My Journal - #34

[Daniel]

artguy,

30 days is an excellent start! Congratulations.

I just now realized that Crisodian is your SO and obviously active here -that is really cool.

FYI, there are several other partnerships that I'll rattle from my memory: FoolishMind and Inshi, LuckyMan and Storm, Cyp and Sybil, BrokenRick and Amanda788, Bodget1974 and Abbie, and now artguy & Crisodian. I'm sure there's others.

In other words, I'm glad you both are here. I wish it were under different circumstances of course but meanwhile...

We can encourage each other in a very worthwhile journey,

Daniel

[lightseeker]

Well done guys! keep up the good work=D>

[artguy34]

In other words, I'm glad you both are here. I wish it were under different circumstances of course but meanwhile...

We can encourage each other in a very worthwhile journey,

Thanks Daniel, we appreciate it very much! I too wish it were under different circumstances, but then again, Im kinda glad it is under these very circumstances because it means we are on our roads to recovery. Better than the life of lies I was living in along with my fake world I created for myself.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but every day I wake up and realize that I have been blessed with a chance to make amends. (Usually happens after I reflect on what a schmuck I've been for so long). With that being said, every day is a new chance to make a difference!

[artguy34]

Post #12

Another week has gone by and now im up to 36 days of sobriety. It has been a while since I last posted a journal entry per se, but a lot has been going on. Still, everyday I try to find time to read others posts and try to get involved in a positive way. Yet another way to keep my PA fresh in my mind and not let me fall into a "comfort zone" thinking I have kicked the habbit.

Im sure we can all say we felt like that at one point or another right? Feeling secure, good about ourselves until one day we forget we even have a problem and then BANG! Relapse... Well thats what I read, and after reflecting on my past issues, I seem to have fallen into that pattern, so I figured "hey, why not change my method of dealing with this?"

So yea, PA is something I try to keep fresh all the time. One very good way to do that is to read a copy of my wifes journal when we had our "come out" arguement when she confronted me about my porn use. Of course I denied it! Like all PA morons, we deny everything until we come to terms with ourselves. Well re-reading what she wrote about me, and how she felt those first few days of "discovery" really helped put me in the right mind for kicking this nasty addiction.

Her harsh words really mentally slaps me in the face and makes me realize just how pathetic this addiction truly is. Here I have my wife, my best friend, my lover all in one, and I neglected her for some fantasy crap? All it was, was me being selfish and satisfying a need for myself. Not caring about her feelings, or what I was doing to everyone else around me. Slowly killing all life around me with my addiction, as things were falling apart.

Now since we have made a little progress in our healing, I am realizing that she and I work together much better, we handle life's problems much better and we are there for each other when the stress levels reach toxic. And I'll be damned if that isnt a better feeling inside my heart than PA ever gave me in my groin!

Well, now when I feel a tinkling of that urge, I realize that I am in the relapse zone, and I try to find ways to get myself out of that dangerous trek downward. Reading my wifes early entries in her journal serves me today as I strive to change from that man she saw over a month ago to the man she wanted to marry.

Yea, I feel good today because all of her hugs, kisses and support have meant the world to me...

[Athenon]

congratulation on your success Artguy.
36 days is impressive.
You seem to be very focused and that is in my opinion very important in maintaining continuous success in recovery.

Keep up the good work !

[Crisodian]

Now since we have made a little progress in our healing, I am realizing that she and I work together much better, we handle life's problems much better and we are there for each other when the stress levels reach toxic.

We've always made a good team. Now, we make an even better, stronger one.

Thank you for being strong and traveling this path. The journey has not been easy and it is, by no means, over. But I know we can make it.

Your loving wife,
~C~

[Daniel]

Well, now when I feel a tinkling of that urge, I realize that I am in the relapse zone, and I try to find ways to get myself out of that dangerous trek downward. Reading my wifes early entries in her journal serves me today as I strive to change from that man she saw over a month ago to the man she wanted to marry.

The Sound of Healing in Progress!

[StarPuppy]

Whenever i come into this journal, i am filled with envy that arty has a loving wife and also happy that love really triumphs over all sorts of evil

Both of you as a couple is proof again (as said by Daniel, other noteworthy couples) on how love from SO really does help the fight against P

Truly a success story :)

[artguy34]

Thanks Athenon, Daniel, StarPuppy and of course my wife...

Whenever i come into this journal, i am filled with envy that arty has a loving wife and also happy that love really triumphs over all sorts of evil

Well yes, Cris is my loving wife, but aside from her devotion to our marriage, Cris also understands what its like having an addiction from her experiences years ago. That is one thing that is hard for SO's to understand about us addicts. Unless they have experienced it for themselves, its hard for them to put themselves in our shoes and see how our world is. Not that I wish addiction on anyone, but this is part of the reason why she understands more and works hard with me to overcome my addiction.

Another part (and this is the biggest part) is that I have become open and honest with her. In addition, I have accepted that what I have done is MY fault, I have accepted the fact that I need help in my struggles, like internet filters and parental controls on cable stations. All these things in time will be eliminated (except for the K-9 software) but eventually I will have to be accountable for MY own actions.

Although nothing is perfect... I still have many things I need to work on. One of them is to initiate conversations about my addiction to my wife. Many times she will ask me about it, and it seems normal enough, but then if she continuously has to ask me daily how Im feeling, or if I had a hard day etc. it begins to make her feel like she is nagging. (understandable) So im trying to work on the finesse of starting conversations.

Now when I say finesse, I dont mean like sugar-coating my feelings cause that may seem like im hiding something. What I mean by finesse is the way we PA's bring up conversations when we're being open and honest. And think about this guys... how many of us have brought up conversations to our SO's and it ends up in a little argument or feelings get hurt? Well sometimes we need to be mindful of the content of what we bring up to our SO's AND how we say it. The tone of our conversations can really affect how our SO's deal with their recovery. Yet another thing to think about.

IMO I dont think we as PA's can truly heal ourselves and move forward unless we help our SO's heal during our process. And nothing is guaranteed. Our SO's may take 5, 10 or even 20 yrs to heal? Who knows? But as long as we keep our promises to change our lives for them and ourselves, the journey will get better as time moves on.

Thanks everyone!

[castaway16]

Yet another powerfully inspiring post AG.

Congratualtions on getting to 36 days man. Of course if I can provide help by any means I won't hesistate for a second, but currently, i think I can't do anything more than "watch, and learn" !

Keep it up AG ! For your wife, yourself and for the rest of us. :)

Castaway