The Path To Purity

[lightseeker]

As i am putting MB and PA in the same box my aim is to end MB completely, i desire it but i dont need it, what i need is to save myself for my future wife and she has the right to satisfaction from me, how can i fulfill that completely when i am giving myself to this evil!

This is not going to be easy and i am sure to slip up but if i am always making progress even but a little then this is good!

This is my second day now without MB, i have been tempted today by seeing a beautiful actress on tv, but i stopped myself.

I think the first week is incredibly hard, i am already feeling the urges to break my covenant - must stay strong!

[lightseeker]

:-<Feeling so depressed today, i slipped up last night, after hours of starting this journal with a positive attitute i fall back again. How can i be so weak?! 2 measley days! Where's the control, will power, discipline? I think i have underestimated how hard this will be, so i start from scratch again, i said small steps so if at least i can abstain for longer the next time it will be a small progress.

Todays feelings: Depressed, angry, tired, lonely, ashamed, guilty

Trigger: Watching a film, sexual scene triggered the road to no return.
Other factors: Late night, alone, sexual urges to look at porn hours before it happened.

What could have been done: Movie and late night isolation could have been avoided!

[StarPuppy]

its great that you note all the trigger issues. Don't worry about the relapse..maybe you could do the reward trick..you know reward yourself to a treat if you passed a week or a month and work it up..great advice from the guys in TTF

:)

lets fight this demon of P again :)

[lightseeker]

Thanks star puppy il give this some thought but i think the reward will be in how my emotional and mental state improves, my plan at the moment is just to try and abstain longer each time until i can reach a stage where i notice a significant change in my behaviour and wellbeing, i think the longer the abstinence the More i will be able to appreciate the benefits and it will make me stronger the next time i get urges.

[lightseeker]

Coming up to my 4th day without MB, i havent looked at actual porn but have been tempted twice after seeing some triggers on tv. Today was a bonus for me, usually saturdays is the worsed day of the week, totally alone at home usually spending few hours browsing porn, today i managed to avoid it - Thank God!

So made progress on my previous slip, hope i can keep it up for as long as possible!

[StarPuppy]

great job lightseeker, so what do you do when you are at home? what are your interest?

:)

[lightseeker]

:-<Slipped up again today, MB and Porn- was so determined to reach 2weeks at least, but fell prey again. I dont know what to say to be honest, how do i feel? Well how can i sit here and feel sorry for myself! I had ample opportunity to stop myself, many times saying dont do it dont do it stop now, but what the heck happened!? The other half of my brain overides it, does it ever get to the point where the addicted part of the brain submits to the want to be free side? Why is it so hard to stop when you know deep down that you dont want it?

I almost reached 6 days this time so it was an improvement on last time at least.

Feelings: Frustrated, annoyed and angry at myself

Triggers: Female in music video, boredom, porn flashbacks.

[lightseeker]

StarPuppy, not a lot to be honest just bored bored bored at moment, unemployed and looking for work, being at home is frustrating enough. Mostly i am trying to practice martial arts, and study.

[Daniel]

lightseeker,

Congratulations on your starting the climb to freedom.

I can see that you desire to break free in your frustration at slipping up. This runs counter to what you're probably feeling at the moment or what you definitely feel after a relapse, but do not let the post-relapse emotional low keep you down.

When you fall, you acknowledge the failure, identify the conditions that conspired against you (sometimes we arrange the condidtions so they will conspire against us I understand), plug the holes in your Action Plan, and literally move on. What's done is done. Try your best to learn from it so you are better equipped next time a temptation comes down the line.

The most effective immediate-results action to the temptation, particularly when in front of the TV or PC, is to simply stand up and walk away, after shutting things down of course.

The art and science of staying free is a learned process, and the hard way, brick by brick, minute by minute, hour by hour. There are no shortcuts unfortunately.

The one common denominator throughout the entire process, from here to the grave, is to maintain the desire to be free.

As long as you want it, internal struggles acknowledged here and set aside, you will be free eventually; it's only a matter of time.

Hang in there!,

Daniel

[StarPuppy]

StarPuppy, not a lot to be honest just bored bored bored at moment, unemployed and looking for work, being at home is frustrating enough. Mostly i am trying to practice martial arts, and study.

I agree it is boredom that is the devil workshop which makes us very easy to P relapses

I think the main issue here when trying to avoid P is the motivation to stay off P when we lose our patience/motivation, for example, not understanding a formula when studying and thus a break = P relapse

However i try to do things really slow so as not to frustrate myself, i am picking up the piano(keyboard) again

I find that getting f the house,even just a walk down to the shops or a walk in the park can be so much beneficial but when P urge strikes,its not easy..haha

Good luck in your battles :)