggle because it is inevitable...
But... you WILL make progress! (As long as you believe in yourself.)

I am doing nothing special to fight my battles with PA. I use every kind of resource available to help me avoid just the possibility of a relapse. This helps me avoid getting sucked into the different stages of the relapse zone.

The biggest factor is the support of my wife through all of this. Not only have we talked about my problems openly, we have gone through the rollercoaster together. Truly walking this path with each other. When she breaks down and has a bad night, it affects me as well. We both suffer together, but we fight through to find a path to peace.

And we have not taken this journey alone... we both have others here that we have relied on privately to get through some tough times. (As I said, we use all resources available) and the knowledge that others on this site have is valuable to say the least.

Anyway, thanks again and my New Years wish is to live a P free life and enjoy my family no matter what obsticles come our way. Together we are invincible!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Holidays and I hope the New Year brings you peace and joy!

AG