My Journal - #34

[dave42]

Congratulations, ArtGuy! You are a great role model for me. I think your point that your temptation turned into a gain when you overcame it--that's very useful. Keep up the good work!

[Daniel]

Good job Artguy!

That is just thing for building your confidence going forward and maintaining that good will you've built up these last 6 months.

Rock On,

Daniel

[artguy34]

Thanks guys! I appreciate the vote of confidence.

@ heldback: I had to testify in court in a lawsuit. (I am only a witness for my company, but it's still stressful) :D

Considering some of you guys have been sober for over a year, if not two, I still have ways to go. However, I felt it was getting easier and I questioned that fact to myself. Well I faced a good test yesterday. Now that the stress level is over, and my adrenaline has subsided, I am more "normal" and yea, life is much easier to deal with.

I guess the way I look at it, it's nice to be tested like this once in a while so I don't fall into a "comfort zone" thinking I have nothing to worry about. Albeit, I do not care to be tested often. I'd rather like living without the thought of MB. But it's hard when you've lived with this monster for almost 30 years.

Excuses aside, it's nice that in 6 months I am able to fight an addiction and win many battles.

[artguy34]

Well I was browsing the forums and I came across this quote and it made me think a little bit...

As I have been reminded that whatever our rational self knows, so does the addict self. So, we must always be aware that no matter what plans we develop to combat this addiction it is also known to our internal enemy the addiction. That is why we truly need outside help in dealing with this our addiction. Because if you continue to believe that you can do this alone you will fail again and again, until you reach out for help.

Interesting thought there, so reflecting on this I wondered to myself just how devious my internal enemy is?

Well for starters, I give my internal enemy the one-fingered salute!

As I live with this addiction, I try to make sure my "internal enemy" knows what I have ready. Part of it is plain ole stubborness. But what I truly find interesting are the side effects of this addiction and recovery. These days, I am tempted but I can easily fight off the urges. (stubborness and a steady diet of remembering where I have come from and where I am today.) Sometimes our addiction doesn't attack us head on. And this is what I want to share with you all... sometimes I feel that with our addiction, when we finally acknowledge we are addicts and are seeking help, we are fighting an entity head on and we know our enemy.

However... some of the side affects that we may not realize is the short anger and moodiness that consumes us. I have felt many times. Today in fact I became angry and bitter. Yea, someone pissed me off, but my anger was stronger than the issue at hand. So now thinking about this... was my anger a byproduct of my addiction? Because I am not giving in to my addiction, does my mind react too swiftly to replace the rush I used to get?

In all honesty, I don't know? It could be? But I am writing this now to get my anger out of my system and see if anyone else thinks along the same lines? It's ok if anyone disagrees, I am just curious if others have felt the same way?

On another note, I agree with DG about not being afraid to ask for help with this addiction. Asking for help can go a long way towards recovery. However... make sure you're not dependant on that help. It is one thing to have support through this, but it's another thing to expect others to lead you. As addicts, we need to be accountable for not only our past actions, but we also need to be accountable for our own healing.

Well, just something I was thinking about this afternoon! Trying to be aware that we as addicts do not take our anger out on other people. Especially the one's we love dearly! Especially our SO's!

[dave42]

Well, I certainly have an anger issue. I'd never thought of it as a producing a rush similar to the rush from my addiction, but I have thought of it as a way of rousing myself when I'm half awake in the morning, so you are probably on to something, Artguy. I feel that my anger and my addiction are connected, but I don't understand the connection. I guess what you are calling a "rush" makes sense--it's maybe another way of describing what I just described. hmm...I'm going to think about this.

Doing it by ourselves...hmmmm....I'm really getting into the 12 step SAA program, and the very first step is to admit that I am powerless....It's complicated, and I certainly don't pretend to understand it, but I believe the idea is to accept this paradox: I want to get clean, but I can't get clean. I'm powerless. I need a higher power. For some that higher power is God, but others have said that the higher power is the SAA group--or in our case, the TTF group. Again, I'm not an expert on this. It's just that I find satisfaction in admitting I can't do it alone (because it helps me explain and deal with the shame of so many, many relapses in the past when I thought I could do it alone.) I'm not sure how important the distinction is....Daniel has commented that he has a completely different take--that he asserts his powerfulness in dealing with his addiction. I guess I'm just grateful for anyone who has more sobriety than I do and especially for people who have a lot of it!

[artguy34]

I made another post in reference to this, but I also wanted to post it in my own journal. 180 days and counting. Yes, 180 days without P or MB.

It seems so long ago, yet the pain is still as sharp when I think about day 1. I know if it still stings for me, it must be sharp and painful for my wife. But we are doing ok. We are living life and working together. That is all we can ask for.

Is my life better without P? You damn right it is! :D

[Daniel]

That's awesome Artguy!

Savor the moment(s)!

Daniel

[StarPuppy]

Hey Arty ,
Great 180 days clean and i hope all is well with the family..its been long since i heard from Sis Crissy..

Anyway I notice that P/MB DOES contribute to our anger..i don't know why but i feel that P has made me very superficial and i am sick of it..why do we guys compare beauty of women we barely know and those who love us dearly..anyway Congrats once again :)

[Desert Ghost]

Hello Artguy, I haven't seen you on the boards lately. Hope that life is treating you kindly.

[FoolishMind]

Where have you dissapeared to dude? an update is well overdude!

FM