Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

Things are really picking up. last week was a very bad one, but so far this week is definetly looking better. the sun is out and the snow is melting. today the temp was in the low 60's, which is just amazing. i am feeling so much better and can only pray this happiness will stay this time. spring time helps my depression so much. instead of coming home after school and being locked in my house all night, i am able to be outside running biking walking with my friends.

although i am feeling so much better, i am still having a hard time coping. this is the exact time of month when i lost what was most precious to me last year. its hard because not only is it my first 30 day mark, but the season is changing (which always makes me think of it) and on top of that this is the exact time when i lost it a year ago. all these emotional components are really making me hurt. but i always keep it in the back of my head that this is the grieving process that i should have been going through a year ago.

it makes me so sad/angry to think that because i was too weak to deal with these emotions last year, i ruined the last year of my life soaking myself in pornography.

things that are keeping me going:
* easter with my family- i want to finally be able to talk to them without feeling ashamed, depressed, or blocked my a "smoke screen".
* spring - it makes such an impression on me to think that it has already been a year of hell. if i relapse now, whats to say it wont be another year? another two years? 10?
* end of my senior year - i will not be home very much at all this summer. these are the last months i will ever live at my house. i don't want my final memories to be depression and pain. i want to try to fix the broken relationship i have with my parents, before i go to college. one of my biggest emerging fears is that when i go to college i will never be able to fix my relationship with them that porn as destroyed day by day.

so, although things are getting better - i will not forget where i am coming from or where i am going. even though its so painful, i think everynight about relapse. i force myself into the situation. i let myself get excited, eroused about the thought of relapse. i go through the relapse process. then at the end, i show myself how it would feel. to relapse the billionth time. but this time, this time so much more is at stake. i will have just lost every single thing i mentioned in the list earlier. even the thought makes me want to die. i just can't do that to myself.

i pray things continue to get better, or even stay the way they are now.

i would wait forever to have this addiction be out of my life.

PIPPY

[pipster22]

Im really flirting with danger here.
i find myself - trying - to search for images on google search.
the keyword being trying. i have so many parental controls up, i really can't get much. its just upsetting because for me there are only three steps:

google image search
- switch accounts to ADMIN -
youtube video search
- relapse on favorite sites -

i have only gotten to the youtube stage once, but it still worries me. i am so thankful i have these parental controls, without them i would not be at where i am now. although google searches (with the highest filter setting forced on) are fairly innocent, they only give me more trouble. after doing a google search i am sex crazed for the rest of the night. tonight i was able to stop at google search fairly quickly and even avoid mb for the rest of the night, which i am pretty proud of. i hardly ever find myself even at the google image stage, but it scares me when i do. i am wobbling on the line of relapse. i must stay strong. one month mark.

[rugbysteve]

The good thing is that you came here instead! This might be a good time to suggest installing a web filter again. K9 works great for me and its free: K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software
Of course, it's not perfect, but it adds one more layer to go through. I understand being "crazed" after a little taste. Perhaps it would be good to have a plan to simply move away from the computer when you accidentally stumble upon something that sets you off or if you find yourself flirting with your boundaries. Have a back-up activity planned... something simple just to give you a chance to calm yourself down for a few minutes before getting back on the computer. For example, I have a book (that I should be reading anyway) that I use as my cool-down escape. But it could be as simple as "go watch (safe) TV" for 15 minutes, or walk around the block and get some fresh air.

Hope this is helpful,
-steve

[Bird-boy]

For me things like walking around the block aren't accessable to me, because my dad probably wouldn't let me be outside when it is dark (plus, it would be around midnight and who walks around outside at midnight (at my age [16])).

There is always going to be a lot of options available to us though, if we think them up and choose to use them.
Like, maybe you can walk on your deck and get a breath of fresh air.

Don't be upset with yourself--just let yourself get back to a comfortable point, where you can sit down or whateverelse and feel alright.
:)

[23mole]

Heard an interesting thing at church: that you can not repeat the lord's prayer 7 times without switching from one side of your brain to the other. He was a weird guest pastor and I am not sure either of us has all of the facts straight but maybe come up with something that derails the current thought from one path. Frankly on the big day that I fell I saw a clip from a movie that was over the top (not P but decidedly unsafe). I walked for ten minutes, talked to other people, but when I got back home... WHAM it was like a ton of bricks. I guess you just need to come up with something that really changes the whole way you are thinking at the time. For some it is excercising and burning energy (I used to do this and it helped and I should go back to it) or listening to music (which I use more often know) or maybe just saying a mantra that reinforces and reminds you of what you are trying to quit. Just like how P flips a trigger in the brain, chances are, there is something that flips a switch that does the exact opposite. Just have to find it, easier said than done. Good luck.

23mole

[pipster22]

First of all,
i want to say thank you to Bird Boy, Steve, and 23mole.

you guys have helped me so much. it truley means a lot to me to know you guys are right here with me along for this ride. thank you so much. your advice is seriously a huge key to my success. it makes me feel so secure to know you guys are here. THANK YOU!:)

this past week was so much better than the one before. i kept myself busy everyday after school and it went by so fast. i excercised everyday whether it was biking running walking or working out, and it has helped so much. it feels great.

tonight was a bust, socially, i am home at about 10 pm but i guess thats how it is sometimes. i must keep my head high and continue. i wanted a cigarette so bad tonight, but it didnt work out.. which i am know partially thankful about. i realized an addiction to cigarettes is the last thing i want in my life. its nasty, gross, and obviously horrible for my health.

as my head clears from the fog, i am starting to realize how much i have ****ed up. i have literally ruined my relationship with my parents, and it makes me feel horribly bad. i cry myself to sleep frequently, thinking about the relationship. when i think about how it used to be compared to how it is now it kills me. we never have conversations. i say maybe 5 things to them all day. i want to badly to fix things. hopefully with the arrival of easter i will be able to change things, or maybe thats just too soon.

i am starting to lose track of my day counts. i figure it is non-essential to my recovery at this point. there is no difference between the 33rd day and the 36th. i am going to count week marks now instead. this sunday = my 35th day. next sunday = my 42nd (i believe). i just realized at this point individual days really do not matter, as long as at the end of the day i am sober.

thats all for now
again, thank you guys so much

cuando los angeles lloran . . . lloverá

[buscando]

Y cuando lloramos, los angeles nos ayudan. They care, at any rate!

[pipster22]

Things are going amazing.

The only problem i am experiencing is that i have this thing where i "test" my parental controls. i have blocked yahoo, msn, and askjeeves. i have, however, kept google open(but with the parental controls the google filters are forced on strict safe search). i tell myself i have to test my parental control boundaries, seeing how far i can get. i have found ways completely past the parental controls, however i have so far been able to stay completely clear of those.

i am not taking my sobriety for granit this time. i thank god for every clean day. i have realized that my sobriety is something that i can lose at any moment. i can lose it two minutes after i am done typing this, or i can lose it in 3 weeks from now. it is up to me to decide whether i want to go back to hell or forge through this addiction, once and for all.

last night i was testing my google filters. well, i ran into a pretty raunchy video site. at first i got super excited, but then this video started playing; it was hardcore stuff. the instant the video started playing i felt sick to my stomache. it was nothing 'disturbing', just a typical P video, something i have seen countless times. but this time was different, it made me sick. i thought it was vulgar, nasty, and degrading to the people in the video as well as myself.

i feel my brain and mind changing daily. my perception of people is changing drastically. i no longer look at people as meat. i have learned there is a substantial difference between '****ing' and 'making love'.

its nice to feel all these changes, but i still have to keep myself in check.

i am still a porn addict, i probably always will be.

just 'one' relapse will never be just that. if i relapse again, i dont know if it will take 3 days to get back on track, or if it will be 3 years.

i am not willing to find out.

i am losing track of my day counts. i keep track on my calander visually.
a red x = relapse
a green x = sober
its nice to not have to think about the day count constantly.

i will keep forging my way through this addiction

-pippsterrr

[buscando]

Filters didn't work for me. Being conscious of them made me want to test them. Besides they are an external control, not an internal 'control' or internal established appreciation of what is true/good vs what is false/bad.

I use leechblock, which is extremely easy to disable, simply because it reminds me of my act of will that I will have nothing to do with pornography. Leechblock is absolutely powerless to actually prevent anything. Check into it. The design of leechblock dovetails neatly with our need to develop our will correctly. For Firefox.

[pipster22]

i know exactly what you're talking about buscando.
i know parental controls are not the ultimate solution, because i am no truley dealing with the underlying problems. i know in the future i will have to ween myself off the controls, IE removing the google block, then youtube, then removing completely. i pray that process, whenever i have to deal with it, will not interefere with my recovery.

i dont know why, but i feel like i always have to 'test' the controls. its annoying but i am getting over it. i will look into leechblock however i tried downloading the k9 program steve reccomended and i struggled with it so much, almost leading me to another relapse! noone's fault but mine, of course. i just struggle with technology and i dont know how comfterable i feel about putting myself in that situation again, at least not yet. i am definetly going to look into it though, thank you very much for your advice!