My Journal - #34

[artguy34]

Sorry about the lengthly time away. So many things going on, but I guess it's great to be busy with real life!

As far as my progress goes... I've been clean and sober for 300 days today! (Well, 299 days and 16 hrs) according to the Sober Calculator.

Needless to say it feels great to be able to come here and share this with all of you. But I will say it all hasn't been smooth sailing since the revelations. One thing I have learned is that this road to recovery is going to be tough at times. There are going to be times when our SO's get that "feeling" that something isn't quite right. It's like an SO trigger to set their minds thinking that we are relapsing or going back to our old ways. Even when we're not.

But... as I say this, I do understand that we as PA's are to blame for those feelings because we did create this mess. So I try to be understanding. Again, I fail at that many times as well. Sometimes when Crisodian tells me she senses something is wrong, I get defensive about because I haven't done anything wrong, yet it is the same reaction I used to have during my addiction. So it becomes tougher to try to prove my honesty. Its one of those things that Crisodian and I try to work on daily.

However, it is not to say that we don't have good times either. In fact, we have more good days than bad. Living life the way it is supposed to be lived, doing things together. Personally I think our marriage is stronger now. So instead of worrying about my addiction, I am more concerned about renovations to the house and enjoying playing with my children and seeing them happy!

300 days down, and a lifetime to go of clean living! :D And yes, as time goes on, it does get easier to live without P or MB. There is a life worth living and enjoying!

Thanks!

AG

[StarPuppy]

Hey bro..finally you are back..its great to hear that you are clean for 300 days xD

I understand what you mean, its hard to gain back the trust when one has been hurt so deeply..oh well..preservation does the trick :)

anyway its great to see you enjoying your marriage and the family

Stay Strong and Stay Happy o:-)

[Daniel]

Now there's a sight for sore eyes!

Welcome back AG!

Not that I haven't been expecting you... I knew the pressure would either push you here or you'd get a migraine (ha ha) -Crisodian has been straight-forward about her encouraging you to provide an update.

And this is just excellent to hear. And what I expected too -a nice and sincere vote of confidence to you.

I completely understand that 6th sense aspect of the SO. Mrs. Daniel gets those too. And sometimes for good reason as you can see in my journal a few posts ago. I intentionally tested boundaries and this 'skating' thing got out of hand... I was playing games with defintions of P/not P; providing this to you as the subtle temptations in recovery become the Next Big Thing to work on. They wouldn't have been a second glance in the old ugly days but are the new thought to have to deal with farther along the journey.

When you're clean you're clean and the record will stand for itself and whatever scrutiny Crisodian (or Mrs. Daniel) wants to put on it. I try to simply be at peace and comfortable (not defensive as you already recognize can be a suspicious reaction) knowing I'm doing right.

Continue enjoying life and those beautiful children. These days go by only once!

Great to hear from you. We won't mind if you make a casual committment to check in once a month or every-other month (hint).

Trunks of Memories Still To Come*,

Daniel

[*Neil Young, Long May You Run]

[changingman12]

hey daniel,
you helped me out when i was here last. Its good to see you're still here and a active part of the community. :) you give hope to everyone here
thanks

[FoolishMind]

Thank you very much for the well overdue update AG, is this just a pop in then, or a will you be squeezing in a more regular posting session into your weekly schedule?

Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge Congrats for acheiving the big THREE ZERO ZERO ! Awesome acheivment, for both you and Crisodian.

Like you, I too can relate to the SO's sixth sense, and like you, we understand that, how many times were thing cool, and then we would be caught again, its their natural defence mechanism from being hurt tooo many times.

Time is the healer on this one, and Im glad to hear your marriage is stronger, and it will only get even stronger as time goes on.

Wishing you the best, but am genuinly hoping this is not a pop in visit.

FM

[castaway16]

Hi AG,

It honestly made me happy to read about your progress. Another exemplary addition to the TTF team of heroes. Or, in your case, team of heroic-couples. ;)

Congrats Artguy and Crisodian !

[artguy34]

Well it's been a long time since I posted something relevant in my own journal. I guess I have been avoiding it for a while. Why? Because I am having mixed feelings about reaching my first year clean and sober. So I need to just puke emotionally in my thread.

On one hand, I feel great and almost would like to celebrate that I have made it one full year without a single relapse. As of today, I am 353+ days clean and sober.

On the other hand, I am brought back to that time and place last year when my "world came crashing down." (To use Daniels phrase)

I can still remember looking at my wife and seeing the hurt and pain that I caused her. Its that look that I don't think I will ever get out of my head. Plus, just thinking in my head just how rediculous this addiction is, that I am considering being happy and celebrating normalcy for living one year of my life like other people. Like I SHOULD have been living. Kinda stupid really.

But... playing devils advocate, I have made it one year. And... I have never relapsed. I guess I should be happy for at least THAT! At least I was able to keep my promise, and doing it by living a normal life which is expected of most people.

I guess I do not like the prospect of facing my demons on my 1 year anniversary. But hey, I created this mess for myself, so now it's time for me to Man-UP, grow some stones and face the harsher side of this recovery.

Believe me, Crisodian and I have talked about this briefly and we both share the same feeling that this is bittersweet. However, what we have gained over this past year can never be measured. And as a couple, we have gained a new lease on our marriage. One I intend to keep going until we're old and gray.

But one of the biggest benefits I have realized is that I am ending the cycle of PA. My children will not become part of that cycle. And for that, I am really proud of myself!

Ok, rant over.

[JenMac]

Artguy!
Congratulations on one year!! (almost?) One year of renewed committment and appreciation for not only your lovely wife but your children and all other aspects of your new found life!
Feeling conflicted, I think, is normal but if you think of it in what you have gained, what you have learned to hold dear and protect with your continued growth and resolve to work your program, then you should indeed feel proud of yourself! A pat on the back is quite appropriate and deserved!
And congratulations on keeping your promises! That is to be admired in anyone!
Jenn

[artguy34]

Thanks Jenn, I really appreciate it.

I know I should be happy at the progress Crisodian and I have made this past year. And we both have made significant progress, not just me.

I know I have more things I need to work on, but the common factor that helps both of us work towards a better marriage is communication. With living clean and having nothing to hide, I do not have to worry about what I am saying, or what if I make a slip up? I can just live and be normal. (If that makes any sense?) I feel that at this stage in my life, I can finally let go of my fears and discuss ANYTHING with my wife. And that IS priceless!

One of the issues I know I need to focus on is my anger and defensiveness. I've always had anger issues since a child. Growing up in my neighborhood, if you do not defend yourself, you are simply a target for the gangs to pick on. So I grew up fighting and having to defend myself on a regular basis. Having been a PA for all these years just exacerbated my defensiveness and anger issues.

So now that the countdown is on for year 1, I look forward to accomplishing more goals during year two, living life and cherishing those close to me.

[chasman62]

AG:

I just want to remind you to think of one other positive thing and that is reaching out to the many newbies (like me just a month ago) who came on here hoping for the best and fearing the worst.

You were the first recovering PA to acknowledge my existence here and I want to thank you for that. This site has become an essential part of my recovery and it is thanks to people like you and your SO.

Absolutely celebrate the first year of your new life. Put one on my tab because I absolutely owe you one!!

Cheers

Chas