The return of castaway

[2frustrated]

It's amazing the excuses we make for ourselves to justify an addiction. It's embarrassing to think about all the convoluted justifications I came up with for p use.

Thanks for sharing your progress.

[castaway16]

So here I am, 36 days in recovery, and I've had more than one epiphanies during those days, most important of which was about lifestyle.

About 2 weeks ago, I caught myself skating a couple of times. I realized back then that :

1. When I spend a whole day completely focusing on not relapsing, I'm bound to eventually relapse.

This is easy to understand, and easier to forget. I shouldn't feel like I'm less productive when sober than I am after a relapse, just because I consume all my resources into focusing on recovery. It's times during which I'm idle with no particular goal that are the most dangerous. So since I decided I'm quitting, I should focus on what I really want to do.

In other words, while I used to think there's a post-recovery me that would happen some time in the distant future after staying clean for at least a year, I realized this other me is not bound to a certain number of clean days. That person starts the moment I decide so, and it's that state of mind and productivity that helps me stay sober not the other way round.

(Note: If you are still following, you have special powers.)

2. There are many signals that I'm heading to a relapse that I can catch much earlier than "skating", and even earlier than the "not lowering my gaze" phase.

I realized the cycle of "sobriety->skating->relapse", is not an isolated behavioral cycle. It's a natural outcome of a complete lifestyle that's coherent with the whole behavioral system. For example, I have stopped drinking soda a few years ago, especially cola drinks, to maintain a healthier body. Every now and then I would say to myself it's ok to drink small amount, but sometimes, this line of thought keeps snowballing till I see myself drinking a liter or more in one day. That's excessive indulging, not just enjoying one small can of soda. You get the idea. Day after day, the bar gets lower, and naturally, a relapse is impending. The thing is, it becomes a natural thing to me not to resist whatever it is I'm trying to avoid, not just p. I don't know whether that's 100% true, but I'm sure there's some relation. So currently, when I catch myself buying a soda, I become fully alert. I may buy it, and I normally do, but I remind myself of what lays ahead so that I don't over-indulge. Same story with over-sleeping everyday, ... etc. All of those are daily exercise of repeatedly saying "No" to yourself.

(Note: If you really are still following, you're a wizard, with special powers, and can function on a non-human level, and I thank you)

[castaway16]

Hi.

Sixty-something days. I was going incredibly well, especially during the last month. Today though, right now, I'm struggling with very very strong urges. I caught myself 'skating' a few minutes ago, and I thing I'm not focused right now. I hate it when that happens. And struggling urges wastes valuable time for me. Moreover I'm sitting alone right now, crazy that I am. I'll shutdown my computer now, and go out to the movies with a couple of friends.

Just a reminder: You've been there before, being alone during such times isn't good. Wastes time, gets you closer to relapsing and on a not-so-long run, isn't worth it at all. Run for your sanity. Run.

-Crazy Castaway

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

How'd you do?

I see you disappeared for a while, too. But you came back a lot sooner than I did. Kudos to you for doing that.

Anyway, I see from your last post that you've been having a bit of a hard time. Wherever you are or however you're doing, I hope you report back soon :)

AE

[castaway16]

Hi.

Thanks a lot AE for your reply.

Unfortunately, I fell off yesterday. I'm deeply confused right now and not in a very good mental state. I was actually thinking of not coming back here now, but here I am. Writing now is many folds more painful than I've imagined.

[note: this is probably going to be a depressing post.]


I know where I went wrong. But it still kills me to discover that I'm still that weak.

TTF friends and family, I am deeply sorry for how my journal has been but a record of successive failures up till now. I know many of you find it hard to keep taking me seriously or believe me after all this time, and thus may find it difficult to keep supporting me, and I don't blame you, in all honesty. But I swear, every time I said : "that's it. No more .." I meant it. I really did.

So where did I go wrong ? Yes, a few posts back. The infamous 'skating'. It happens like that every time I fall. Whenever I let myself go there, it's like a hole has been drilled into a solid structure. All it takes is one tiny fracture, a small groove, a tiny hole, the hole starts getting bigger gradually, the fracture gains length at faster speeds, and finally, the structure collides. Every time I type the term 'skating' I know that it's just a matter of days before it becomes more than that.

Currently, I'm at loss as to what I should do with myself. I'm sure I want to quit. But I also don't want my sobriety to be that fragile. I don't want an impromptu incident to lead me to p!

Anyway, to prevent brain damage, here's my new strategy :

1. During idle time - when most troubles happen - I will do one of the following:

• Read one of the few unfinished books I have
• Do some coding. (Reading and/or writing)
• Listen to music / explore new music.
• Write a new blog post.
• Take a walk if possible.
  

2. No staying up too late, unless there's something urgent that needs to be finished.
3. Always remember the following :

• I'm strong - or at least I want to be - giving in is for the weak.
• p is low. Really low. I don't want my mind to have anything to do with it.2012 has to end with me cured. There still 10 more months to go, and they have to be clean months.

[Daniel]

Castaway,

It's not the drag of going off the cliff again, it's the Manning Up on coming back in and swearing off the behaviors, making amends, adjusting the strategy, and NOT QUITTING. That's the big deal: You fell, you got up, you continued the fight to freedom.

We've all been there, as any honest PA will testify. And there's no use beating up oneself, but focusing on the future, preparing for the next trap, making plans now what you will do then so you do not have to be tactical, but already have a plan in place.

Hang in there, we're pulling for you,

Daniel

[Disillusioned]

Hi Castaway, Welcome back to TTF. I am hoping that the newer members will heed your warning or learn the lesson now, that this addiction is for the rest of their lives. You cannot just walk away and forget it. The path in your brains is already there, and it doesn't shrink or get cobwebs or weeds from disuse. It is always as ready and waiting as the come hither sirens of fantasy.
Best luck in your recovery.

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hey Castaway,

Sorry to hear about your crash. Relapses are really, really hard. But here's good news: the fact that you feel as horribly about it as you do is a GREAT sign. It signals that your better self is gaining strength. Whenever I have been in the worst periods of my addiction, I stopped feeling my episodes of acting out. I would indulge, and then think, "Ah, what the hell," and put in the habitual few days of sobriety, or maybe even a week or more, then find myself with no real strength to resist the temptations when they came again.

The pain you feel is motivating. The fact that you pushed through your despair, to come here and write, even though it's the last thing you wanted to do--that's a powerful thing. It is more powerful than your relapse. You net positive, my friend.

Some advice: I think your list of commitments looks good, but I've discovered that I so often stake out way too much for myself to think about or control post-relapse. I get full of fire and fury, and decide I'm going to DO EVERYTHING RIGHT. This is a mistake, I promise you. You might do pretty well for a few days, and feel good about it, but you'll be hounding yourself, constantly, and eventually you'll spend all the willpower you have, and, either gradually or all at once, you'll become exhausted, and you will repeat the cycle.

Instead of trying to fix everything all at once, spend some time meditating upon which one thing you should focus on for the next little while. If you believe in God, pray for help to decide what that one thing should be, and then set about making it a habit. Each time you succeed in that one thing, you will feel successful, and motivated to continue. This will set up positive reinforcement, instead of unleashing an unending supply of self-abuse as you fail to meet unreasonable goals.

Once you've got that one thing down cold, pick something else. Of course, do your best to follow the other guidelines you've set for yourself, but don't sweat it if you come up short every now and again. Just focus on one thing at a time.

For instance, I noticed that my addictive tendencies were manifesting themselves with a severe Internet addiction, even as I successfully avoided pornography. I would stay up late reading articles, watching funny videos, browsing Wikipedia...you name it. I was spending hours every day, and I knew I couldn't afford the time I was spending, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. So I made that my focus. There are TONS of other things I feel like I need to do every day, but the thing that I really press myself about is limiting my time on the Internet. As a result, all those other things have become easier, because I feel more successful.

I hope that helps. Sorry this post is long. Good luck and God bless.

AE

[castaway16]

Thanks a lot Daniel, Disillusioned and AE. Your posts certainly made it easier for me to get past the last slip.

I'm in a better state of mind today thank god.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey castaway

So nice to see you again my old friend. sorry to hear that you kind of went of the cliff, but, it is nice to see you back to get the needed help in recovery.
This addiction is a tough one, and it can come to us at any time, at any place, and at any moment. So just do what you can now, to prepare for the next time it comes knocking at your door, wanting to come in for a visit.

I am glad that you are back. so many have given into the temptation, they use this addiction again, and they never come back here. But not you my friend. you come back, you man up to what had happened, and you just get right back into recovery. You are going to do just fine. All I can suggest, is PLEASE don't stay away for so long. I know in your heart you feel that this sites helps you, because if it didn't, you would not be here telling us what happened in your recovery. So just try to keep coming here, so we can help you so much more, so maybe this will never happen again.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know, that I am very proud in seeing you again, and I will do what I can to help you. Good luck to you in your recovery

Gerald