The return of castaway

[StarPuppy]

Hi all !

I haven't posted in a while now. It seems like lately I'm always running to get stuff done, yet about a week ago, after about what, 75 - 80+ days ? I have found the time for a relapse. But that's not the problem, the problem is that some how I couldn't think of any reasons to pull myself together and deny those devious thoughts.
It's like, my 'good fellow' was forced to take a nap so that the reasoning for a relapse, however weak, would be just enough for me to give in.
Anyway, I'm still persistent on the thought that this process should be simple, afterall this is the best result I yielded thus far.
I can't really pinpoint where I went wrong, however, I'm going to be blunt and say that back then I was happy - in the moment of course - that is, p gave me momentary happinness - as it may do for many.
But then I compare this kind of happinness with another, more sophisticated one. Which is that great feeling of having conquered myself, the toughest of all battles.
It's obvious that a positive, spiritual source of happinnes would easily kick *** when compared to a purely objective and materialistic one.
you may be thinking now : What's with all the baffling ?
It's just that I'm trying to make things clear for me. I really need that reason ! something strong enough to hold me back when I'm falling.
So, in another round of 'searching for the reason', here I am stating that I choose the 'real' happinnes over the deceitful one. It's all about spirituality vs materialism.

Hope I didn't bother you much - me resets the counter : 1 day.

great job on hitting 75 days. It doesn't matter you slipped and had to reset the counter but its the determination that to fight it counts, stay strong and tell us if u need help :)

Lets fight this together >:D<

[castaway16]

Hmm .. I don't know what's happening, My 'resistance' is kind of weakened it seems. And I really need to wake myself up.
I'll try to post here more often to keep myself on track.

[castaway16]

I've just finished a post in FM's journal, and I felt I should come back and write here some more. Thoughts just kept pouring through when I read through the journals.

I have to admit something, I wasn't really sure that posting more in here would make any difference, I don't know why I thought that, it did make a difference in the past !

While I'm writing now in here, I really feel that I'm getting stronger with every new sentence. (man do I need to write LOTS of sentences now !)

Anyway, there's something that's been troubling me lately, that's quitting P & MB altogether. I've said that I don't consider MB wrong, because I really didn't find any reason to, other than it may lead to P if it were excessive.
Now that I had put my theory to the test, here are the results :
I'm back to square one and I'm losing weight (I'm already slim and can't really afford to lose weight), I don't know if it's because of MB but I'm pretty sure it contributes a significant share.
I found out also that if I stayed abstinent for some amount of days and then indulge myself to MB that I'd get back all the urges again (!) which is weird because what was intended to be a way out of those urges was, once again, leading to them.

Obviously, MB is no good for me, in the present at least. Maybe for someone who had achieved great self control and has been clean for a year or two, but it's sure not a choice for beginners !
Obviously (again), the answer here would be to quit P and MB.
But, here's where I think I really need help and/or advice :
I'm not married and premarital sex is never a choice that I would make, and I'm not intending to marry someone soon. So when an urge kicks in, I start thinking: "maybe I should MB ? After all I'm not married, so it's OK for me to MB." What I need to know here is, do people really get depressed if they went for long periods with no sort of sex at all ? What do I do to be able to stay away from both P and MB ?

Sorry for the long message, but, obviously (for the third time :P ) I need help !

[StarPuppy]

I've just finished a post in FM's journal, and I felt I should come back and write here some more. Thoughts just kept pouring through when I read through the journals.

I have to admit something, I wasn't really sure that posting more in here would make any difference, I don't know why I thought that, it did make a difference in the past !

While I'm writing now in here, I really feel that I'm getting stronger with every new sentence. (man do I need to write LOTS of sentences now !)

Anyway, there's something that's been troubling me lately, that's quitting P & MB altogether. I've said that I don't consider MB wrong, because I really didn't find any reason to, other than it may lead to P if it were excessive.
Now that I had put my theory to the test, here are the results :
I'm back to square one and I'm losing weight (I'm already slim and can't really afford to lose weight), I don't know if it's because of MB but I'm pretty sure it contributes a significant share.
I found out also that if I stayed abstinent for some amount of days and then indulge myself to MB that I'd get back all the urges again (!) which is weird because what was intended to be a way out of those urges was, once again, leading to them.

Obviously, MB is no good for me, in the present at least. Maybe for someone who had achieved great self control and has been clean for a year or two, but it's sure not a choice for beginners !
Obviously (again), the answer here would be to quit P and MB.
But, here's where I think I really need help and/or advice :
I'm not married and premarital sex is never a choice that I would make, and I'm not intending to marry someone soon. So when an urge kicks in, I start thinking: "maybe I should MB ? After all I'm not married, so it's OK for me to MB." What I need to know here is, do people really get depressed if they went for long periods with no sort of sex at all ? What do I do to be able to stay away from both P and MB ?

Sorry for the long message, but, obviously (for the third time :P ) I need help !

Hey dude, I was thinking of your post and i felt that i needed to post my thoughts..normally i just lurk b-) and post some small sentences..haha

anyway personally i feel why the reason we keep relapsing is that

• We have nothing to do/don't feeling like doing the mundane task and our Mind becomes the Devil's playground

• We don't have any SO/ our SO does not understand our need (sexually and emotionally) as well as we do and with that we relapsed

• We have nothing to look forward to staying clean

So the answer to your question is that keep yourself busy, join activities, (add me on MSN, i am always online, I am a Internet Addict :P) , i think if we are really busy, we can't relapse to P that easily

anyways, Stay Strong :)

[castaway16]

Thanks StarPuppy for the support, I really appreciate it. Sadly, though, I don't use msn :/, but hopefully I'll be around here more often.

Today will be my 4th day of recovery. in the last three days I've tried something mentioned here on the forums, whenever I got a 'devious thought', I would pinch myself so hard that it takes my mind off the matter and force it to focus on the pain. I guess this was suggested by FoolishMind ? It's really brilliant, as it's subtle, so you can do it in public and no one will even notice you, and it's very efficient.

Another really important tip was given by Daniel in his journal ; "No Compromise". Combine this with the pinching thing and the first few days of recovery and you'll have yourself a swollen body in no time. :P

Seriously I can't be any more thankful for those two pieces of advice. They do miracles !

[Robert E.]

Hey man its so awesome you are back and ready. Im here anytime you need me brother. Good luck and god bless! Good luck studying.

[castaway16]

5 days .. Argghh, That's why you don't compromise !! I was over 80 days clean for crying out loud !
Anyway, I just thought should check in here for a while to kick a possible urge away, "Hayyya.." (Karate-style yelling).

I have a question and really want to know what you people think of it:
How do you know that it's over ? that you're no longer a PA and that you'll never go back to that hell hole again ?

I think never. Although I'd certainly like it if there were some sort of a reference that would define success in such a struggle, I think it's possibly a daily decision and not an expected result.
I hope I'd find more optimistic opinions.

[dave42]

hang in there! It's a tough, tough, tough addiction. I tend to agree: "I think never." I don't find that depressing. But do you? I mean, I hope you don't. I think the way you phrased it is beautiful: "a daily decision"

I think that this IS optimistic, but I can see that you might hope for something better....Sigh...,Castaway, it's rough, huh...But we are all cheering you on. And your soul searching is like a flashlight that helps me search my soul.

[StarPuppy]

5 days .. Argghh, That's why you don't compromise !! I was over 80 days clean for crying out loud !
Anyway, I just thought should check in here for a while to kick a possible urge away, "Hayyya.." (Karate-style yelling).

I have a question and really want to know what you people think of it:
How do you know that it's over ? that you're no longer a PA and that you'll never go back to that hell hole again ?

I think never. Although I'd certainly like it if there were some sort of a reference that would define success in such a struggle, I think it's possibly a daily decision and not an expected result.
I hope I'd find more optimistic opinions.

i know it sounds cliche but i feel that we will know from the satisfaction in life. Lets take FM as a example, he is one of the perfect example people in our forum, he has a supporting SO, a new baby and i suppose a great job i guess, i am sure he has his up and downs but its the simplicity and satisfaction that stop people from viewing P.

If only we could really take pride in our lives and pat ourselves when we do a simple good job such as finishing a hard essay or helping a elderly cross the road etc

I am sure you have something to look forward to Castaway. After all you did a great job, don't give up! Stay Strong :)

[castaway16]

Thanks a lot, Dave and StarPuppy! I was a bit down just before coming here. Both of your replies really cheered me up.
@Dave : Yes, I agree it's kind of rough having to let go, but I guess that's how we grow up, spiritually, maybe. Still though, I'd want to keep reminding myself daily that it's really no big deal to be able to make it through and stop "whining" ! (Did I say I should grow up ?)
@StarPuppy : Totally agree. And I'm grateful that I have things to look up to, I'm genuinely happy with most of what's going on in my life, and I guess I'm lucky in that aspect. It's just that I feel I a bit ''empty'' on the inside sometimes. I think it's everyone's problem in here, or at least, it's a VERY common problem, that is, a PA feeling like he's living a double-life; that there's the good him most of the time but then there's the evil/bad him that comes out in the dark ! ..

Status update : 11 days now.
I hope those resets are no more !