My Journal - #34

[castaway16]

AG, I really liked what you said about "no time to bleed" and "feeling normal". I guess that feeling is what we are all striving to reach, so you're really almost at that other side of the hill !

Also, what Crisodian said about that process, although it may falsely seem easy, that it really takes a huge effort from both of you. When I first came here about a year ago, there were some success stories, and yes, it really seemed easy to do what they did. A year later now and I know what it takes to be successful at this !

I'm really proud of your success, if I may. And I hope you stay as successful and inspiring forever.

Castaway

[artguy34]

I also want to extend my congratulation to Crisodian for all the amazing support she's given you. :)

Thanks Athenon,

Yes, without her help, I wouldn't have even come this far. I would have never been able to do this on my own! She has been instrumental from the very begining. She could have packed it in and left, but she gave it one last chance. Almost 30 years of an addiction is hard to fathom, but with support, and a little bit of stubborness, I feel better about my chances. Believe me, there are stumbling blocks, but I keep thinking what my ultimate goal is, and that helps me persevere.

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AG, I really liked what you said about "no time to bleed" and "feeling normal". I guess that feeling is what we are all striving to reach, so you're really almost at that other side of the hill!

Also, what Crisodian said about that process, although it may falsely seem easy, that it really takes a huge effort from both of you.

Thanks Castaway, that really means alot!

I dont feel like I'm on the "other side of the hill" per se. I dont see it that way, I believe that recovering from this addiction will always be an uphill battle no matter what. It is our determination not to fall back into the "trap" again is what I think we strive for. Every day may take a huge effort from both Cris and I to make it through together. But as long as we are together, I feel we can achieve anything!

I appreciate your compliments and I hope you guys know that your kind words always inspire me to be better for myself, my wife and my family! I only hope I can return the favor!

[artguy34]

Post #15

Well its been 50 days now since I vowed to change my life and go P & MB free. 50 days without a relapse, and 50 days of fighting my addictions. Its not easy, but it gets better as time moves on.

Almost every morning I have urges to MB. This has led me down the path to view P. Normally I would habitually satisfy my needs and not think twice about it. But these days, every time I get that urge, I think of what I am risking to do so. So I ask myself "Is it worth it?" and the answer is NO.

But what about that little ******* of a devil who sits on your shoulders and says: "Whats one time going to hurt?" or "Nobody has to know?" or "Whats the big deal?".

Blah, I shake my head and grab my weapons of significance and read my trusty "Porn Trap" book to help get my head cleared. Or if need be, I'll read a copy of my wifes journal to keep me focused. No matter what my deterrent is for not MB, I rely on my tools to help me get by. Because you know what? Is it truly worth it? Is the self gratification worth the risk of hurting the woman I love? Man, hell no!

I have seen changes not only in me, but in my wife as well. I like the fact that she is now starting to let go of her anger and live healthier for herself. Sure, she has her moments when Im sure she'd like to bash my head in, but she does good keeping her emotions in check. And when she does need to vent, I am there for her to vent to. I may not like it, but I'll be damned if I try to run and hide again.

Recently we had a situation where in the past, I would withdraw and become quiet and distant. She would let it go and leave me be, becoming distant herself because she didnt want to start an argument. Well this time, I didnt run. I told myself that I needed to stop running from problems that occur. I needed to stop that "old habbit" from forming again because I know now that it will lead me down that road to relapse. And I dont want to go there.

Believe it or not, I found a trigger that was silent as a church mouse. Depression. Why did I feel this way? Maybe because I felt bad about what I had done. But the important thing was, I confronted my feelings and I talked about it with my wife. The conversation didnt end in a cheery mood, but it was still a positive conversation. One we needed, and one we both promised to have in order to work on our relationship as husband and wife.

The next couple of days, we began to feel better together. It was another positive step for us, regardless if it wasnt a happy conversation. The point is... we are working together and progress is being made!

[Daniel]

Learning to live!

Thank you for such an excellent and inspirational progress report artguy! Everyone should take note that indeed the efforts are well worth it.

Not easy.

But worth more than words can adequately describe.

Go Big!,

Daniel

[Mefree]

Hey AG.
I'm new to TTF (been around for four days) and I've already drawn inspiration from your dedicated story. I will strive to perservere as you have and hold on to what truly matters.

Also I'd like to you salute you as well, Crisodian, for sticking by him through this ordeal. P brings out the worst side of humanity, and it always makes me smile when an SO knows his/her partner's good side is worth fighting for.

Keep at it you two! The only person between yourself and happiness is you!

[Little lock]

Post #15

Because you know what? Is it truly worth it? Is the self gratification worth the risk of hurting the woman I love? Man, hell no!

Nicely said artguy. The progress you and Crisodian have made is truly inspiring, and both of you have helped out TTF alot as well:) I'm really happy for the both of you. P cannot break a dedicated effort by two people to win it!

[artguy34]

Thanks guys for your encouraging words. I dont know if we've helped out a lot here at TTF because we're still pretty new ourselves, but hey, if anyone can be inspired by reading my post, then it makes me even happier.

Many of you have helped me and Cris deal with my addiction and without TTF, well... we'd be in a bad place right now. If I can pay it forward to others, then that will be really gratifying. But I admit, I am afraid of relapses. I have relapsed many times before with P and MB that I worry that all the progress will be wasted one day of weakness. But I try to keep my tools ready incase I have a huge urge to fall down. Like all of you, I fight that demon every day. Sometimes its a twinkle and non significant, other times it comes at me like a 2nd and 12 all out blitz.

However, one thing I have learned in all of this, is that by talking to my wife openly, I learn to fight even harder. What I fight for is a lot more than just my freedom from PA, I fight for the priviledge to be married and loved by a great woman, and for the love of my children. And when you put things in perspective, my PA seems pathetic when I have so much more to live for!

I know that I will never be able to look at P again and be able to fight my urges. But then again, why would I want to? I've lived with this addiction for almost 30 years, I think its time I lived without it!

Thanks again everyone!

[artguy34]

So... the sober calculator says i've been clean for 57 days and 11 hours etc. I am close to meeting another goal I set out for myself. I am happy about it, but after reading more of whats being said by the SO's, I kinda dont feel like being all happy and cheery today.

I cant say I blame them, and reading their journals and posts reaffirms my shame for what I have done to my wife with my addiction. However one thing is for certain, I am glad my wife has been with me on this process and has been very understanding of what I go through daily to be a better man.

One thing I will say is that I am not ashamed of the person I am becoming while recovering from this addiction. I feel better as a person and I enjoy the fact that my wife and I are living together as a couple instead of strangers co-habitating. Seeing the differences now, it is amazing at how much my addiction had a hold on me. And the worst part was that it was silent. I couldnt even see that what I was doing was wrong and how it changed me as a person.

When you live with lying, it becomes harder to connect those lies together and keep up the false image we portray. But as my therapist had stated to me, "When you have no lies to worry about, all you have to do is just tell about things that really happened. Making honesty very easy in your life." And easy it is on our hearts and minds when we look at our SO's and we're actually living honestly with them. I hope (and assume) that my honesty with my wife in our everyday lives has made her life much better. I would like to think so by her actions around me.

Doesnt mean we're going to ignore the past, but rather we learn from it and keep it as a reminder of how bad things became. Keeping us focused on what we have to do together to heal and live better lives not only for ourselves, but for our children.

Day 58 is a Monday, a simple day in my life... but a nice day to reflect.

[Mefree]

Hey AG.
As far as I understand, today is your 60th day of sobriety! If not today, then tomorrow (I think). Anyways, just wanted to post my congrats and best wishes. Your ability to simply drop the addiction cold turkey for two months without a relapse is beyond astounding. Again, major congrats. You have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Your family will truly be closer together for the holidays this year, thanks to you and your wife's support.
Keep at it!
Regards.

[castaway16]

I want to second Mefree on that !

Congratulations AG ! And of course, congratulations to Crisodian too ! I'm sincerely happy for you two and I hope that one day I too could look at the past and say "yep, I'm glad I'm not there anymore..".

On this occasion, I think I should also thank you both, for bringing so much energy and hope to this community, and I hope you grow happier by the day. :)

Castaway