My Journal - #34

[Athenon]

Congratulation AG and Crisodian !

You're setting a great example that recovery is possible for PA but also that recovery is possible in a relationship. Your implication in this site is much appreciated and valuable.
Thank you ! :)

[artguy34]

Thanks Cast, Athenon & Mefree!

Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me! As we strive to live a clean and healthy life, I hope we all can pay back the generosity of the ones before us by helping each other and helping the new members! Keeping this cycle of positive help is a necessity to bring this addiction to the forefront and hopefully we can educate many young adults about the dangers of PA.

Thanks guys! =D>

[artguy34]

Well today is day #66...

Ive made it 65 days free of P and MB. Does it get any easier? Hmmm, depends on how you look at it? Sure I get urges, but I guess its easier to fight them off than before.

I guess today is a day of reflecting. Thinking about something personal in my life and pondering many things that have transpired in my life.

I also mentioned to my wife last night how I was thinking about the decision to admit that I have a problem with P and MB. I guess I became frustrated when I thought more about my addiction and how I didnt see it earlier on. Why did it take so long for me to come to terms that I have a problem? Why did I have to hurt my wife so many times in order for me to finally get it?

And as supportive as ever, she bluntly tells me that nobody ever admits they have a problem until they are ready. Until we do some searching inside ourselves for answers. My wife warned me about dwelling on this subject because I may never find an answer as to "why" I didnt see this before. Yet I should focus on preventing it from happening again. Good sound advice!

My 66th day in recovery, i've never had a relapse, yet, I still feel that sickening pain from day 1. Im glad I do feel that pain to some degree. Puts things in perspective as to why I wanted to change my life around.

[Daniel]

Congratulations artguy!

65 Days.

Yes, the does-it-get-any-easier? is a ponderous question.

I would agree that "Yes" it does get easier. But in a way it also gets harder as you re-learn your equilibrium or tolerance for things versus the Katie-bar-the-door-ism from where you land right at the beginning.

Balance is the final frontier and caution is urged!

I too still have the sick stomach feeling of the day I was discovered and I watched my world crumble.

The memory is not as jarring as it once was.

And the motivation that experience provided, the feeling that "I don't want to experience that again therefore I will do the right thing..", that feeling is long since passed.

I simply do my best to make the right call for the simple reason that it is the Right Thing to Do!

I can make choices that will make my life easier.

Or I can make choices that will make my life harder.

This reminds me of an old comic I saw in the office one day:

"Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid."

I would add "stupid" in the sense of bad choices made and consequences endured but somehow never getting to the truth.

But thank God for His help in the journey. Never perfect but always willing to try.

I'm glad that you and Crisodian have taken up here so to speak, you're involvement (and C's +200 posts from last month -sheesh!), has been great for the TTF community!


Daniel

[artguy34]

Thanks Daniel! ^:)^ Nice to see you back!

And the motivation that experience provided, the feeling that "I don't want to experience that again therefore I will do the right thing..", that feeling is long since passed.

I simply do my best to make the right call for the simple reason that it is the Right Thing to Do!

I can make choices that will make my life easier.

Or I can make choices that will make my life harder.

I guess I can say that I have made it tougher on me by continuously thinking about what I did to hurt my wife. Trying to feel that pain to force me to stay on the path of recovery. For me it works, but you have a good point. I should make the choices for the simple reason that is is the right thing to do!

But I guess I feel that I deserve to feel the pain since I put my wife through so much more. Again though, as she warned me, I shouldnt dwell on the past, yet look forward to a better future!

Thanks for your thoughts Daniel!

[Daniel]

You're very welcome!

On the SO Pain issue. Yes. It is very real.

But in the end, you are not doing this for Her. At least, you shouldn't be doing this for Her alone or even allowing Her to be the main motivation.

Logically, if She is gone, then right back to the pit. Which would be the wrong move of course.

Let your motivation be firmly grounded in doing right for Right's sake. You can generate any personal motivation you want to, or a theological reason (even better in my view!).

I don't think you're basing your whole Clean Project on Crisodian, just a very friendly reminder to take a look at your motivation.

Soon enough I imagine your life "Good" to the point where you no longer question why you are on the path.

Daniel

[Crisodian]

I don't think you're basing your whole Clean Project on Crisodian, just a very friendly reminder to take a look at your motivation.

Well said Daniel!

Not that I plan to be gone, or leave at this point as I have affirmed over and over that I intend to walk this path with AG, he must do this for himself. Even though "my" pain motivates and drives him, there has to be something deeper in his own mind, his own "soul" (if you will) that keeps him motivated to reamin in recovery. Pain diminishes over time as the wounds begin to heal.

In my opinion, the reality of addiction is that, as it may get easier to battle the urges with time, it will never diminish. It will be ever present.

And as much as I love AG, this has to be about him.

Do I want him to forget what this did to me and us as a family? No. But I want him to be able to continue to look forward, and for all of us to heal, without reliving the pain over and over and over ....

In a recent conversation, we traveled a bit down memory lane. It was not a fun place to visit. There were a lot of "why, why why" questions. Will he ever know why? Maybe. Maybe not. But I do not think it is safe to dwell on the "why" constantly. I think it's ok to look, but not to stay. If that makes sense?

There may never be an answer. I told him my opinion...."why?" Becase this time, he was ready to admit and accept responsibility. For himself and his actions.

Until an addict looks in the mirror and admits they have a problem, and seeks help to help themselves, IMO, recovery will not be achieved. I speak from 15 years experience there.... and 3 years of my own personal h*ll before that.

I'm glad that you and Crisodian have taken up here so to speak, you're involvement (and C's +200 posts from last month -sheesh!), has been great for the TTF community!

I've said it before, but I really believe this place saved AG and I as a couple. If we can pay it forward to others struggling on their journey, then it is the least we can do.

And, re: the 200 posts...I'm verbose. What can I say? :P

~C~

[artguy34]

But in the end, you are not doing this for Her. At least, you shouldn't be doing this for Her alone or even allowing Her to be the main motivation.

Logically, if She is gone, then right back to the pit. Which would be the wrong move of course.

Let your motivation be firmly grounded in doing right for Right's sake. You can generate any personal motivation you want to, or a theological reason (even better in my view!).

Thanks Daniel, I appreciate your thoughts and I agree with you for the most part. I guess I am looking at this a little differently though...


For me, my recovery is based on many things.

• A) I want to heal myself
• B) I want to heal my marriage
• C) I want to be the best husband my wife deserves
• D) I want to be the best father for my children
• F) I want to be better than my father was

Coming into the light and realizing i've had a problem for most of my life is a hard thing to handle. But when I look at what I am working for, it becomes worthwhile. In a way, it is not only about me, but about everyone I love and care about. Its about fixing myself so I can be a good person inside and out and be there for the ones I love.

Maybe I have made it too complex, but for me it works. As my wife stated, "we traveled down memory lane" which was painful for both of us, but she is right, I was questioning "WHY" I had not seen this problem sooner? Im not going to dwell on it because I will fall prey to depression, but the pain I felt about what I had done was still bitter and sharp. And it is that pain that I use to fuel my recovery instead of letting it slip me into a depressed state. (if that makes any sense?)

And even though talking about the issue brought back painful memories, it was something I felt I had to discuss with her because we agreed to be open and honest. So I am fighting old habits of being withdrawn in order to keep things transparent between us.

So yea, this is not just about my P or MB addiction, it is also working on the old habits of covering up issues, depression, stress and lying which were all tied to my P use, but also byproducts of my addiction.

Because my wife has stood by me and walked this path with me, she has given me confidence to be open and honest with her without fear or retribution. Her commitment to not beat the crap out of me for everything has been tough on her. But at the same time, we are building a new foundation for our relationship.

I guess in the end, Daniel you are correct, I am trying to be a better man, trying to do what is right for the sake of being right. But this life change is not only for me... it is for everyone I love!

Thanks guys for all your input!

[Daniel]

Artguy,

Right.

You are in the process of healing, and everything and everyone else is the benificiary of your healing.

[castaway16]

Congrats again on reaching that point AG, and Cris.

I guess in the end, Daniel you are correct, I am trying to be a better man, trying to do what is right for the sake of being right. But this life change is not only for me... it is for everyone I love!

I like what you said there, AG.
For me, it's more of an apology for the people I love. Because, when, for example, I consider the situation between my parents, I would say that my father is sort of thinking of his wife a demeaning way, that she's not smart enough to find out about his "stuff". Then, I'd see what I have done in that context too. I'm demeaning everyone I love, everyone who respects me and trusts me.
Briefly, I'm trying to tell those people that " I am that good person you think of, and I'm deeply & sincerely sorry if it seemed that I was deceiving or underestimating you in any way". Just saying it by actions, not through (fake) words.

Thanks Daniel, AG, and Cris, for that enlightening conversation.

Castaway