Lion's journal

[lion]

Hi

I have been seeing P for almost 10 years. I have tried to quit many times, but always relapsed.

I came across this site over a week ago. I have been clean since 27 July.

This is when it usually becomes hard. I can manage about 10 days without M.

I hope I don't give in. I want to quit this habit badly.

Today morning, I had a strong desire to see P. I saw a bit, but stopped. Whenever I have a feeling of seeing porn, I read the links in the resources section about the lives of P stars.

I want to be strong. I want to quit forever.

Lion

[Daniel]

Lion,

You can do it.

But it will take some serious work, even more serious committment, discipline, and determination.

Again, if you're done with the pain, you can do it.

And you will probably have to shake your personal situation up pretty hard so that you will stay out of a self-imposed bunker where using is easy and at the same time very hard to resist.

Think about your triggers and how to avoid them. Consider some steps you can take to control your web browsing and use.

Distraction is the tried and true method to avoid the immediate-term temptation.

But after distraction comes the hard part of changing your overall thinking and renewing your mind from the way it was to the way it oughta be.

You can do this too! Keep posting...

Daniel

[lion]

I just relapsed. It's been two weeks, which is an improvement. Earlier I never went over a week without P.

I saw very little P in the morning, then stopped. In the afternoon, just seeing a normal movie, which had a bit of adult content got me off.

After two weeks, my head is filled with thoughts about the things going wrong in my life. It's very hard to resist at that moment.

My trigger is mainly on Saturday and Sunday, whenever my brother leaves the house for some hours.

I guess my next test will be after 2 weeks. I will try my best to be sober for the next two weeks.

Lion

[lion]

I relapsed again. I'm still feeling quite confident that I can do it.

[lion]

I relapsed twice in the last 2 days. :((

I really need to think of a different approach. I'll think about it.

[Vorlan]

Hey Lion,

Don't get yourself down about relapsing. Beating yourself up won't help. You can beat this but it won't be easy and you have to plan carefully.

As for a new technique I'd recommend you:

• Firstly write down EVERYTHING that triggers you. Even really obvious stuff like partial nudity on adverts and the like. You'll be suprised how many triggers there are!

• Secondally go through each individual trigger and work out exactly how you are going to avoid that specific trigger. For example if a show you watch on TV has risky content at times you might consider not watching it to keep safe or if you are often tempted late at night on the computer you could restrict your time on the computer to daytime. There's always a counter to every trigger and the more you think about this the easier it will get.

• Thirdly have a plan as to what to do if you get tempted to look at P. The devil makes work for idle hands so the last thing you want to do is sit and think about it. My advice would be log onto TTF (as I can see you do already) or go outside for a jog or walk to clear your head. Exercise works well as it releases endorphines (might have spelled that wrong) which cheer you up and help take your mind off P. It's also a healthy way of dealing with stress which as a side effect gets you fitter! :)

• Fourthly try to fill your time. I don't know your schedual but my problems were vastly increased as I had a lot of time when I was bored on the computer. This is asking for trouble. If you make sure you are keeping busy throughout the day it fills what was your P time and also makes you tired in the evenings so it's easier to sleep rather than spend the night looking for P.

• Fifthly keep positive! This is probably the most important thing which helped me recover. Negative thinking doesn't help period. Try to look on the bright side and focus on creating a brighter P-free future for yourself. I find helping people on TTF is a good way of doing this as it makes you feel good about yourself as you are helping people and fighting P at the same time. Also don't try to take everything at once, don't focus on the weeks or year, focus on the days and hours. Every day clean is a victory so focus on that. It helps to keep your spirits up and to keep you clean as well.

I hope that was helpful to you though I'm sure you've heard a fair amount of it before! If I said anything which sounded inconsiderate or mean I apologise as that was not my intention.

The best of luck to you! :)

Ben

[lion]

Thanks, Vorlan.

These 3 weeks have been very bad for me. Sometimes, I turn into this 'auto' mode, and I don't realise so many days passing.

I think the biggest trigger for me is stress. I don't really need something else for me to start looking at P. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, or when I come back home from work, feeling stressful, I just start looking at P immediately.

I will list out all the things that causes stress, and solve them one by one

Aakash

[dave42]

Hey Lion, I am glad you identified stress. That's a big trigger for me, too. I am curious. I understand stress after work, but I was wondering about stress in the morning, or maybe I misunderstood it. Actually I suppose I get stressed out on certain mornings myself.

Let's see that list, if you feel like sharing. It might help me figure out my own list. Here's a start of my stressors.

Sometimes:

1. I feel angry at supervisors at work. Under-appreciated and over-worked.
2. Feel fat and ugly, so I just say, "What the h***, might as well look at p."
3. if I'm trying to lose weight, I've many times said, "Okay, I'll look at p to compensate for the food I can't eat."
4. I feel my sex life with my partner is practically non-existent. Might as well have some sort of sex life, even it it's just mb and p
5. I feel, "Life is so short. I'm 44. I'll be dead in another 40 years. Might as well enjoy life by looking at p."
6. I feel very, very stressed about my studies and my family responsibilities. I want to be irresponsible, instead of being a good, solid guy. I want to misbehave.

Okay, anyway, hope you are doing better. We have all relapsed a million times. Hang in there and stay strong.

[Desert Ghost]

Thanks, Vorlan.

These 3 weeks have been very bad for me. Sometimes, I turn into this 'auto' mode, and I don't realise so many days passing.

I think the biggest trigger for me is stress. I don't really need something else for me to start looking at P. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, or when I come back home from work, feeling stressful, I just start looking at P immediately.

I will list out all the things that causes stress, and solve them one by one

Aakash

It sound like you are having more then trouble with stress, it sounds like you are more than likely dealing with mood swings. An if that is the case I would suggest homeopathic treatment if you don't want to be medicated. Because some of what you have stated in your journal I can relate to and I have found that taking homeopathic supplements I'm not having near as much stress, because I'm not having the mood swings like I was.