Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

Today is my day off, with no parents.

Right when i woke up this morning i almost relapsed. i had almost like a panic attack, for whatever reason, and really wanted to p/mb. thank god, as i was having this attack a friend called and asked if i wanted to go running.

so i went running instead. it was really nice and now i am here way too tired to do any of that stuff, and on top of that i dont even want to. i am going to try to get a good amount of my homework done today so i can have a lighter load for the rest of the weekend.

i have plans for tonight so i just have to get till then. i really want to mb, for no reason in perticular, but i am going to try really hard not to. i feel like i am super far away from my original plan of only mbing once a week, at most. yikes.

it feels great to be at day 19. i feel like my body is detoxicating itself or something. its a great day.. in the 40's, cloudly, my favorite weather. i am feeling great but still fairly stressed out with schoolwork, as well as figuring everything out about college. im gonna try to relax today and just think about where i am and how much it means to me. i dont want my head to get all fogged up like it always does and start thinking about porn agian.

i am going to beat this

[23mole]

Don't worry, you can do this.
Just relax, sit down and do your work. Of course it is easier to say that then do it, but just focus on your work. Put on some music and and just start from the the top of your work list. I'm rooting for you.

23mole

[Bird-boy]

I'm also starting to do my homework differently (better) now. :) I kinda feel lucky when I'm actually working on my homework well, because there are all those times I don't have a good enough mood to do it :(. But I'm in the homeworking mood right now, and I am glad.

Good luck to both of us.

[pipster22]

Wahoo, Day 21.

Today was okay. I saw "The Reader".. bad choice. Most depressing movie i have ever seen in my life. and on top of that 50% of the movie is about sex. I think i will be over it in about an hour, hopefully.

Last night i had the weirdest dream.
i was on my school's website and as i look over to the sidebar, it has different P categories to choose from. thinking it's "legit" because its from my school, i click. i start watching a video and before i know it i feel the worst feelings i have ever felt in my life. it felt as if my whole family had just been run over by a truck. the thought that yet again, i had relapsed. interestingly enough though, after 10 seconds of looking at the video i X'ed out. i dont know what this dream is exactly trying to tell me, but it certainly has me less interested than ever in P. i never want to feel that feeling again. i think it is telling me i have the strength to beat this.

as for the no smoking thing, apparently i lied. of course with my life the friends who i introduced smoking to have really caught on, right when i decide to quit. they are all addicted. every weekend at parties they make special trips outside to smoke. we go uptown, we smoke. downtown, we smoke. it really is bothering me, but of course because i started the trend i feel like if i say "no" to the cigs i will be looked at very oddly. plus... i really enjoy them. i think i am addicted as well. not addicted in the sense where i need one every hour or i tweak, but in the way that on the weekends when i am with my friends its what i want to do. socially smoking.

i guess the question is - will it continue to keep my mind off porn?
well, whether it does or not - i think i am stuck. however i have so much shit going on it really isnt on my top priority list. if i smoke a few every weekend, who cares.

i have been thinking about relapsing alot.

i have only ever been to week 4 twice in my whole addiction.

and here i am yet again. this is where i make the big choices. the parental controls still continue to help me, but it scares the hell out of me knowing that one bad decision of going into the Admin account can ruin it all.

[ Day 1 ]

In 9 more days i will be at day 30. i have only ever been there once, and even then i convined myself that i must be sober enough to be able to let porn back into my life. i made this ridiculous plan of looking at p/mb only once every two weeks.. it worked so well. i p/mb'd that day.. and again the next.. and the next.

i know now that this is not a temporary thing. its a life long change.

noone needs it.

i am really not looking forward to tonight, i have loads of homework. i am going to try to spread it out and at the end of the night watch a movie with my parents to keep me away from mindlessly surfing the web.

its such a bummer because last Sunday was so good. but i guess this is the recovery process, right?

Next sunday = day 28... it amazes me still. i am so excited.. and so scared.

-PIPPY

[pipster22]

I cried myself to sleep last night.

This is the exact time a year ago when my life was de-railed. I lost everything. This is going to be a horribly hard month to get through, but hopefully when I do get through it it will all get better.

Crying helped me a lot more than i thought it would. i am going to try to do it more often. it feels so nice to just let it all out.

I think this is the time where i am either going to sink or swim. I am either going to step up and deal with this horrible emotions.. or cover it up with P again and therefore be forced to accept the possibility that the next year, and the year after that, and even the year after that will continue to be consumed by porn. I say it ends now.

[Bird-boy]

I cried..
Crying helped me a lot more than i thought it would. i am going to try to do it more often. it feels so nice to just let it all out.

I have cried too. Not last night or in the last week, but I done it too. Even though I "relapsed" last night, I have hope. Don't be brought down when I bring myself down. Let's keep going on. :)
* * *

p.s. in response to the post about your friends still smoking, I think the best thing you can do is be an example to them. It might sound a little cliche or unrelistic or naïve, but I think it is most definately true, and possible. ( :) !)

---
p.p.s. Congratulations on your 20+ Days!

[Bird-boy]

How are you doing, Pipster?

[rugbysteve]

Hi Pipster,

I hope you are doing well. Sounds like it has been rough for you and I'm sorry I haven't been around to post.

Keep your head above water :)
-steve

[pipster22]

Thanks guys, bird i am so happy you are keeping your head up high.
Sorry i have not been able to post for a bit.

Things are going well. last week was extremely rocky, but it is all okay. it was a depressing week, it made me realize why this is the point in my recovery where i normally relapse. i felt so hopeless. my mind would say, "look, you're still depressed, its not the porn." i felt that i would never get rid of the depression but everyday it does get better.

i have become so bipolar, which is fairly typical for this point. one hour i will be on top of the world and then the next hour ill be in a huge depression. i try not to even think about it, i just look forward to the future where the bipolar feelings come less and less often. i know things will get better, they have to.

i have only ever been to this place in the recovery process one other time. i got to day 30 once and i convinced myself i could relapse. IE: i wasn't truley addicted, or how could i have gotten to 30 day clean? i thought i had broken the addiction. i was wrong. relapse is not an option. i cannot "fit" porn into my life. i can't do it weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. it just won't work. i truley believe if you can look at porn once a month you will be fine. the hard part, however, is keeping it once a month. and even if you can, is it worth all the pain you have to go through to get to that one point where you can do it? i guess if you have to go through any pain at all thats when it would be hard to only do it once.

anways, i have finally realized thats not an option. PAs cannot simply fit porn into their lives. alcoholics cannot simply fit alcohol into their lives, just like drug addicts cant just take drugs once a month and be happy.

i have been trying to keep the stress minimized, which is really easier said than done. about a week ago i began to get addicted to mb. i would mb when i was doing my homework for about 3 days in a row. i sensed a problem arising and i stopped. i have now gone 7 days without mb. i used to say i would allow myself to mb every week, but now i am not sure. its not worth it to have to "break" myself of the addiction every mon/tue if i mb on sunday (if that makes sense). i have never been one to be 'against' mb, but its just proving not to be worth it. i will wait maybe two weeks, until my body truley needs it.

In two days comes my 30th day. i am so happy. but at the same time, i have a different mindset this time. 30 days isnt the end of my recovery, its not even the beggining. 30 days out of the rest of my life seems so small. this is truley the last recovery i will be going through. my heart and brain have both finally accepted that porn is a horrible horrible thing that will only continue to bring me down.

well, that is all for now. i hope to post again soon.

-pippy

[buscando]

Maybe it's only thirty days... But, we only live one day at a time! So, that's the mountain to climb. At all times we have one day to think about, so there is no reason to let the subsequent days weigh heavily upon us. Of course, for planning good things, we have our whole future to consider.