Pipster's Journal

[buscando]

I know, isn't it annoying about the 'parental controls'? When I tried them once, they made the whole computer seem evil. Knowing they were there made everything seem so ominous. I am convinced that progress does not lie in these external controls.

However it does lie partly in having normal human company, knowing other good people who are not inveterate time-waters without vision.

But mainly, who we are and how we perceive ourselves determines how we will interact with the environment. A diligent monk could pass right through a porn shop without the least curiosity. A dissipated vision-less drifter can't stop thinking about pornography even when surrounded by good company.

[pipster22]

This is finals week. naturally, i am extremley stressed out.

unfortunatley, i have been 'flirting' with the relapse zone way too much. thank the lord for my parental controls, or i would have relapsed so many times by now. because i can't handle the internet at this time i am going to get rid of it completely.

i will be letting my laptop run out of battery and then keeping it off for as long as i need. i am hoping it will just be during finals week, but if at the end of the week i feel that i am still not ready to get it back then i will continue from there. "finals week" is really just today and tomororw, since i have friday off, but it only takes one slip of the mind to lose my 37 sober days.

starting this friday is spring break. i am so excited, but at the same time nervous. i know i will have free time, and also free time when i am home alone. it makes me nervous when i think about how much i have been pushing the envelope as it is. i just can't handle having my own laptop right now.

i will keep reading updates on TTF from my phone, but for some reason i am unable to post via my phone. hopefully i will be back this friday, but as of now i just can't predict how i am going to feel.

i hope everyone has a safe and productive week!

-pipppppyyyyyy

[23mole]

Just giving a shout out to you Pipster.
Hold in there, I know its rough. I am on day three and just getting through a whole week can be rough and near impossible these days. I know you can beat this. As for the laptop and probing the parental controls, all I can leave you with is a quote from watchmen, "no comprimise, not even in the face of armageddon." Good luck on both your finals and your trials.

23mole

[pipster22]

Thank you mole, i got your message that day and it was greatly appreciated. :)

Finals week was a struggle, however i somehow came out well! I did great on my finals and ended up with amazing grades which i am so pumped about. the unfortunate thing is that this past finals week i picked up a mb habit, which is typical of a stressful week. i found i would be physically and mentally unable to do my homework until i had mb'd. which, bceause it was finals week, i just let myself do. i haven't mb'd now for two days so hopefully i can keep that going and even get past a week this time.

the no laptop thing worked well for me. i appreciate it so much more now and feel i am much less likely to abuse it by 'flirting' with temptation. i actually unblocked youtube, which in the past has proven to be a huge trigger. i feel that i can handle it as of now, but if that changes i wont hestitate to re-block it. i guess i am testing the waters. i mean, it is my 40th clean day and i feel like i should be able to start giving myself a little more responsibility.

i have been feeling so much better over all. i have not been depressed in about two weeks, which is absoloutley amazing. i think i have almost forgotten just how bad the depression was, which is a bit worrying. i dont want to forget where i am coming from because thats one of the main things that is keeping my clean.

my current worrie:
i am getting my wisdom teeth out tuesday. this = lots of down time at home. although i do have some homework that i can do (even though its spring break!) i feel like that wont be enough to keep my occupied. it makes me scared because i have read multiple times on this site of people relapsing even after having a good stretch of recovery because of an ilness that has kept them in. i really don't want that to be my case.

i feel myself re-entering the real world. i have been talking to my parents a lot more, just casual conversation, but it makes me feel so good. i feel like i can finally have the power to change my diminished relationship with them. i will keep updates on how that is going.

thats all for now, hope to write again soon!@

-pippy


random story for anyone who cares:
i had a super bad experience today, almost horrifying. i was out n about and some friends wanted to smoke (not cigs), which i have done a few times in the past - not a big deal. so it was all set up, and we smoked - i didnt even have that much. IT WAS HORRIBLE! i had ridden my bike to the place and it was awful. i dont even know how to describe how i felt, but it was certainly something i had never experienced before. i had no control of my body and i couldn't feel anything. everyonce in a while if i slapped myself i would come back to reality for a moment but then spiral back into this high. i dont know if this is whats supposed to happen.. but it scared the hell out of me. i tried calling the cops cause i thought i was dying but the call didnt go through.. thank god. story of my life. DONT SMOKE POT

[Bird-boy]

I'm really glad that you are still working good in everything, and that you're out of the depression. I'm out of my depression, too, more or less, but I'm also worried about forgetting why I don't want to do p ever again.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out a couple years ago--all 4 in one sitting. This was back before my P use spiraled out of control, but I'm pretty sure that you'll only want to sleep for the recovery days.
I recommend staying awake during the surgery and not being put to sleep, because I heard that people may feel drowsy or loopy-ish after waking up from the anesthesia. But since you'll be having spring break, I guess it won't matter--you will probably be sleeping anyway.

Good luck with the wisdom teeth, and a continued good luck with everything else!
-BIrdboy

P.S. EEE! That's great that you decided not to go back to pot. That sounds scary what the THC chemicals did to you.

[23mole]

Congrats on 40. As for the wisdom teeth, get some ice cream (non-chunky, creamy stuff), about three movies from blockbuster or wherever (probably don't have to say clean), and you'll be fine. Personally I watched FFVII advent children, die another day, and idiocracy. By day two you will probably be sore but by day three should be back to normal. Your doctor will probably say to avoid certain foods. I didn't pay attention and then I woke up one morning with the LARGEST PAIN IN MY MOUTH EVER. As for avoiding P, between the pain, planning, and your drive I don't think you will have a problem. Good luck.

23mole

[pipster22]

Bird - forgetting why we are here is seriously my biggest weakness right now. if we forget why we are here, why we are trying to quit, the horrible depression we fought out of, we have a pretty high chance of relapse. i try to never let myself get too excited about my sobriety. honestly, i may be on day 41 right now .. but tomorrow can always be day 1 yet again. what i have done in the past is just read some of my early posts. theres no better way to remember where you are coming from than actually re-living it. it's extremeley hard, but so necesary.

mole i am definetly going to be listening to the doctors! i have many friends who didnt listen to them and ended up with dry sockets - which apparently are not something you want. i really hope i am only down for two days! that would be great. i have heard it can be anywhere between 2 days - 2 weeks.. yikes!

i heard after the surgery you are so tired all you want to do is sleep. so hopefully thats true and i won't even want to be on the computer. if i do have energy, though, i have a huuuuuge ridiculous book i have to read for school - so thats always an option.

mole and bird,
you two have been a huge part in my recovery.
THANK YOU!

[pipster22]

WOW.
Apparently it was waay to early to unblock youtube.
its currently 11:03 now - i will give the short version of my night.

- came home 6;00
- posted on ttf
- ate dinner
- plans for the night got canceld, not overly bummed
- facebook/upload pictures for a good hour
- started youtubing
- searched for sketch videos for a long while

thankfully, my parental controls blocked all hardcore stuff. it was basically like watching all the dirty parts of every sexual movie that i knew of. somewhere around 1030 my mom told me it was time for bed, i was extremley horny and sex crazed. i came back into my room and got onto the admin account. i went to google images and x'ed out. i then made a crucial decision: i will mb and then come back to view the p.

i play this crazy trick on my mind when i am in hard situations like that. i say i will mb and then after if i still need to view the p i will. obviously after i have mb'd p is not on the top of my list of things to do, instead i came here.

although i do not consider this a relapse, mainly because i was able to stay away from all hardcore websites/images (which i am actually quite proud of), i do feel this is a set back.

i am proud yet dissapointed in myself.
i am proud because i was able to deny myself the hardcore videos/images, which in the end saved my recovery.
i am dissapointed because i found out i clearly cannot handle youtube, which was really nice to finally have back. it sucks but i clearly need to get out of this 'flirting' phase. one of these times will end in relapse unless i take control.

its so frusterating because at the beginning of the night i wasnt horny at all. all my horniness came completely from youtube, which was completely self-inflicted. GRRRRR its like i torture myself all night looking at things i know i can't have. \

(sigh)
i am now going to go re-block youtube. i am also going to block google, which is definetly going to change my laptop experience. obviously google is a internet luxuary used for much more than just p and will force me to use my familys main computer for homework etc. until i can get out of this dangerous phase i am not going to give myself any lee-way. i am on the admin account now so i am going to go block the sites and get off as quick as i can before any more provocative thoughts get into my mind.

[Bird-boy]

Sorry about your set back.

I don't feel like talking much because I'm tired and think I shouldn't be on the computer any longer (for today).

Thanks for your advice in my journal. And you're welcome.

[buscando]

Hi Pipster!

I think you should have some activities that go beyond uploading photos and looking for things on the web. Why don't you go to the library and read in some different areas, just browse around? Find a new interest. Perhaps you can find a mentor at school who can give you some advice about that field. Have an aspiration. Go beyond poking about on the Internet.